A Letter to my Body

This entry is inspired by and dedicated to the current National Eating Disorder Awareness Week.  

Dear friend,

Oh how I don’t even deserve to call you that.

I have betrayed you. I have betrayed you in the worst possible way, and I am ashamed.

I can’t even imagine what you must think of me, but I wouldn't blame you for any of it. I have treated you terribly despite your constant loyalty to me. I know that I have a lot of ground to cover if I am ever to make this right again, and I understand that I can’t undo any of the horrible things that I did to you.

For that, I am so so sorry.

I've never treated you as a friend. I have never treated you as though you were worthy of love, attention, care, or admiration. Rather, I have believed and acted upon the lie that you are worthless and you are wrong; that you are a source of shame.

I have spoken to you so harshly; thrown at you demeaning daggers of lies. I've looked right at you and told you how disappointed and disgusted I was with you. There were times I couldn't even bring myself to look at you.

I was so shallow and hurtful. 

I let other people talk so cruelly about you. I let them tease you and call you terrible names. I sat silently by as they slandered you and told me how worthless and ugly you were. I never defended you, and instead I accepted all of the criticism as true.

I was so embarrassed by you. I hated the way you looked and I hid you away from the world hoping no one would notice your flaws.

I wrongly blamed you for much of my pain, believing that you were the source of my problems. I convinced myself that it was your fault I had been so hurt, and I never hesitated to tell you so.

I was so heartless and misguided.

I have always been unfaithful to you. Regardless of how much you ever did for me, I was never happy enough with you. I've always wanted something else, something more, something different. You've never been good enough for me, though you've always been far more than I deserved.

I even tried to make you something different, instead of taking joy in what you already were. I tried to destroy your uniqueness instead of celebrate it. I tried to change you, and I yelled at you in anger because you weren't different, continually asking you why you couldn't be more like “that.”

I have deprived you of so much, and I have selfishly acted in ways that have jeopardized your health and strength. I have taken away your most basic needs and used them as a reward if you performed well. (Oftentimes I wouldn't even give them to you if you had). I punished you for desiring what feeds you your next breath, and I tried to train you to no longer crave those things, hurling insults at you when you did.

I have unrealistically expected so much from you, even in times of sickness, malnourishment, or injury. In moments wherein I should have been taking care of you, I didn't love you enough to allow you rest. Instead I called you weak and worthless for hurting, and I wanted nothing to do with you.

I hated you. I hurt you. I belittled you.

It hurts my heart just to think of how lowly I treated you, and I am ashamed of my actions. I would never allow someone I love to be treated in such a way, and yet I saw no fault in doing it to you.

I have been horribly wretched to you.

My dear friend, you were never wrong; I was.

I can never make up for the years of hurt and damage between us, but I can assure you our future together will be different.

I want to celebrate you. I want to praise you for the number of amazing things you do daily. I don’t thank you enough for your loyalty, nor do I commend you enough for your strength. You are an amazing creation, and I am astounded by your brilliance.

I want to tell you that you are beautiful, so beautiful, and that I am in awe of you. You are perfect as is, and I want to take delight in every imperfection. I am forever sorry that I tried to take away from you your uniqueness, not recognizing that it is what makes you who you are.  

I want to love you, and I want to love you well. I want to treat you as the special, radiant being that you are. I want to take care of you and respect what you need. 

You are wonderful. You are magnificent. You are stunning.

I am going to prove to you that things will be different now, though before I was blind to my faults and your beauty. I will strive to renew our relationship as it should have been from the beginning, and I will not allow anything to come between us.

I love you, I do.

Thank you for always being my faithful friend. Now, I vow to be yours.

Love, Mary. 

Oh God, How I Need You

I've been coming to realize lately how often and how desperately I need God.

I used to think I just needed him for the big, life-changing stuff. You know, the, "God please help me arrive home safely, pass this exam, get this job," stuff. The addictions. The disorders. The BIG stuff. Recently, I’ve learned that I desperately need him in even the small, daily stuff (which actually turns out to be the big stuff).

A few weeks ago I heard a pastor say in reference to grace, “You can’t accept something if you don’t know you need it. This is why God reveals our sin.” In the same way, one won’t depend on God if they don’t think they need to, and this is why he reveals our weaknesses.

When God reveals our weaknesses, he illustrates to us our deep need for him.  

Back in February, I went on a week-long trip with my church. The purpose of the trip was to grow in Christ, but throughout the trip I was miserable. I felt nothing other than broken. Each day, more of my imperfections and scars were revealed in my life and I felt far beyond repairable. It was too much too quickly, and I didn’t know how to handle each new aspect of damage I was finding in my life.  

What I hadn’t yet realized was that God was opening my eyes for my benefit. He wasn’t pointing it out to hurt, shame, or overwhelm me. God wanted to heal me, to begin repairing my heart, and he could only do so once I opened my heart to him. If I didn’t think I had a need to be healed, I wouldn’t turn to God for healing.

Though unintentional, I was quite overwhelmed by it all, but I learned through it the freedom that comes in fully depending on God in everything. 

I’m learning now that I need God in every aspect of my life, and I need him desperately. I feel that each day I reach a new mountain, whether it be new obstacles of pain, confusion, anger, hurt, etc., and I find myself each time saying, "I have no idea how I could do this without God." 

Jesus says, “Apart from me you can do nothing,” which is absolutely true, but I feel as there is so much more. It’s not just doing that we need God for. While there is nothing that I can do apart from God, there is also nothing I can be. No redemption I can bring. No healing I can find. No comfort I can give. No wisdom I can speak. No words I can write. No love I can display. No strength I can assert.

I need God for everything.

I need him every minute of every day in every situation, and I continually see that holding true in each aspect of my life, that I couldn't do it without God. I see it in my relationship. I see it in my goals. I see it in my friends and family. I see it in my words, my heart, my thoughts, my dreams.

I need God daily for strength. I need him daily for my identity. I need him daily for healing, comfort, peace, encouragement, love, wisdom, hope, purpose, direction, and grace. I need him for breath and for life.

I need God in every moment because I am broken, because I have a damaged heart. I am an imperfect being who lacks fullness on my own. But in God I am made complete, I am given renewed strength, and through him my world comes beautifully to life. 

Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. John 15:4-5

For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and in Christ you have been brought to fullness. Colossians 2:9-10. 

My Anniversary

Anniversaries are pretty neat, in my opinion. It’s a day to celebrate a past event; an event that was wonderfully life-changing. Sometimes anniversaries are for a romantic relationship. Sometimes an anniversary is for the date you last indulged into a guilty pleasure. Sometimes an anniversary is to celebrate a new life.

My most recent anniversary is a sort of mixture of all these.

This week is my anniversary to remember when I actually starting walking and living my life with my God, and it is my week to celebrate the beautiful walk it has been.

Although my actual birthday (November 27, 2004 was when I invited Jesus into my heart) was years ago, I didn’t actually learn how to “walk” until this past year. What I mean by that is this: though I had accepted Jesus as my Savior, I didn’t know him. Not really. I didn’t know exactly what being a Christian meant. I wasn’t able to walk just yet, but eventually I did start crawling.

Last year, I crawled through the basics of who God is and how he loves me, and it was enough to bring me to my feet and help me walk.

By September, I was jumping. Looking back, each was a blind and irrational leap of faith, but I took them, and that’s part of what makes this anniversary so amazing. It’s incredible how quickly my newfound faith and relationship caused me to change my life so drastically (well, caused me to allow God to change my life, actually). 

Before I knew it, my heart was being transformed, my community was being built, and my world was being turned upside down. It was all great things, which made it exciting, but so much change was still quite scary. I can confidently say that this past year produced the most amount of change in my life in such a short time. 

And this was a spiritual change. A heart change. THAT kind of life change. 

It was totally awesome, and totally epic. 

God changed my life a lot, in ways that I will be forever grateful for, but he also taught me a lot. This past year was full of transformation, but it was also full of learning. God has taught me a lot of things, though some I am still trying to fully grasp.

God has taught me about the beauty of vulnerability and community; that being alone and declaring strict independence is not going to protect my heart from future hurt. That little can compare to the freedom felt when you can openly share your heart with someone.

God has taught me about love and trust; that they are real and they are meant to be shared. That love is worth the bumps and bruises it may deliver, and it will always triumph and prevail.

God has taught me about my heart and who I am (though this is one that I still struggle to understand and know). That in him I am complete and holy, and I am designed exactly as he desired I be.

Above all, my favorite lesson so far has been about God himself. God taught me about who he is.

God taught me of his character and his love, of his power and strength, of his hope and comfort. He taught me about who he is, who he actually is.

God taught me that his character can be shown through the beautiful people in my life, but that it is so much more than what people in my life can portray.

I’ve learned that any human greatness is only a taste of how great God is, that God is so much more than what we are at our very best.

“For the foolishness of God is wiser than man’s wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man’s strength.” 1 Cor 1:25.

God then taught me that if our greatness can’t compare to him, then surely our evil is even further from his character. 

God taught me that not all flaws in humanity are a reflection of who he is. That hurt I have experienced had wrongfully shaped what I thought of him. That he is so much greater than worldly imperfections.

God helped me to see his face and know his heart through the truth of his words. He helped me to disassociate from him the brokenness and evil I saw in man.

God helped me to see him as one I could have a relationship with, rather than just a distant and emotionally detached being. That he isn't just an authority, but that he is a friend, a partner, a companion.

God helped me to see him.

(I also learned that he loves running too, and he never turns me down when I ask him to come with me). 

My life and my heart have changed tremendously this year, and it's been awesome. I've grown into a beautiful community of believers, and I've found love, hope, and purpose. But the best part of this year? I now know my Savior. I know deeper the heart of my protector, my leader, my teacher, my comforter, my provider, my father, my creator, my deliverer, my stronghold, my truth and my light. 

And in all these, I have found my best friend. And now, I can’t imagine living my life without him; I don’t know how I ever did.

So this week is my week to celebrate; to celebrate a new life in Jesus, and a new companion in God. It is a week to celebrate the strength in letting go of an old life, but the beauty of creating a new one. It is a week to celebrate an incredible walk with an amazing friend; a glorious journey that has just only begun. 

My Body's Beauty

“I don’t like the way I look,” says 97 percent of the female population.

I know this feeling all too well, and I know I’m not alone. I have struggled with body image issues for years, and in those years I have realized that most other women do, too. I have spent the last two years ensnared and trapped by these struggles, and the last six months trying to fight them off.

Let me tell you, it is no easy task trying to fight against something that is so deeply ingrained, something so seemingly normal, something so constantly occurring in your heart.

It had become abnormal for me to look into the mirror and not be disappointed or disgusted by what I saw. This was wrong, but this was my heart.

I think of the scene in ‘Mean Girls’ as they stand in front of the mirror criticizing different parts of their bodies. Cady thinks, “I used to think there was just skinny and fat. I had no idea so many different things could be wrong with your body.” It’s a movie, yes, but it is so close to reality.

You could pinpoint any spot on a woman’s body, and chances are she could tell you a number of ways in which its imperfections keep her from being beautiful. 

My nose just isn’t right; it’s too big on my face. My hips are too wide. My legs aren’t curvy enough. My shoulders are too broad. My eyebrows are so flawed. My eyes are too far apart. My stomach is too flabby. My butt is too flat. My feet are ugly. My ears are humongous. My (fingernails, toes, lips, eyelashes, hair, teeth, dimples, chest, fill in the blank) is wrong; it’s all just ugly and wrong.

I was at this point when God invited me on a trip; the trip to discover truth about the beauty that my body possesses. This journey consisted of three main stops: learning the truth, believing the truth, and allowing this truth to be enough.

For me, learning and believing seemed impossible. I was convinced that they had to be done together, while also thinking that the learning had to precede the believing. Have you ever tried to learn about something that you absolutely don’t believe? It’s hard! If you’re skeptical the whole time, how much will you really intake and digest what you are trying to learn? This was me, and I felt no hope that I would ever be able to learn or believe.

Part of the problem is that I was spending too much time telling myself what I wasn’t, instead of telling myself what I was.

The other day as I was looking at myself (and by looking I mean criticizing) in the mirror, God stopped me where I was. He grabbed my attention and said,

“When you use your eyes to see instead of critique, the world becomes a more beautiful place. Your body becomes the beautiful masterpiece it was created to be; a piece of my artwork to be admired, not criticized. Use your eyes to see.”

I was spending my time focused on the society-based imperfections of my body instead of the beautiful creation that it was.

I saw in my stomach weight that I wanted to lose, instead of the miraculous power it had of creating a beautiful baby someday.

I saw in my shoulders a lack of slenderness, instead of the strength they had in helping to carry other’s burdens.

I saw in my legs constant disappointment, instead of the healthy and trustworthy partners I had that allowed me to enjoy running as I do.

I couldn't look beyond my self-diagnosed imperfections to see that my body is amazing.

It was incredible for me to look in the mirror and see something beautiful instead of something I wanted to change. Unfortunately, this was quickly suffocated away by critical thoughts of my body. Though I was learning and beginning to believe this truth, I needed it to be enough. I was in a place where I was saying, “Yeah that truth is nice, but I still want this image of beauty.” I had moments where God’s words would satisfy me, but most other times it never fully did. I didn’t understand, and I didn’t know how to change.

Was I supposed to just forget everything I ever desired my body to be? Was I supposed to ignore the way I looked and pretend that my body image never mattered? How was I ever supposed to quiet the voice that told me I still wasn’t just right?

Looking back on the moments wherein God’s truth truly did satisfy my heart, I found my answer.

When the truth of God’s words isn’t enough, it’s because I am placing more importance and authority on someone or something else. When God is legitimately the most important thing in my life, my physical appearance doesn’t matter. When God is first, I can see.

When I find myself so in love with God that He is my heart’s deepest desire, I find myself loving my body, his beautiful creation, too.

We are still on the trip together to fully heal my heart, but I am learning, and I know I am moving forward. I am on a journey traveling forward with God; one that allows my weak heart to make pit stops. Sometimes I have to stop at station one, wherein I have forgotten the truth I have learned and need to hear it again. Other days, I have to stop at station three because I have allowed God to fall from the first love in my life, and I must refocus my eyes and heart on Him. None of the stops are a sign that I have begun moving backward, but they are necessary stops to make along the way so that I may reach my end destination.

I may never fully reach it, but I have hope knowing that I am continually moving forward (and that God doesn’t mind driving every once in awhile when I am exhausted).

For years as I struggled with my body, my primary focus and desire was to make myself more beautiful. Strangely enough, God is doing just that for me. He is making me into a more beautiful person each day, but not by changing my appearance as I would have done. He is merely opening my eyes to the beauty that has always been there, the beauty that He created. 

Our Desire to Fix

Naturally in life we want to fix. A lot of men will say that this is a “man thing,” and a lot of women will say it is a “woman thing.” Personally, I think it’s just a human thing. We want to fix things. People, objects, situations, it doesn’t matter. Whatever kind of brokenness it may be, we purposefully strive to mend it.

As far as broken people are concerned, I don’t mean fixing each other in a way that says, “You suck, let me fix you.” I mean it in a way that says, “You’re hurt, let me fix it.” So maybe ‘help’ is a more accurate verb to use, but I think you get the idea. We naturally like to patch and restore the pains of others. I think that this is especially true when referring to ourselves and our own brokenness, but also with those that are close to our hearts.

I could easily recite a number of times when I attempted to mend my own broken heart. I used to think (and occasionally still do) that I knew how best to go about bettering a situation. I was convinced that I was smart enough, strong enough, and capable enough to fix the wrongs in my life and my heart on my own. However, I began learning that some hurts are beyond my realm of possibility. There are wrongs I can’t right, acts I can’t forgive, and lies I can’t see through. There are so many things in my life that I can’t fix.

Only God can fix these, and once you realize that God is the only one who can fully fix them, you will know exactly where to take your pain.

Let me tell you, it is an amazing feeling when you can begin to confidently bring the broken pieces of yourself to God and trust that He will help put you back together. Not only do you not have to carry them alone, but you are seeking help from the King who has overcome all; the One who so strongly desires the opportunity to pick up those pieces. Nowhere else will you find the kind of healing and rest that you will find with God. Not only does He have the power to radically transform and restore your heart, but He willingly and longingly wants to do so. 

This is so awesome! I think this is an incredible picture of God’s strength and love for us. Astonishingly enough, I am already able to look back at my life and see areas that God alone has healed. The restoration that He can bring into our lives is beyond amazing. I am continually in awe of God’s power to loosen my grip and make new my heart when I am fully convinced that, “I can’t let it go; I can’t forget.” God’s strength of healing in our lives is utterly marvelous. While this kind of repair is amazing as it happens in my life, I think that this power is at its most beautiful as it happens in other’s lives. Let me explain:

Recently I had a close friend share with me a deeply personal story about hurt they had experienced in the past. As they shared with me, my heart broke for them and I was literally left speechless. It took some time for my heart and mind to stop racing, but once they did, my first gut reaction was, “I want to fix this.” It was a very irrational thought, but it was natural. I saw wrong and I wanted to make it right.

Even later as I prayed about it, I had no words. (I’m not sure if prayers are ever awkward for God, but if that’s possible, then this was totally was). I didn’t know what I was feeling, what I was thinking, or what I wanted. All I knew was that I needed to go to God with it all. In the midst of the potentially awkward prayer between God and me, I remembered the obvious:

I myself couldn’t do anything. Nothing. I couldn’t change it, I couldn’t erase it, and I couldn’t fix it.

My second gut reaction (the first being my desire to fix it) was to become distressed. Naturally, I should be troubled by the fact that I can’t amend such a scarring in a life that I care for so deeply. Strangely, I was unbelievably calm. Somehow I was brought an incredible peace by realizing that I could do nothing, and remembering the One who could do everything.

In that moment, I was immensely grateful. I have never in my life been more thankful that I have a God who heals. In fact, those were the only words that I DID say. “God … you heal. Thank you God that you heal!”

It was in that instant that I truly saw the beauty of God’s love and power. I have felt the gratitude in my own life when my heart was mended and cared for by my King, but it was an entirely different level of admiration in that moment. I don’t even know that I can do justice in explaining it, because saying that I was in awe is an understatement; saying that I was grateful is an understatement. No words can accurately describe what I was feeling, but I felt whatever I did because of the truth that God does heal. I saw the brokenness in a life that I loved, and I was overwhelmed by the peace and assurance that came with knowing that God has been, continues to, and will be working to bring healing into that life.

It’s an amazing feeling when you can begin to confidently bring the broken pieces of yourself to God and trust that He will help you put them back together, but it is even more amazing when you can trust God with the healing of another; of someone close to your heart. And the truth is, you can trust Him with it, because He does heal.  

“But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.” Isaiah 53:5.

“Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He sent out his word and healed them.” Psalm 107:19-20.

“Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.” Isaiah 46:4.

It was comforting to be reminded that my God does heal. I was reminded that no matter how much I love my friend, God loves them more. No matter how much I desire to fix, heal, and help them, God desires it more. God wants us to be whole and healed, and He has the most power and strength to accomplish both.

God gives me hope. He gives it, not only in my own life, but in the lives of those I love. Although I know that I am not capable of healing everyone from all of the hurt they have experienced or will experience in this world, I have a strong hope that God can. I don’t have the ability or the knowledge necessary to take away the pain, but God does. Ultimately, I can do very little more than just be there for a friend, but I can rest easy knowing that God’s power of healing can do more for their heart than anything I ever could.

The truth that God heals in my life is awesome. The truth that God heals in all lives, especially in the ones that I love most, is amazing, hopeful, comforting, peaceful, incredible, and beautiful. I can find no better comfort than knowing that those I love are made whole once again in God’s loving arms.

Once Doesn't Cut It

I think I have a bit of an "independence" problem. Part of the problem is that I don't actually see my independence as a problem.

Here’s what I mean: I like the satisfaction of accomplishing something on my own. I like being recognized as a strong individual. I’ve always had this notion that dependence and weakness were synonymous; that the strong don’t need guidance or assistance. Since dependence was weakness, independence was strength. This made it inconceivable for me and my pride to ever ask for help or to follow direction that was not my own.

Recently I had convinced myself that this was a past problem. It was something that I had overcome. I would remind myself of the times that I had stepped out in faith and followed God’s direction over my own. “There was this one time …” I’d say. I was under the impression that because I had followed His direction in the past that I had “recovered” and overcome my prideful mindset.

Nine months ago (actually, nine months ago to this very day) I took the biggest step of faith that I ever have. In fact, it was not only the biggest step, but it was the hardest. That experience deserves an entire blog in and of itself, but that may be for a later time and date. My point is, it was a HUGE decision.

Huge almost doesn’t do it justice. I made a decision that was going to change the rest of my life and cause my world to do a complete 180. It was a choice that led me down a path I could barely conceive; a path that contained things of which I had no clue. I had continually prayed, desperate to receive a different answer from God, the answer I wanted, but He continually pointed me down a different road. I was terrified, I was hurt, and I was angry, but I made the choice to trust God and I took the leap of faith. In retrospect, that was one of the best decisions I had ever made and in trusting God with my life in that choice, it brought me closer to Him than I could have imagined. I trusted, and He was faithful.

I have to admit, I was a little proud of myself for it. I was overjoyed that I so deeply trusted God and followed His direction. “I am so obedient!” I thought. I believed that I had overcome my pride and my unwillingness to take direction from someone other than myself. I had obviously overcome it in that moment, but here’s the thing: God is continually leading me. There is a constant tug when I begin to stray from the path on which He is guiding me. That single act of trust and dependence was great, yes, but there will be more to come. While that specific act of obedience will probably be one of the most painful and difficult, it won’t be the only time when obedience to God’s word and guidance is necessary. There will be a handful of times in the future when I will once again have to trust what God says over what I say, and there have been a number of instances since then.

I do believe that God was deeply delighted with me and my willingness to follow Him in that moment, but I don’t believe that that moment defines my obedience as a whole. Just as a single act of disobedience doesn’t make me a disobedient child, neither does a single act of obedience make me an obedient one. Obedience is continual, just as is God’s direction.

I’ve been holding on to that moment and telling myself that I am excelling in obeying what God says. “Look, I am obedient because I did that. See? That’s obedience.” Sure, that was obedience, there is no denying that, but that doesn’t make me an obedient person as a whole. I don’t want to discredit or cheapen the difficulty of the situation, but I can’t hold on to it forever. That one decision doesn’t make a life of obedience. 

It’s a start, but it’s not an end. I can’t forever say that I am obedient because of a single decision to obey. Opportunities arise on a daily basis wherein I must choose my own direction or God’s, opportunities to choose whether or not to heed and accede. (I didn’t mean for that to rhyme, but since it did I left it that way).  

This all came up about a week ago when I became a bit argumentative with God when He wasn’t answering me in my prayer like I wanted Him to. (Pointer: Arguing with God usually doesn't result in a victory on your end). 

“God, you know what? Forget it. I don’t like that answer and I’m tired of praying about it if you’re just going to keep telling me the same thing. That’s not what I want to hear.”   

“Do you remember the last time you said that?”

“Touche. Ok God, I remember, but that was different. Besides, I’m already obedient because I listened to you then. I don’t need to do this now, too.”

“Yes, you did, and I am so proud of you for that moment. You were so strong and you allowed your love for me to overpower all and help you let go of other worldly things. But now I am asking you to put your trust in me again. I know that it is frightening, but I have proven to you that I am faithful. Your past obedience is not forgotten, nor will it ever be irrelevant or unimportant, but this circumstance calls for your trust and submission to my will once again. Obedience isn’t a one-time decision; it is a way of life.”

God doesn’t desire that I be willing to trust His provision just once or twice in my life. He is proud and rejoices of those times, but He wants me to live a lifestyle of obedience. He wants me to continually trust that He knows what is best for me and that He will never lead me astray. Continually trust, not trust once. A lifestyle of obedience is made up of repeated acts of submission and trust, not one.

(Think of it this way: If you were married, you wouldn’t want your spouse to pronounce their love to you just once. You would want them to perpetually show you how much they love and care for you. Acts of love in the past are great memories to hold on to, but feelings can change, making it comforting to be reminded continually that the love still exists).

When God instructs us to obey His commands (John 14:15, 21, 23), it infers that it will be continuous. “Commands” is plural, just as our acts of submission in an obedient lifestyle ought to be.

My submission 9 months ago was a great step of faith, but it is in the past. More opportunities to show my faith and obedience will continue to arise, requiring me to trust in Him once more. I know that there will be times when my pride will tell me that submission is weak and that I myself know the right steps to take, but in those moments I have the opportunity to once again show God that I trust in Him, and I believe that His plans for me are better than anything I could conjure.

Obedience is a lifestyle, a continual conscious action. Though it is made up of individual decisions and steps of faith, it can’t be defined by a single moment. Obedience is continual, just as is God’s direction.

“I have considered my ways and have turned my steps to your statutes. I will hasten and not delay to obey your commands.” Psalm 119:59-60.

An Unplanned Plan

I am a big, big, BIG planner. I like to plan things, and I have just about everything planned. I think that both my incessant need to be organized and my OCD tendencies play a role in this. I plan more than I ought/need to, but I can’t help myself. I plan my weeks, my days, my mornings, my runs, my meals, and this, and that, and those. It’s ridiculous, really, but I do it.

Last summer I began getting to know God a bit better. I started taking small steps to try and live my life in line with what he wanted for me. I quickly began to realize that planning my every moment wasn’t exactly how God wanted me to live. I was learning that God plans, not me, and the only plan I need to have is this: to follow his guidance, ultimately following HIS plan.

You see, I used to have my future completely mapped out. I knew exactly when I was going to finish school, exactly what I was going to do afterward, and exactly where I was going to live; I knew every step I was going to take and I allowed no room for any adjustments. My plans seemed perfectly set, and I was happy with the map I had laid out for myself, but God had a different plan. He had a different idea of where he wanted me.

As I began taking steps with God last summer, I also began to let go of some of my plans. God took my hand and guided me on a path that I had never even seen. My life a year ago is almost unrecognizable to me now.  God changed my heart and my life, but he also changed the outline of my life I had written.

God scrapped nearly all of my previously thought-out, mapped out, meticulously planned out future, and the only piece of guidance he has given me so far is this: follow me.

Honestly, there have been times that I have absolutely no idea what to do with that. I mean, I’d like a little insight into where I’m headed.

“Sure God, I’ll follow you, but could you tell me where I’m going?”

Imagine yourself driving a car. You’ve got a passenger in the front seat that is taking you to a certain destination, but they have yet to tell you where. They are completely reliable, but they refuse to tell you where you are headed, and sometimes following their directions is tricky. You’re afraid you might not hear them as they whisper, or you might not see them when they gesture where to turn. If they would only tell you where you are going then you could ensure that you will arrive there, but they won’t say.  

This has been my situation for almost a year, and it’s scary! God scrapped my plans for my life, and he has yet to disclose his plans. I feel as if I am blindly walking, idling, coasting my way through life without a destination. I don’t know if I am even on a path. If I am, I don’t know that it’s the right one, nor where it will lead. It’s frightening and it’s stressful. It’s discouraging when people ask me what I am going to do after school and I say, “I don’t know. God hasn’t told me yet.” I am a planner without a plan.

But God has indeed brought me comfort in a number of ways, and he has given me renewed confidence in my blind walk.

First, I have been assured that my steps are guided and my future is planned by God, my ever-loving Father, and I can entrust my life into his hands.

“I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you.” Psalm 32:8

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

I have the high and mighty king planning my future and guiding my steps. How can I possibly be uncertain or afraid of where I am going if God has promised to take me and guide me there?

Second, I have been reminded that my purpose is to glorify my God. Sometimes it’s easy to feel as if I have no purpose because I have no direction or destination, but I’ve learned that is never true. Regardless of the career, house, or relationship where I find myself in the future, my purpose is to glorify the king.

So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. 1 Corinthians 10:31.

I don’t need to know where I am walking to know that I am walking in such a way that gives glory to God. I can praise and worship him in my steps, even if I don’t know exactly where my steps will lead me.

Third, I realized that God doesn’t want me to go crazy trying to plan my future. He wants me to live in the present; to live one day at a time. He instructs me to live in each day, taking on only the worries, troubles, and challenges of that day alone.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34

Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. James 4:13-14

As a planner, I struggle without a map, but I’ve learned that I don’t need to have every last detail of my future planned out. No, I don’t know have any idea what God wants me to do. I know my passions and my gifts, but I am clueless as to what He wants me to do with them. No, I don’t have any idea about my future career. I know the category of my education, but I don’t know which specific job that will bring me. No, I don’t have any idea where my footsteps are taking me, but I don’t need to know. Instead, I can walk each day at a time.

I know that each day I should, I can, and I will strive to glorify God. Each day I can walk in His grace and His love. Each day I can take steps to grow spiritually. Each day I can do the things I love, and love others along the way. I don’t know exactly where God is taking me, but I find great comfort in knowing that he is the one taking me there. With God as my guide, I don’t need to fear my unplanned future.

Some days I still become frustrated that I don’t know my destination, but I can also try to understand why I might not know. If the passenger in the car told me where we were to arrive, I would probably redirect and take my own route to get there. While my guide knows the upcoming traffic, the safest paths, and the smoothest rides, I would think that I knew better. I could easily make a wrong turn, hit traffic, or choose the bumpiest road. And maybe that’s not the reasoning behind the hidden destination, but it is teaching me regardless to trust in God and His guidance.

I’ve come to accept that I don’t need to know the specifics of my destination. I don’t need to know the details. What I do know is enough. I know that I have a purpose. I know that I have a destination and direction. I know that God has a plan. God sees where I am going and where he wants me to be. God knows the routes and the directions and God guides my steps. God is my GPS, my guide, and my planner.

I still plan days, mornings, runs, and things that probably don’t need planning, but I am done meticulously planning my future. I am still tempted to fear it or to pull out a notebook and start writing myself a map, but I don’t need to, and it would only take time away from the life I could be living today. Instead, my plan is to not plan. My only plan should be to follow and trust him each day, living one day at a time.

Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:21