My (Unfinished) Love Story

Once upon a time there was this guy …

I met him in the fall during my junior year of college, and to this day I believe it was fated. It was a Sunday afternoon at a church picnic, and though our series of interactions that day were awkward and peculiar, our fellowship didn't end as the picnic did. We went for a cup of coffee and spent three hours talking, laughing, and enjoying the company of the other.

Even though I didn't fully know him yet, I remember thinking that this man was amazing. (Spoiler: He is amazing).

It didn’t take long for us to hit it off, and we became great friends. After a few months of pursuance and patience on his end, we officially became a couple. Our relationship held its own difficulties and issues as any relationship does, but it was ultimately wonderful. We seemed to have the perfect blend of similarities and differences that we were able to be compatible, yet interestingly unique.

We had fantastic conversations- spiritually, politically, romantically- and we both have a childlike spirit that gave us a host of laughs and fun memories.  He challenged me in ways, as I challenged him in others. He brought out the best in me, and I brought out the best in him. We were the kind of opposites that we thought were perfectly complementary, and more than anything else we may have been, we were always (and most importantly) best friends.

He and I were in a relationship that appeared to be hand-crafted by God.

As it tends to do, time changed things. I started to feel unsettled and uncertain about our relationship. I’m not sure when it all began, though by the end I couldn’t ignore it. It was one of those things you don’t feel much at first because it’s so small, but then it really hits you one day and you realize you’ve been feeling it for awhile. For a handful of reasons, I felt led by God to end the relationship- so I did.

It was heartbreaking.

I let go of this amazing, godly man I believed for two years I was going to marry, and it broke my heart. At the same time, I had a deep peace about it from the Lord, and I was confident it was the best decision for my heart. I needed this season for myself, and I needed it with God alone. I knew I had to let go of my idols and security blankets if I wanted the Lord to teach, transform, and deeply move me in the ways I needed at this time in my life, and my boyfriend had been one of them.

As much as I have felt peace about my decision months ago, I have also felt deep sorrow. There have been days during which my heart ached so strongly that all I could do was collapse to the floor and sob. I would cry out to God and plead for another way. “God, why does it have to be one or the other? Can’t I have this wonderful season with you and him? Show me what I can do.”

“Oh my daughter, how you don't yet understand.”

Even when I would cry, I knew deep down this was it; this was what I needed. Needless to say, however, I still couldn’t bring myself to fully let him go. I kept holding on to hope that maybe someday we would find ourselves back together. I had an idea of what would need to change- either by time or by the Lord- for a relationship between us to again be an option, and I believed it could happen.

I liked the idea that he and I would again be together, and so I began to imagine it. I daydreamed about how God could orchestrate it and what it might look like. I loved imagining how this season could be a bittersweet part of our love story. Then one morning it occurred to me: that’s not what this season of my life is about.

This next season may be a beautiful part of a love story, but it’s not ours. No, this is a chapter out of me and God’s love story.

That’s what I wanted this season to be originally, anyway. I wanted to pursue God’s heart (while uncovering lost pieces of my own) at discipleship school in California, and that’s exactly what I’ll be doing. I wanted to know God more, and he gave me a beautiful opportunity to seek him. I wanted to fall desperately in love with the Lord, and he has already begun sweeping me off of my feet.

The other day when my heart was aching, I allowed myself to wallow in memories and conversations of the past with my boyfriend. I missed him greatly and I sat reminiscing about how well he loved me, how deeply he cared for me, and how continually and beautifully he pursued me.

God tugged at my heart in that moment. “Do you still not understand? Don’t you know I am pursuing you? Don’t you see the ways I have loved you and how deeply I care for you?”

Oh …

“Yes Lord,” I said aloud. “I hear you.”

You see, God loves me, and God is pursuing me, and we are about to have an amazing season together, but I was missing it because I wasn't willing to fully let go! I couldn't continue idolizing and obsessing about this man and expect my heart to still be fully committed to God.

You can’t hold on to an idol with one hand and expect to reach out to God with both- you don’t have that many hands.

I’m still scared to let go fully because I still want that man in my life. I want to be with him and love him forever, and I’m afraid completely letting go will mean losing him forever instead. Just like I couldn’t ignore the pit in my stomach, though, I can’t ignore this call from the Lord. It’s a call that says my vision needs to change, as this season is not about that man. I must stop focusing my time and attention on the relationship I left, and I should no longer strategize ways we could possibly make it work.

It’s not a call that asks me to stop thinking about him, praying for him, or desiring him, but it is one that asks me to stop fixating on him.

I obviously don’t know yet how our love story ends; I don’t know whether it’ll be when I’m old and gray and we've spent our lives together or if it’ll be in two months when we no longer speak and I've realized we will never get back together. I don’t know what it would look like if we were to get back together, and I don’t know how it could be accomplished if I fully let go. I guess I don’t know anything about the future, really. Go figure.

What I do know is this: the best kind of love and life you can receive is from the Lord, and if He is inviting you into a season of intimacy with him to experience those things, you ought not to let anything stop you from running full speed into his arms.

Oh, and make sure to let go of your idols before you go. God won't let you bring them along.

"When I lay these questions before God I get no answer. But it's a rather special sort of 'No answer.' It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but in waiving the question. Like, 'Peace, child; you do not understand.'" -C.S. Lewis 

I Love God's Personalized Plans

Let me tell you about a funny conversation I had the other day when I went to the bank. Now, when I say it was “funny,” I mean that in a slightly sarcastic way. I walked in to see the teller, and the familiar woman behind the counter smiled and inquired how many more times she would be seeing me before I left for discipleship school in California. We talked for only a moment when she asked me, “So what do you want to be when you grow up?”

I laughed at both the irony of thinking I hadn't yet grown up, and how often an answer to this question is required of me. “I'm not quite sure,” I said jokingly. “If I ever find out, I’ll let you know.”

You know, this question used to bug me a lot. In fact, I've even written a blog post about it before. It irritated me mostly because I didn't have an answer to it, and I felt like God was withholding my “calling” or his plans from me. Friends within my Christian circles, to no fault of their own, were quick to pull out the perpetually quoted Jeremiah 29:11 verse and add insult to injury.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.”

“Don’t worry,” they’d say. “God has a plan for your life.”

I didn't see it, but that’s all water under the bridge now as I've moved past the fact that God clearly isn't going to offer me a detailed map of my future. His plans, whatever they may be, weren't made apparent when I was a kid. I couldn't spend my young adulthood planning for the future career I felt called to like everyone else. It was frustrating, but I wrote about it and got over it.

Now, however, I have a few more words for those who incessantly feel the need to bombard me with questions about my future.

No offense if you’re one of them.

You ready for this? Here it comes.

Don’t ask me what I want to be when I grow up as if I’m not already something. I’m already grown up, and I’m already what I want to be- myself.

I’m a person who loves my job as a waitress because I enjoy people. I’m one whose stomach turns at the thought of punching in at nine to sit in a cubicle all day and punch out at five.  I’m a person who loves to travel and the constant change and adventure it brings. I'm one who loves Jesus, and doesn't quite know yet how, with my passions, I can "work for Him."

Ultimately, I’m just me, and that’s what I want to be when I grow up.

I may not be able to fit all of that into a fancy career title, but a title wouldn't make me happy anyway. I don’t get paid the big bucks for being me, nor can I get a degree for specializing in being Mary Bocks that will guarantee me a good job, but that’s not really on the top of my priority list.

That would be pretty cool though, huh?

I think some of us can feel cheated because the future of others seems to come so easily. We look at those who knew exactly what career path they wanted to pursue before they could even spell it, and we feel swindled, ripped-off, gypped. Maybe you don’t, but I do- I did, anyway.  Why couldn't it come so easily to me, too? Why couldn't I have been happy being the architect or journalist or screenwriter I wanted to be in middle school?

You want to know why? Because that’s simply not me, and that’s ok.

The truth is, I haven’t been cheated out of a future. God didn't decide to plan everyone else’s future but mine so I could just wander for the rest of my life.  No, as I learn more about how God plans and what that actually means for my life, I realize that God has given me freedom by planning around my personality.

What do I mean? I mean that I’m fickle. I am an erratic human being who thrives on change. So what did God do with that? He gave me options.

Maybe God didn't plan for my future to be constrained by a single career choice because he knows I wouldn't do well that way. Maybe he knew I’d feel trapped. Maybe, as Jeremiah 29:11 says, he has plans to prosper me and give me a future, but maybe that doesn't mean he has planned out my every move. Maybe that means he has provided options that will allow me to grow, glorify him, and enjoy living, but he has given me the freedom to choose my own.

Maybe my future doesn't consist of a single moment wherein I finally discover “what I’m going to be.” Maybe instead it’s a continuous process of just being myself as I follow God's guidance, whatever that might mean for that moment.

Four years ago, that was being a studying public relations. Today, that’s being a woman chasing after the Lord at discipleship school. Maybe someday it’ll be a missionary, or maybe it’ll be writer. Maybe it’ll even be an architect (though that option is highly improbable). Wherever God leads me in the future, I know two things for certain:

Wherever He takes me, it'll be what my heart has been desiring and prepared for in that season, and that chances are high my "destinations" will constantly be somewhere different because God knows there is a restlessness for change inside of me. Like I said, I’m a bit fickle, but maybe even that will change.  

Seeing Women For What They Are

“It's not being a woman I mind so much," she said slowly. "It’s the way men seem to always order my life." She leaned earnestly toward him. "Your hand, Papa, has wielded a sword and cradled a child and held power over hundreds of men." She held up her own hand. "This one has far fewer adventures before it." - Barbara Samuel, A Bed of Spices 

For as long as I can remember, I've struggled with lies about what it meant to be a woman. I've wrestled with distorted views of what makes a woman beautiful, why women were created, what a woman’s purpose is, what positions a woman should hold, what makes a woman valuable, and the list goes on.

This struggle created resentment in me towards women- myself included. There were specific women I liked, but I disliked the gender as a whole. (I’m not sure how I ever rationalized that in my head, but it happened. I tried to tell myself I liked them as people, but not as women). “Femininity” was a word that disgusted me, and if someone told me I acted “like a lady,” I wanted to cry.

Though many lies about being a woman continue to plague me, there has been one in particular that has overwhelmed me recently; merely thinking about it made me cringe. It centered around this passage:

“The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds in the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them … but for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.” Genesis 2:19-22

Beautiful, right? Well, I certainly never thought so. Truth be told, reading this passage used to leave me feeling discouraged, invaluable, and lowly. While God was saying he created woman as a beautiful partner for man- for companionship, support, and complementing- I was hearing something else entirely. I heard this:

Woman was made strictly for man: fulfilling the desires of a man is her purpose.

Yes, this horrid belief created some serious problems. Not only did I think if I wasn't fulfilling a man that I wasn't doing my job, but I felt that I could bring nothing else to the world. I was convinced that my purpose as a woman was to marry a man, be the perfect wife, bear his children, and so on and so forth. This also led me to believe that my value was in men: if they desired me, needed me, or enjoyed me, then I was valuable and I was fulfilling my purpose. Otherwise I was failing, and I wasn't being a good woman. I mean, if men didn't desire me and I was made to fulfill a man’s desires, what good was I to anybody?

That was my thought process, anyway. You could say I had some twisted views of who I was as a woman. (Even if you don't, I just did).

Recently, though, my perceptions have been changing. There is still so much healing to be done, but I am learning an entirely different truth about women. I’m beginning to understand that women were a gift of companionship to men in the beginning of times, but that in no way defines a woman’s purpose.

The thing is, women weren't created for men, nor were men created for women; we were all created for the Lord.

“For in Him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through Him and for Him.” Colossians 1:16

“You are worthy, O Lord our God, to receive glory and honor and power. For you created all things, and they exist because you created what you pleased.” Revelation 4:11

“Everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made … the people I formed for myself that they may proclaim my praise.” Isaiah 43:7,21

I read this and can see that I was not made for man, but I was made for God. He created me so that I may delight in Him and He may delight in me. I, as a woman, am a gift given to man so that he isn't alone, but this is not the sole reason for my existence.

The purpose of both a woman and man are the same, and they both reside in the Lord.

I see this truth even clearer as I think about heaven- a place of perfect joy, righteousness and glory. The word tells us that there will be no marriage in heaven (For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven, Matthew 22:30) and this brings me such promise. Why? Because my purpose couldn't possibly be solely for the pleasure of a man, otherwise it would only make sense for marriage to exist in heaven. Since it doesn't, it affirms in me that I was not made for man.

I was, but I wasn't. Not wholly, anyway. So here is what I’m trying to say:

As a woman, my presence and my companionship are gifts given to man, but my purpose and value is in the Lord.

I can’t express the joy this brings me, and the joy I hope it brings you too (if you’re a lady), realizing the intricate importance and worth we have as a woman. It’s a worth that isn't defined by any man, and a purpose that doesn't need a man to be fulfilled, for it is all fully in the Lord. 

Made Beautiful by His Light

"Taking pictures is savoring life intensely, every hundredth of a second." -Marc Riboud 

I must say, I love photography. It used to be one of my favorite hobbies when I was younger, actually. I don't devote as much time to it now that I've gotten older, but it's rare that I spend a day outdoors without snapping a picture or two. I love to take a picture of something ordinary from such an angle in such a way that it appears beautifully extraordinary. 

Sometimes I'll see something that I think would make for a great picture, or something so magnificent I believe it should be captured, and I can't help but stop everything I'm doing to snap a photo. I've actually been known to pull right off the road as I'm driving for such an occasion- the picture to the right is a perfect example.

I took this photo one morning on my drive home to visit my family, and I pulled over to take this shot. Really, it's just a tree with some blue sky, but I think it's amazing.

Here's what I love so much about it: the simplicity of a dead tree is made so beautiful by the sunrise through the clouds behind it.

It's so symbolic. To me, it's a brilliant example of life with Christ- death is overshadowed and made beautiful by his light.

"When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." John 8:12

In a strange way, this picture puts life into perspective for me. I was the tree: dead in my transgressions, unable to create anything of glory, beauty, or eternal value on my own. Once the Lord was invited into my picture, however, the scene was entirely different as His life and light overtook mine and created something beautiful.

It's simple, really, but only the Lord's goodness and light can create glory and holiness. Without Him I am like a dead tree unable to bear fruit, but in Him I am like this precious scene worth capturing. 

"They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit." Jeremiah 17:8

It is incredible what God can do with the ugliness of death- it is only the amazing, all-powerful God that can make death such a beautiful victory. 

"You are my lamp, O Lord; the Lord turns my darkness into light." 2 Samuel 22:29

Even in Heartbreak, There is Hope

Have you ever felt like there was a song written specifically for you? Specifically for that moment? One in which every line and every single word seems to have been pulled directly from your heart? You know, it's one of those songs that we can play on repeat over and over again because somehow it is healing. 

Well, that's where I am right now- the song of my heart is stuck on repeat, almost too afraid to stop playing and face the sorrow beyond the music. 

At the same time, however, the music is food for my soul as it is filled with truth and hope from the Lord. In a time of great sorrow, joy, pain, excitement, anxiety, hope, loss, gain, and growth, nothing soothes my soul and heals my heart more than the truth of God's character.

I suppose that's why I want to share this specific song with you- for hope. Heartbreak isn't rare, and when it happens it can feel as if your world is falling apart. I know it, and I'm sure you've felt it too. If not, consider yourself specifically protected in that area by the Lord. If so, maybe these words can bring peace to your soul as they do to mine, despite harboring a broken heart. 

Sometimes all we have to hold onto is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane, that could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn't come and life falls apart and dreams are still undone
You are God, You are good, forever faithful One
Even if the healing doesn't come, yes even if the healing doesn't come

Lord we know Your ways are not our ways, so we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us, You tenderly love us and we know Your heart
And we rest in who You are

Even if the healing doesn't come and life falls apart and dreams are still undone
You are God, You are good, forever faithful One
Even if the healing doesn't come, yes even if the healing doesn't come

You're still the Great and Mighty One
We trust You always
You're working all things for our good
We'll sing your praise

The first line, to me, really says it all. I'm there myself- in a place where my only hope is found in the Lord. I feel that I have nothing more to hold on to, and I must fully trust in Him. 

It may seem like a scary place to be, which it can be, but I believe it is remarkably beautiful.

Yes, it is a wonderful place to be, and I consider myself blessed despite the heartache. Why? Because I have an amazing Lord in which I can trust. If the only thing I can hold on to is the truth about His character, then I'd say I'm holding on to something magnificent and grand. Just a small taste of the Lord looks like this:

God sustains- "Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and rescue you." Isaiah 46:4

God rescues- "He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me." Psalm 18:17-19

God is wise- "For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength." 1 Corinthians 1:25

God is faithful- "Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments." Deuteronomy 7:9

God is compassionate- "The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love. The Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made." Psalm 145:8-9

God is a refuge- "The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." Psalm 18:2

God is kind- "Let the one who boasts boast about this: that they have the understanding to know me, that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight," declares the Lord." Jeremiah 9:24

God is a giver of peace- "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

God is our shepherd- "The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me." Psalm 24:1-4

God is all we need- "Jesus said to them, I am the bread of life; he who comes to Me shall by no means hunger, and he who believes into Me shall by no means ever thirst." John 6:35

Not only this, but every day I am confident that the Lord has a great plan for my life and He works all things together for my good:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

God is a faithful, wise, compassionate and kind shepherd who will rescue us and sustain us. He brings us peace and is near to us always. He plans our future with wisdom and works all things to our good, all the while being everything we need. Amen! In times of heartache, the best thing we can do is hold strongly to the truth of God's glorious, beautiful character. Sometimes, after all, it's all we have to hold onto. 

Information vs. Knowledge

“Information is not knowledge.” –Albert Einstein

Growing up in a Christian household, I felt as if I had plenty of “information.”

I knew all the right answers about who God is and about the stories of the bible. I could reply properly to questioning and I was confident in what the “Christian response” ought to be. My own personal answers, though, seemed at times to be a bit different. I had all the right information, but it hadn't yet converted to knowledge, to belief. I could give you the proper answers, but I hadn't internally begun to believe them.

As I grew into young adulthood- a time in life of crossroads and decisions- I experienced God’s guidance to be one of the most-stressed traits by family, friends, and pastors.

“You don’t know where you want to go to school? Don’t you worry, God will guide you.” 

“You’re not sure what you want to study? I’m sure God will guide your decision.” 

Most recently, what I've heard is this:

“You don’t know what you want to do with your life after you graduate? That’s ok, God will guide you.”

Though each time I have recognized these responses to be the proper Christian answer, I've never felt any guidance from God in my decisions. Instead I've felt lost, alone, and afraid that without help I’ll always make the wrong choice.

At this point in time, what to do with life after graduation seems to be the most eminent decision in my life- it is the climax of choices, the path that will pave the way for the rest of my days. Maybe it only seems this way because I’m currently trying to make it, but it is nevertheless intimidating. I have a world of opportunities in front me and no idea how to pick a single one.

For months and months my indecision about life post-graduation not only created anxiety, but also intense pressure as I realized my choice affected the people around me: my family, friends, and boyfriend.

My thoughts terrorized me daily saying, “Your choice affects everyone else who cares about you, too, so make the right one.”

Not exactly encouraging, right?

Sometimes I would become so paralyzed by fear that I would sob uncontrollably, pleading with God for guidance, telling him I was too afraid to move. Sadly, I eventually became resentful in these moments because I felt ignored; I never heard any answers from the Lord and I felt as lost as I did before I went to him in prayer.  Sometimes I even felt worse.

One morning I became even more discouraged than usual, and I decided to turn to the Word. Maybe God wouldn't answer me through prayer, but perhaps I could find answers and comfort in the words of the bible. As God always does, he met me where I was and gave me answers, though they weren't the ones for which I originally began searching. This is what I found:

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6

“In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.” Proverbs 16:9

I read these and realized I had a gap in my understanding of what it meant to be guided by God. I would pray in times of uncertainty and say, “Lord I pray you guide me in this decision,” but what I was really saying was, “Lord, tell me what to choose and I’ll choose it.”

I didn't want guidance, I wanted answers.

I wasn't truly believing in the power of God! Somehow I thought that if I didn't know exactly where I was going then I’d mess it up. I didn't believe God’s guidance could overpower my obliviousness to the end result of his plan. I may have wanted to be in line with God’s will, but I hadn't put my trust in it- I was convinced that I had to know it and understand it to assure that I followed through with it.

If I truly believed in the wisdom and power of the Lord, wouldn't my willing heart be enough to assure me that God will guide me?

I think back to the simple words Jesus spoke to acquire his disciples: “Follow me.” There were no specifications or details, but merely an invitation to follow him. In fact, the lack of complexity in these interactions has always struck me.

“As Jesus was walking beside the Sea of Galilee he saw two brothers, Simon called Peter and his brother Andrew…’Come, follow me,’ Jesus said, ‘and I will send you out to fish for people.’ At once they left their nets and followed him. Going on from there he saw two other brothers, James son of Zebedee and his brother John…Jesus called them and immediately they left the boat and their father and followed him.” Matthew 4:18-22

“As Jesus went on from there, he saw a man named Matthew sitting at the tax collector’s booth. “Follow me,” he told him, and Matthew got up and followed him.” Matthew 9:9

These men didn't need any explanations from Jesus, but solely the security that came with being led by the Lord. Likewise, Jesus didn't need to provide the disciples with a detailed map of their journey- he merely needed a willing heart.

Decisions may still be intimidating and crossroads frightening, but I too can have the same security as the disciples did, knowing that I am being purposefully guided by God. Though sometimes I may not see clearly where I am being led, I am called to live by faith and not by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7). If I am going to trust anyone wholly with my steps, better the Lord than myself.

God can guide all those who are lost; all he needs is a willing heart.   

Finding Perspective in the Desert

“You see, [Wormwood] it is so hard for these creatures to persevere. The routine of adversity, the gradual decay of youthful loves and youthful hopes, the quiet despair of ever overcoming the chronic temptations with which we have again and again defeated them, the drabness which we create in their lives and the inarticulate resentment with which we teach them to respond to it- all this provides admirable opportunities of wearing out a soul by attrition.” –The Screwtape Letters

I don’t know about you, but I've certainly had the company of this quiet despair- wondering if I will ever escape the constant entrapment I feel I am in. Perseverance, as stated, is indeed quite difficult, especially when the end seems unreachable. I have found that sometimes the courage to continue is discovered in places you might never expect, like the desert.

... ... ... ... ...

This past summer was the first time I had ever been to a real desert (as opposed to the fake ones, of course).

Now when I say real, I mean real. My mom and I took a trip to California in July, and we decided to spend an afternoon in Death Valley. For those of you who haven’t been crazy enough to take a detour to the hottest placed in the country in the hottest month of the year, this gives you an idea of what it looked like:

Not only was it an astonishing view of nature so unfamiliar to our eyes, but my mom and I were in awe of the solitude the valley offered. The silence seemed to echo, as the familiar sounds of birds chirping and wind blowing were absent from this place. Everywhere we looked the landscape appeared to go on for miles; we were unable to even fathom how far it truly went.

At one point in the distance, we spotted a series of sand dunes. Somehow our communication lines got crossed (I thought she wanted to go and she thought I wanted to go) and we headed out into the desert to try and reach the dunes. I’m not sure if either of us actually thought we would arrive there, but I suppose we were both in it for the other person, and so we would see how close we could get.

Embracing the desert with no shade, no wind, and the sun beating directly on our backs, we marched through the heat towards the treasured dunes. Though we quickly grew fatigued in the grueling 110-degree weather, we were both determined to continue on until the other resolved to stop. Now, I can’t guess what my mom must have been thinking, but after about 20 minutes I was working strategically in my mind how I could hint at the fact that I was ready to turn around.

We had walked almost three miles out into the desert, and it was unbelievable how the dunes continually looked the same. They in no way appeared any bigger than when we had started and the mountainous landscape before us still resembled a distant backdrop. After awhile, even the ground we walked on looked the same. If we looked behind us it seemed as if we had traveled for miles, but if we looked before us it seemed we hadn't even begun.

It was so discouraging! I kept putting one foot in front of the other, moving myself forward on auto-pilot, and yet each time I looked ahead I was convinced I hadn't gotten any closer. Walking senselessly in the desert, I began questioning our journey. How long would it be until we could actually see a difference in the distance between us and the dunes? Should I just keep walking if I don’t feel like I’m even going anywhere? I felt like I was in the movie Holes with Shia LaBeouf, and I could totally understand why a poisonous lizard that could kill with one bite could seem welcoming.

Ok, maybe it wasn't that bad, but it certainly wasn't pleasant!

It was shocking how much willpower, strength, and perseverance we seemed to exert, only to find we hadn't actually gotten any closer to the end.

There isn't a whole lot to do in the desert, so as we walked I started thinking (naturally. The last time I was in a desert-like area I compared myself to a cactus, remember?). I thought, “This is how I feel oftentimes. In my trials, struggles, and temptations, I feel as if I work and push and move and at the end of the day I haven’t actually gone anywhere. I’m no closer to healing or victory than I was when I began.”

In life I feel as I did in the middle of Death Valley. I continued to walk aimlessly down the path I imagined I ought to take, but as the end never seemed to move any closer, I constantly questioned if I should continue.

“If I’m not even making any progress, why bother putting in all this effort?”

In the middle of the desert, though, I realized the truth is that I have actually gained some ground. Even though the dunes still looked as far as they did when we began, we legitimately did cover some distance (I especially realized this was true when we had to cover it again on the way back to our car). It was discouraging in the midst of the desert because it felt as if we had put in all the effort for nothing, yet on the way of return we realized how far we had actually gone.

Although I try my hardest not to live in the past, I found it so valuable in that moment. Your eyes and mind will play tricks on you, I learned, and sometimes you need the past to remind you that you have in reality moved.

When the road you’re walking is a long one, the destination can seem an unchanging and never-ending distance away. In fact, sometimes it may be so far away you can’t even fathom what it will be like once you arrive. Though despite what your eyes may see, you can walk confidently and know you are indeed progressing toward the goal.

I don’t plan on irrationally walking through another desert anytime soon, but I do continue to reflect on its lesson as I walk through my deserts at home- in the valleys of death in my life that seem to have no end. I remember that sometimes all it takes it a short glance behind me, only long enough to remember where I began, to assure me that I have been moving. 

A Rut Worth Noting

“For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven.” Ecclesiastes 3:1

I've been in somewhat of a rut these past few months.

Ok, I wouldn't say “somewhat.” It’s been a rut; a deep, painful-to-watch rut. You know, the kind in which anything that would typically decorate your daily life mysteriously vanishes and before you know it you’re living an entirely different lifestyle, only to realize you aren't actually living at all.

Sadly, that’s been me.

I wasn't sure how it began; I only knew that I was in too deep for my own good. I had stopped running. I stopped reading and writing. I stopped enjoying the company of others. I stopped dancing- not professionally, but sometimes I dance to a great beat simply to remind myself how fun it is to be alive. Really, I felt like I had stopped living.

It had been months since I felt deep excitement, joy, or any extent of motivation. I felt purposeless and alone, as though I’d been idling through the mere motions of life. As a result of my robotic state, my relationship with God became shaky. It wasn't that I was angry, but that I lacked any desire or inclination to pray to Him, read of Him, or reflect on Him. The times I did try I felt empty and dissatisfied, so eventually I stopped.

I constantly questioned what was happening, why I was in this place, and what I had done to get myself there. I didn't know how to get out of this rut I was in, nor did I feel that I would have the energy to try if I were to find a way.

One morning as I sat alone pondering the possibility of escape, I remembered a line of song lyrics I had always loved. “Lord, You are who You are, no matter where I am.” This song about praising God through the storms of life, I assumed, had always been about the big storms: a loved one passing away, encountering health complications, a destroyed marriage, etc. That morning, however, I understood that in this strange storm of lethargy it was true to me, too.

The Lord’s character is unwavering, despite our fickle emotions.

I didn't feel any differently but I knew this to be true, so I started trying again. I began by merely stating words, though no feelings or meaning seemed to be behind them. I would daily repeat to myself certain truths I knew about the Lord, though exclamations that were once of joyful faith were now simply indifferent utterances. I was completely unresponsive to the things I was saying, and my remarks were as simplistic as, “Lord, the bible says you’re faithful. That’s cool.”

Day after day I would recite another characteristic I had come to know about the Lord, but the emotions remained buried. Despite my lack of feeling, my words started to become more honest and personal. “Lord, you are indeed faithful, and I have experienced it in my life by this, that, and those.” I would thank the Lord for His goodness, yet only wish that I would someday again feel it.

I continue still today the process of working through this emotional numbness I've had in my life, but in doing so I have experienced the truth of those lyrics. I have found that it can be difficult to wholeheartedly believe the truth about God (or any person, really) until you have personally experienced it in your life, and through this bleak season I was given the opportunity to see more truth revealed. Though stuck in what felt to be the blandest season of my life, I was able to encounter the goodness of the Lord in a colorful way.  I realized that though a season of idleness doesn't hold much feeling of purpose, progress, or joy, it does hold opportunities for more of God’s character to unfold.

It became apparent to me that my feelings or circumstances can never dictate the truth about who God is. It’s a hard thing to explain, this “knowledge despite feelings” concept, but somehow the certainty and character of the Lord overpowered my indifference.

Many people say it, and even I have said it before, but I believe now even deeper that God is constant. I believe that God is holy, present, comforting, deliberate, and spiritually satisfying- even in seasons wherein I feel abandoned, alone, purposeless, and empty.

God is God. Period. What an amazing truth that is.

“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today, yes, even forever.” Hebrews 13:8

The Cycle of a Cactus

This past week I took a trip (a fantastic trip) to the beautiful city of San Diego. My experience there was different than what I expected, yet it was even better than what I wanted. I learned a lot while I was there- a lot about myself, about history, about my life, and about God.

I learned that San Diego is amazing. I learned that Juan Cabrillo, the first Spanish settler to land in San Diego, set sail on the day of my birthday, 1542. I learned how to disc golf, and that the California sun is much harsher than what shines in Michigan (I may or may not have looked similar to a lobster at one point).

I learned that as I travel, it’s not so much the places, but the God who created them that I fall more in love with.

I could actually dedicate an entire blog post to what I learned and experienced during my time in California (and perhaps I will). However, there was something else that specifically caught my eye; the reason for this writing.

One morning I went to Cabrillo, beautiful cliffs on which the Spanish settler first landed, to soak up some sights, history, and beauty. On these cliffs, there was a small section in which a specific type of cacti grew. It was explained to me that these cacti followed a specific cycle of life in always the same time period. This cactus would grow tall for one whole year. Once it reached its peak, the cactus would bloom a beautiful flower. Days later, though not many, the flower would quickly die, the seeds would fall to the ground, and the new cactus would begin again.

Fascinating, right? What’s even more is that as I admired these plants in front of me, I was able to see how fast this process was, as there was a mix of growing, budding, planting, and dying cacti in the same bunch. I could physically see how short of a life span this cactus had, and I could see it in its various forms.

It amazed me how this plant continually went through the same, seemingly pointless cycle, though the uniqueness of it exposed to me once again the creativity of my God.

But could you imagine?! To expound all of your energy for an entire year to bloom for such a short period of time and then die shortly after?

As I pondered the life of the cactus, I wondered, “Maybe this is my life, too.”

Certainly not what it’s supposed to be, but instead what I've made it to be. I expound all of my energy to achieve certain goals- to reach success, to be skinny, to gain wealth- yet will I not quickly pass as well?

“What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.” James 4:14

I spend all of my energy on these “goals” I want to reach, but for what purpose? To what end? Because depending on what I am striving for, I could not even bloom! Yet this cycle just goes on and on: expounding, short reward, death, expounding, short reward, death. What a terribly miserable cycle.

“There was a man all alone … there was no end to his toil, yet his eyes were not content with his wealth. “For whom am I toiling,” he asked, “and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?” This too is meaningless- a miserable business.” Ecclesiastes 4:8

It was so sad to me, this cactus. I felt a pang of sorrow for this plant that spent the majority of its existence either striving or dying. It seemed so purposeless to me to spend all that time growing for such a short period of bloom, though somehow I found it easier to see this in the cactus than in myself.

That’s what nature does to me, I guess. It puts crazy ideas in my head and makes me reflect on life. You put me in a desert and I start comparing myself to plants.

That day, I learned I was living like this cactus- wasting my life working toward a short moment of potential reward. Now don’t get me wrong, for the cactus that’s perfectly fine! I don’t exactly know why God would create such a plant, though it fascinates me that he did.

Here’s what I am saying: I wasn't made to live like a cactus.

I was not made to spend my life striving for a moment of fleeting beauty, and yet so much like the cactus, I do. Oh, but what a waste! There is so much life to live and I miss it because I’m too focused on using my time, energy, and thoughts in this manner.

We all have our “moments of bloom” that we strive for, though they can vary in appearance and form. But let me tell you, this is not the purpose God had in mind for us! No, we were created for so much more- for life.

In Isaiah 43:7, we see that God created us for his glory, and again in Colossians 1:16 that we were made through him and for him. Ephesians 2:10 says that we were created in Christ to do good works, and Matthew 5:16 tells us to let our light shine so others may see these good works and give glory to God.

While it can appear that we were made solely to be “used” by God, Jonathan Edwards, a Christian preacher and theologian from the 18^th century, said it this way:

“God’s purpose for my life is that I have a passion for God’s glory and that I have a passion for my joy in that glory, and that these two are one passion.”

Further explaining this point, John Piper (a preacher and famous author) wrote, “It has become clearer to me that God being glorified and God being enjoyed are not separate categories … enjoying God supremely is one way to glorify him. Enjoying God makes him look supremely valuable. We were made to see and savor God- and savoring him, to be supremely satisfied, and thus spread in all the world the worth of his presence.”

So as you can see, we were made for a much greater and more significant purpose than to use all of our energy and time striving for the single “moment of bloom” we desire. Instead, our lives find deeper meaning when we use them as they were meant to be- glorifying, enjoying, and sharing the greatness of our God.  

Nutritiously Full

Lately I've been on what you could call a “health food kick.” I spend much of my time reading nutritional books, discovering new recipes, learning details about vitamins and minerals, and even watching food documentaries. It’s a bit of a health food craze.

When I first started becoming deeply interested in this topic, I had a difficult time deciding what I wanted to eat. I learned quickly that the meals I’d been eating weren't exactly nutritious, but I wasn't learning fast enough which meals were nutritious. This left me clueless around appropriate meal times as to which foods I should choose to eat. (To be honest, it was actually quite stressful. I don’t recommend becoming nutritionally aware in this way).  

As time went on, I discovered a more efficient and less stressful way to put my new-found knowledge of dietetics to use. Rather than omit from my diet every food that was lacking in nutritional value, I instead began to incorporate slowly foods that are nutritionally valuable and beneficial. As I continued to add the healthful foods into my diet, other foods began to gradually disappear from my fridge, pantry, and shopping list.  

It then became about making nutritionally sound decisions rather than attempting to avoid making unhealthy ones, and somehow that is less stressful. Making a positive decision can be empowering, but trying to avoid a negative decision can be tiring, distressing, and nerve-wracking.

Ultimately, it was about adding what I found to be beneficial and allowing what was unprofitable to be pushed out.

Makes sense, huh? Though I attained this concept through the challenge of stocking my pantry with nutritious “superfoods,” I have learned that it can be valuable in various different aspects of my life.

Many times Christians may ask, “What exactly can we do?” when questioning where the lines of the “Christian dos-and-don’ts” are drawn. They want to know exactly where the line is so they may push it as far as it can possibly go, enabling them to sacrifice and compromise as little of life as possible.

Though I have before asked this question myself, I find it to be unnecessary and deeply counterproductive.

The way to live a Christian life is not to ask, “How far can I push it? How far can I go before it becomes sinful?” Though such deserves a complex answer, I simply believe instead you should focus on incorporating the things you know are good into your life, and allow the bad to be pushed out.

 “So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.” 1 Corinthians 10:31

Whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.

Hypothetically if you were doing everything for the glory of God, there would be no need to ask how much you could compromise his commandments. You wouldn't need to! Your life would be filled with glorifying moments, acts and words, leaving no room for the sinful ones.

Isn't this what we should strive for? Shouldn't we spend our time incorporating good acts into our lives and contemplating how we can live, speak, and work for his glory? Shouldn't our sights be fastened on what we can do for God rather than what we can’t do for ourselves?

If we are solely focused on living for God, we won’t have time to examine how we can live for ourselves as we push God’s boundaries and test his mercy.

Quite frankly, it doesn't matter how slightly or strongly we push a boundary, because any kind of compromise is less than glorifying to God. There is simply no point in asking, “How can I technically follow this but still get around it?” because in strategizing potential loopholes you are not glorifying God, which means you’re already a step behind what you ought to be doing.

So begin filling your pantry of life with righteous and glorifying ways, and gradually those that are unprofitable will be forced out. After all, God gives us a finite amount of minutes each day; we can only fit a certain amount of life into that time. Make it good life. 

Just as I fill my pantry more each day with nutritious (and delicious) foods, I plan to work at filling my heart with God in the same way: forcing out the bad by filling it fully with the good.  

“No good tree bears bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit … A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart.” Luke 6:43,45