“Just write what I tell you to put on the page,” He tells me.
I go through phases like this all the time with my writing. I can’t seem to write. My thoughts don’t make it to the page. I want so badly to share what God has shown me and taught me, and yet when I try I stare at a blank computer screen for hours until I give up. And I do; I don’t write for long periods of time. Some would call it writer’s block, but I don’t. It’s not that there’s a lack of words or thoughts or ideas running through my mind. It’s that there are too many, and I feel an incessant need to thoroughly explain each one. Nobody has time for that.
So this morning I sat down in front of my blank computer screen, wondering if I’d ever get more than a few poorly written sentences on the page, and God tells me to skip all the fancy stuff and just jump right into it- to just write what He has taught me. So pardon me for getting right to the point, but I’m not sure I’ll ever get this one out otherwise.
Here it is: Talking about God will never be a substitute for talking with God.
I went through a fairly difficult adjustment period when I first starting living here in Mexico. I had just spent two years in a discipleship school where I felt my heart for God had grown and matured and deepened. I felt like there was both a greater desire and a greater need for His presence in my life. I felt like my heart had become like a swimming pool, filled daily by His presence and His voice. During my time in the school, it was constantly overflowing.
Then I moved to Mexico, and I started pouring some of that water out. Little by little my pool was being drained, and because I was so busy with my new responsibilities and the adjustment of this new life I was living, I wasn’t taking the time to go to God to fill me up. I no longer felt like the pool of my heart was overflowing, but I wasn’t worried I’d ever be emptied. I mean, I’m a missionary, right? I’m talking about God all the time, and I work with people who love Him. How could my heart ever feel dry in this kind of environment?
Oh, but it could. And it did.
It was surprising to me at first because I seemed to surround myself with so many godly things and I was doing much of the same stuff I had done before. I was going to church. I was involved in a bible study. I’d read Christian books. I was talking about God to other people. I was listening to Christian music. I was playing Christian songs on piano and guitar. I was reading my bible (a little). It wasn’t as if I had cut God out of my life, and yet every day I felt more and more weary. I knew my pool was becoming more and more empty.
After about two months in, I cracked. My insides felt dry. My spirit was so thirsty. I longed for my God as if we’d been apart forever. I didn’t understand. How could I be in a place where God is so prevalent- He’s talked about, He’s loved, He’s known- and yet feel so far from Him? Another month went by and I couldn’t believe how hard it all had become on my heart. I was embarrassed and confused by it all. I felt so empty, and I knew I’d never make it as a missionary if this is what it would be like.
And then one day, as clear as could be, I heard God ask me to come be with Him. I said ok and I figured I’d go read my bible to spend time with Him. I sat down at my dining room table and opened up the bible and heard Him say, “Don’t do that.”
There is no way, I thought, that God just told me not to read the bible. I was sure I was hearing the enemy or that it was my own laziness urging me to put the book down and just relax instead. I shook it off and started flipping through the pages, trying to decide what to read.
“No,” He said again. “Don’t do that right now.”
I was so confused as to why God would tell me not to read the bible. I sat back and just stared for a minute, wondering if I reached for the bible again if I’d hear Him one more time. I thought about it for a second and then asked, “Okay, God, is this you? Are you seriously telling me not to read the bible?”
“Come be with me,” He responded. He didn’t really answer my question, but I knew it was Him.
It’s funny how that works.
Needless to say, I closed the bible and snuck away where I could be with Him in private. I sat there, not really knowing what to do, and so I just said, “Well … I’m here, God. What now?” I knew He wanted to talk with me, but I felt so out of place and so awkward. I didn’t know what to say. What in the world was I supposed to talk with Him about? And then it hit me: I felt awkward talking to God. When did that happen?! Was it not just mere months ago that He and I could talk for hours about something as simple as a flower or the way the sky looked?
Then as we began to speak, I realized it had been so long since I had slowed down enough to really hear His voice. Even though I had been reading the word or talking to others about Him, I wasn’t listening for Him to speak. Yet now as I heard His voice, He hardly had to say anything and I started crying at the sweetness of it all. I couldn’t believe how long it had been since we’d spoken like that, and in that moment I realized how deeply I had missed this communion with Him and how much of a toll it had taken on me.
Throughout my first few months I had talked about Him, yes. I had taught about Him. I had learned about Him. I had heard His name and shared His truth, yes, and yet in those months I hadn’t taken the time to talk with Him, and it made all the difference in the world. I was empty without His voice. I started to lose my perspective, my vision, and my rest. I had no peace. I felt like I was in constant striving, and I was always thirsty. I needed His presence. I needed His voice. I needed Him.
Since that moment with Him, it has been different. I haven’t been perfect in setting aside time by any means, but I have made it a point to rest daily. I’ve made time to sit in His presence and listen, to chat with Him about both important and menial things. I’ve taken the time to talk with Him, and I kid you not, my heart feels full. I feel alive. I have vision and peace and energy, and I am full of His love and joy. His voice made all the difference- His words for me personally, in that moment and in that circumstance. Simply talking about Him would’ve never brought me the same kind of love and peace.
Listen to me, friend: it doesn’t matter what kind of environment you are in. It doesn’t matter if you spend six days of the week at your church. It doesn’t matter if you are involved in a bible study every day of the week or if you spend all your time teaching the Word of God. It does not matter how much time you spend talking about God if you are not talking with Him. You will always be thirsty. You will never find rest. You will not know the “peace of God that surpasses all understanding” (Phil 4:7). These things are found in His presence, not in the mere talk of it.
So go and be with Him. Slow down and talk with Him. Don’t be fooled into thinking talking about Him will ever be a substitute. I can promise you it’s not.
