The Pit of Anorexia, and the God Who Pulls Me Out

I can still remember what they would tell me:

“You've got to realize that your body doesn't matter.

“You ought to be loved for what’s on the inside.”

“The right man won’t care about your body.”

These people loved me, I know, and I’m certain they were genuine in their desire to help me. Yet here I am years later- still struggling, still broken, still hurting- and I feel as if I've actually been more wounded through these words than healed. As I reflect on the thoughts of those who, with good intentions, wanted to guide me through the healing of anorexia, I wonder how such statements were supposed to help. They were all about the supposed irrelevance of my physical appearance, suggesting that once I realized no one cared about my body, I would be free to also not care about my body.

I was fed this idea that no one noticed my appearance (nor did they care), and if somehow I could get myself to believe that, I would be free. I remember how hard I tried. Desperate for freedom, I tried to convince myself that my physique went unnoticed and that appearance didn't matter.

I also remember how I never could; I always failed because it’s just not true. The world won’t let you forget that looks matters.

I couldn't avoid it no matter what I did. In fact, the more I tried to avoid this the more I felt the world shoved it in my face; each time I felt as if I’d been sucker-punched. I had based my journey of healing on the belief that appearance didn't matter, and when any instance suggested otherwise, my heart collapsed. It didn't have to be grand things, either- some of the smallest moments caused the biggest rifts and the deepest pain.

To tell someone with an eating disorder that appearance doesn't matter is to simply swap one lie for another. Looks do matter (I think we’d be fooling ourselves if we were to say they absolutely don’t), but my issue wasn't that I needed to believe otherwise. In actuality, my brokenness manifested when I believed that looks were everything.

The lie in my mind wasn't that appearance mattered- it was that nothing else did.   

I was convinced that looks were everything, and I say that without exaggeration. I had no belief in a love that could look past my appearance, and I was certain that my rejection or lack thereof was directly related to my body. If someone told me they loved me on a “skinny day,” I was more prone to believe them because I’d think, “Of course they do: I’m skinny today.” If someone told me they loved me on a “fat day,” I’d hardly believe them after assuming, “No one could love me like this.”

It was all about my body. If my boyfriend told me I was beautiful, I thought he was talking about my body. If a man even spoke to me, I assumed he wanted something from me sexually. If a woman didn't like me, I figured it was because she was either intimidated or disgusted by my appearance. How ironic it is that such a deep insecurity wasn't always evidenced by such, but instead oftentimes by pride. (Sometimes we may think we’re too insecure to possibly be prideful, but our insecurity is actually what makes us so).

What I described is a picture of what it looked like for me at my darkest hour, and though I've grown greatly in certain areas of my life and heart concerning my disorder, I’m still struggling in that pit. (It’s a tough one to get out of, let me tell you). Thankfully, I have a God who is determined to bring me out of it, and He has been setting me straight on a few things. He has spoken truth, actual truth, to me about myself and my body, and it has healed me more than any words I've heard before on my journey.

The first piece of truth is that appearance does matter, but not in the way I think it does. The human body is a beautiful thing, but God made it to be! Should I be angry at what He created? The thing is that I don’t understand its beauty. The human body is complex and unique, thus worthy of admiration. Just as God made a flower to be pleasing to the eye, He has made our bodies as well- our bodies are beautiful simply because He made them so.

“There are also heavenly bodies and there are earthly bodies; but the splendor of the heavenly bodies is one kind, and the splendor of the earthly bodies is another. The sun has one kind of splendor, the moon another and the stars another; and star differs from star in splendor.” 1 Corinthians 15:40-41

When God shared this with me I still felt some anxiety about the explanation (and I do still simply writing it out), but then God challenged my way of thinking and brought more light into this truth.

One morning I was spending time with the Lord, and I heard Him tell me I am beautiful and that He loved everything about me. I smiled, said thanks, and then quickly began thinking about how I’d lost weight recently. No different than when anyone else told me I am beautiful, I associated it with one thing: my appearance. Immediately God corrected me and said, “Don’t you know when I say I love every single part of you, I’m not talking about your body?”  

I was taken aback by that, especially considering the truth He had recently shared with me about the beauty and awe of a human body. I questioned Him on it, and He responded, “Yes I made it and yes it’s lovely, but when I say I love you I’m talking about you. What you don’t understand is that your body is just a necessary vessel for this earth- in heaven you will no longer have this same body, and yet you won’t be any less you.”

As He said that, I got a picture of a type of gift box, like one you would see on Christmas morning. It was the perfect analogy for me to see that, yes, there is pleasure and delight in the shiny wrapping paper and the sparkly bow on top, but truly the treasure is what is inside the box- that is the gift. As I finally began to understand, God concluded by saying, “When I say I love every part of you, I’m talking about your heart, your soul. Those things are you- precious, beautiful you.”

At last I see that there is in fact a love that can look past my appearance (though still acknowledging it’s raw beauty) and it is a deep, unwavering, satisfying love that will never end.  As I allow the depths of this love into my heart, I realize that the only true healing from my disorder can come from God and God alone. No strategy, inspirational quote, or nutritionist could minister to the wounds in my heart the way God can. Only He can restore and rebuild what the world has broken. Even better, He will.

“If there is a natural body, there is also a spiritual body. So it is written: ‘The first man Adam became a living being’; the last Adam, a life-giving spirit. The spiritual did not come first, but the natural, and after that the spiritual. The first man was of the dust of the earth; the second man is of heaven. As was the earthly man, so are those who are of the earth; and as is the heavenly man, so also are those who are of heaven. And just as we have borne the image of the earthly man, so shall we bear the image of the heavenly man.” 1 Corinthians 15:44b-49 (emphasis added).