Such a thing likely goes without saying when coming from a
writer, but I love to write. I know,
I know. You’re thinking that’s super obvious, right? I get that. It’s an easy
assumption to make, even if you don’t know me any deeper than what you've read
here. What might not be understood through these pages, though, is that even
deeper than my passion for writing is my need for it. I love to write, yes, but
really I need to write.
I’m not sure I can explain that; I just know it’s true. Writing
to me is almost like breathing, as extreme as that may sound. I’m sure any
artist or musician or creator of any type understands this, as if our specific
outlet is something we can’t function without. I write all the time, and sometimes I think I’d fizzle out if I stopped. I
love it, like I said, but I need it,
remember? I need to write to process, to remember, to make sense out of the
countless thoughts that roam around my brain. Writing to me is like emptying
out whatever is going on in my head, pondering it enough to translate it into a
language I can understand, and putting back the necessary components in an organized,
simplified manner.
If I don’t write, I simply can’t think- my thoughts are much
too jumbled on the inside. I don’t know why I work that way, but I do. I guess
I was born to be a writer.
I've always been writing in some sense since I was a child,
but when I began seeking God more intentionally and building a relationship
with Him, I began writing more. All of a sudden there was more joy for me to reflect
on, so I wrote about it; there were more conundrums for me to ponder, so I
wrote about them; there was more relationship for me to document, so I wrote
about it. For years I wrote nearly every day- journal entries, songs, poems,
blog entries- so I could soak into my being the incredible, challenging, and
unprecedented things that were going on in my life.
I had this feeling that my life would be lost if I didn't write out the events of it in some fashion- sometimes I still do.
I deeply enjoyed that aspect of writing: I could always go
back and delight in or learn from what I had written about years before. Nothing
was ever forgotten this way, either, and I liked that. When I first started
hearing God’s voice, I scribbled down His words so quickly I’d always have to
re-write them because I could barely read what I wrote. Post-it notes were some
of my best friends in those days, as I would jot down what I heard Him saying
and then stick it on the wall beside my bed. I wanted to surround myself with
the words God spoke to me, and I literally did.
I still think such was a noble idea, but something happened
once I had a decent-sized collage of notes covering the walls of my room: I
stopped writing new ones. I don’t think it was ever an intentional or conscious
decision I made, but it happened. I don’t think it was because God stopped
speaking to me, either- I think I stopped listening. Instead of running to God
for relationship, I ran to my wall. If I was feeling lonely, rejected,
fatherless, or anything of the sort, I’d recall a note I had posted and I’d sit
in my room and read it over and over. It seemed like a great idea at the time,
and I couldn't understand why it was so unsatisfying.
“God, I don’t get it. I’m reading your words, and I've read
all those verses- why do I still feel so awful?”
It wasn't until later that I understood what He saying at
that time was, “Me.”
“Me, Mary. You need Me.”
Lately I keep thinking about the bible story about the
Israelites being fed manna in the wilderness. I can’t get out of my mind the
fact that God would only provide them with enough manna for a single day, and
even if they gathered more for themselves than that, it would be molded and inedible
by the next day.
“Then the Lord said to Moses, I will now rain bread from
heaven for you; and the people shall go out and gather a day’s portion every
day, that I may test them, whether or not they will walk in My law … and Moses
said to them, Let no man leave any of it until the morning. But they did not
listen to Moses, and some men left part of it until the next morning; and it
bred worms and stank.” Exodus 16:4, 19-20.
I love this part of the story, because the post-it-writing,
note-sticking version of me needed to learn what God was trying to teach them. You
see, God is so powerful, mighty, and able,
that creating a manna that never expires would've been just as easy as creating
one that did. This isn't a story about how the food God provided goes bad and
He has to keep making more because it just won’t last the whole journey. No- if
He had wanted it to last, it would've. The manna going bad wasn't the point.
The point was that God is trustworthy and faithful. The
point was that God has something new for us each morning. The point was Him. We need Him.
Yes, God has given me words and pictures and verses that I
hold dear to my heart, but at the end of the day what I need is Him, daily and
constantly. I believe God gives us those things because they do bring life, but I don’t think they
were meant to sustain life- only He does that. God has something new for me
every morning, and it’s not because what He gave me yesterday went bad, but
because what He gave me yesterday wasn't meant to propel me for the rest of my
life. I need a lifetime of daily
manna, not a lifetime of one serving.
I have found myself these last few months writing down less
and less of what God speaks to me. Compared to others I probably still write
down a lot (I am a writer, after all) but compared to myself I write down much less
than before. Amazingly, however, I am feeling more and more filled than ever
before, and it’s because I daily fill myself with Him. It’s because of a
relationship with Him- my God, my Father, my Savior, my Lord- and not with
the collage on my wall.
I can spend time with God feeling satisfied and unafraid, no
longer fearing His words will disappear and be lost in the depths of my mind,
because I trust in His faithfulness. Instead of hurriedly scribbling words onto
a sticky note, I am able to enjoy His presence and the food He has given me for
the day, peacefully knowing more will come tomorrow.
I still make my post-it notes, of course, but I don’t rely on them as my source for the day- now they are simple, edifying reminders (which is probably the appropriate use of a post-it in the first place).
Yes, God’s food is good, but He Himself is even better. It’s
all about Him. I don't need more of the gift; I need more of the Giver.
