I Can't Stand in Awe of You

I have never been so consistently speechless in my life.

I’m serious. If I had transcripts of all my prayers this past month, most of them would look something like this:

Mary: God … *sobs*

God, you’re so great! *sobs more*

God … *continues sobbing*

Every once in awhile something fancy will get thrown in there, but it’s mostly just tears. They’re good tears, mind you, but tears nonetheless. I am so overwhelmed by who God is and what He has done that I have no words. I hardly have thoughts. I just have tears. I don’t know how else to respond. I am in such awe of Him that my body knows no other way to respond to His goodness but to cry. I pray, of course, but who knows what words stumble out of my mouth through the sobs.

He does, of course. Thank God.

I promise you that whatever picture you have of God in your head right now, it is not big enough. I promise you that my picture isn’t either. We say He’s big and we say He’s great, but we don’t understand. We can’t understand, because He’s that mighty. Paul says we only see and know in part- I assure you that is a very very very miniscule part.

We don’t understand. His greatness, His goodness, His faithfulness- it is so deep it’s immeasurable. Even if we could measure it, it’d be a number so great we couldn’t even define it. Do you realize how great He is?! I am certain that if I were to stand before even a fraction of Himself, I’d melt like candle wax in front of a fire. If I meditate on Him too long, I feel like I may explode.

He’s that great. We have no idea.

As I sit back and reflect on the last month of my life, I am speechless. How is it possible that the God of the entire universe has so blessed me and loved me and cared for me that I feel I am the only one in the world? It seems as if He only has eyes for me, and I can’t comprehend how He could love everyone this much. I want to write down everything He has done and every mountain He has moved, and yet I’m unable to find enough pages and enough time to write it. I’ve written about three pages per day, and I know I’ve left out so much. How is this even possible?

I feel like I am living out what John expressed in his gospel. “And there are also many other things which Jesus did, which, if they were written one by one, I suppose that not even the whole world itself could contain the books written,” (John 21:25). I always thought he was just exaggerated for dramatic effect, but now I wonder if he felt as I do- as if I could spend my entire day writing of His work in my life and I still wouldn’t be caught up. Plus, He’d probably do more miraculous things as I’m writing so I’d fall even further behind.

It’s incredible.

Our petite brains have no capacity to grasp how great our God truly is. Our momentary lives have not the time to write of all the great things He has done. He is so much greater than what we could possibly imagine (and some of us have really great imaginations).

Earlier this year God gave me a picture. I saw a great big ocean and God’s hand hovering above it. In His hand He had an eye-dropper, and He would take up from the ocean a single drop. He would bring it over to me and drop it into my heart. I was literally blown away. My body was tossed backward and the force of that one drop was so strong that I had to recover from how it had knocked me back. It was so powerful that I was out of breath. As I lay in the sand He said, “You have no idea. You have no concept for the depths of what I have to offer you, but I know this and I am patient. I will give you all of me you can handle at a time- one drop- and I will eagerly await each one.”

The Lord not only wanted me to see the depths of His goodness, but also His patience. I had a revelation that He wants to be known and He wants to give me all of Himself and who He is, but He knows He is so great that I can only handle a drop at a time, and even that one drop is overwhelming to me. So, He showed me, He waits. He blows me away with one drop of the vast ocean of who He is and He waits. Once I’ve stood up again and caught my breath and look out into the ocean once more, He smirks at me and asks, “Are you ready for more?” I smile and He takes another drop, and He blows me away again.

This is the greatness of our God! Think of the most amazing revelation you’ve had of Him. Think of the time you were most amazed and truly believed that God is big. Think of a time He blew you away and left you speechless.

Beloved, that was only one drop.

Oh, our God is so great. He is so good and mighty and big. We have no idea! As if that wasn’t enough to fall to my knees in worship (it totally is!), I am amazed by the truth that it is this God who loves us. It is this grandiose, immeasurable, powerful God who knows us and calls us His own. It is this God who chose us and pursues us and sacrifices Himself for us. It is this God! How is such goodness even possible?

I am reminded of the old hymn I used to sing as a kid that read, “I stand, I stand in awe of you. Holy God to whom all praise is due, I stand in awe of you,” and I think, “There’s no way I could stand.” I can’t. His greatness brings me to my knees every time. I am in awe of Him, that much is true, but it makes my knees buckle. I can’t even begin to explain it. I can’t even begin to understand it.

God is so great.

Oh, how those words feel so empty when trying to describe Him. No words in the English language (or any language, for that matter) could ever come close. I have no words. I have no song I could sing or prayer to pray that could ever do Him justice. I have no words.

I do have tears and intermittent mumbles. Thankfully, He welcomes even those.

Oh God, you are so so good. You are so great I can hardly catch my breath. This was a really good drop. 

Icing on the Cake

“Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:3-4

Last night as I was falling asleep, various scenes from the past two years of my life ran through my mind. It was as if I was watching a movie before bed and the Lord was walking with me through each clip, showing me what it looked like from His eyes. In every scene I was crying. I knew the moments well, and I could remember the emotions as if they had all happened yesterday.

“Ah, so this is going to be a sports movie,” I thought. “He’s going to remind me of all the times that I wrestled.”

Scene after scene, the Lord showed me the moments in time when I had wrestled with my heart to be a missionary. It seems ironic that I ever had to wrestle with this, but looking back it makes perfect sense. I don’t know why I ever thought the Lord had other plans for me, but for whatever reason I had a sinking feeling that maybe, just maybe, being a missionary wasn’t my calling. What if it wasn’t? Would I still trust God? Would I be happy wherever He had me? Would I still follow Him if His path wasn’t what I wanted?

I struggled with these questions over and over and over. Would I give up what my heart desired for the Lord? There were days I wouldn’t. I didn’t understand why He would ask me to give that up anyway, and I didn’t even want to wrestle. I just said, “No.” Many days, though, it was a fight. I wanted the Lord and I wanted to follow Him, but I didn’t want to stay where I was. I wanted to travel the world and preach the good news! I didn’t want a simple life in a small town.

“If I asked you to stay, would you?”

The Lord went through scene after scene of my yeses to Him. They were all through tears, but He reminded me of all the times I said yes. I watched myself sob through the words, as if in those very moments I was giving up my resolve to travel and be a missionary. “I want to want what you want. I will stay if you ask me to stay.” Time and time again, I laid down my life and proclaimed that, though it hurt, God was worth it and He was enough. It was not easy.  In those moments of surrender I had felt sorrow and pain and loss, yet watching them again I felt excitement. I felt as if I were watching my child take her first steps. I felt proud. I felt love. I felt joy.

I knew this was how my Father had felt for me.

One scene in particular stood out to me and we lingered there for a moment. I suppose you could say it was the final yes in a series of yeses. It was a day near the end of the school year, and I had been praying about what to do after school had ended. I had felt no direction. I didn’t feel peace about going back home to Michigan, and I didn’t feel peace about pursuing missionary opportunities elsewhere. The only option that brought me peace was staying exactly where I was. I didn’t like it, but I knew it was what the Lord was asking of me.

“For how long?” I’d ask.

No response.

“Will this be forever?” I’d whine.

No response.

“But what about …?” I’d wonder.

“Trust Me,” He’d say.

So there I am one day at school and during prayer, I utterly break down. I sobbed. I cried and poured out everything I had in my heart. I confessed to the Lord that I was afraid. I was scared that I would never leave, that I would never receive the desires of my heart. I was sad to think about staying. It hurt. It felt as if a part of my heart as dying. I told the Lord about how deep the pain was, and that I didn’t understand why I had to let something like this go. I mourned my dreams and my desires.

Then, I let them go.

I said yes to the Lord, and this time it was loud. It wasn’t a whisper. I wasn’t trying to get myself to believe He was enough- I believed it, and I proclaimed it. I didn’t want to want what He wanted. I wanted it; whatever it was. I professed to the Lord that more than anything what I wanted was Him. If He asked me to stay, I’d stay. If He asked me to go, I’d go. As long as He was with me, I’d do it. I proclaimed that I trusted Him and that I believed He had good things for me. I said yes again and again and again, and I prayed that if He wanted me to stay for the rest of my life, I’d do it and I’d be content. He would be enough.

Last night as I watched myself let go of all the things I wanted for the sake of the Lord, I felt even more love rush over me. My Father whispered to me how overjoyed He was in my surrender. It wasn’t a selfish joy, either. He wasn’t happy because now He could have me all to Himself and tell me to do whatever He wanted. I don’t know how to explain it, but I felt it. I felt such pure joy and pleasure and delight; I felt excitement about what was coming.

It felt like the relief you feel after you’ve been holding your breath for a really long time. It was as if the Lord had been waiting and waiting for that moment and when it came, He could finally exhale and say, “At last. Oh, how I have longed for this day.”

I saw one last picture- myself driving down to Mexico as a missionary in two weeks- and I was overwhelmed again by joy at the thought of His faithfulness. The very thing I gave up, He has given to me not three months later. How good is God?!

“Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Hm, what the Bible says is true. Go figure!

What a depiction this verse is of my life for the past two years. I stopped, I slowed down, and I took the time to delight myself in the Lord, and He has indeed given me the desires of my heart. The incredible thing is, the more I delighted myself in the Lord, the more He became the desire of my heart. Being a missionary never ceased to be a desire, but it became second to that of being with Him. I still wanted both, certainly, but I became convinced that if I had to pick one, it would be Him. He was my one desire. I was sold.

I believe it was then and only then that I could truly enjoy the fulfillment of being a missionary, and it was my surrender that allowed God to fulfill it. I don’t think this was some sort of formula and God was waiting for the magic words, but I do think it is truth. It’s just true. When we delight ourselves in the Lord, He will give us the desires of our hearts.

I don’t know why it works this way, but it does. Maybe, just maybe, He wants us to first recognize that He is all that can truly satisfy. He is the one thing we can long for that can never be taken from us. When we want the Lord above all else, our desire will never go unfulfilled for He Himself is faithful to fulfill it! Then as we delight ourselves in Him and are satisfied, He will give us the other desires of our hearts that turn out to be just icing on a really delicious cake.

Who doesn't love a really good cake?

Feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself in Him. He is good and trustworthy and able, and He will give you the desires of your heart- starting with Himself.