I Can't Stand in Awe of You

I have never been so consistently speechless in my life.

I’m serious. If I had transcripts of all my prayers this past month, most of them would look something like this:

Mary: God … *sobs*

God, you’re so great! *sobs more*

God … *continues sobbing*

Every once in awhile something fancy will get thrown in there, but it’s mostly just tears. They’re good tears, mind you, but tears nonetheless. I am so overwhelmed by who God is and what He has done that I have no words. I hardly have thoughts. I just have tears. I don’t know how else to respond. I am in such awe of Him that my body knows no other way to respond to His goodness but to cry. I pray, of course, but who knows what words stumble out of my mouth through the sobs.

He does, of course. Thank God.

I promise you that whatever picture you have of God in your head right now, it is not big enough. I promise you that my picture isn’t either. We say He’s big and we say He’s great, but we don’t understand. We can’t understand, because He’s that mighty. Paul says we only see and know in part- I assure you that is a very very very miniscule part.

We don’t understand. His greatness, His goodness, His faithfulness- it is so deep it’s immeasurable. Even if we could measure it, it’d be a number so great we couldn’t even define it. Do you realize how great He is?! I am certain that if I were to stand before even a fraction of Himself, I’d melt like candle wax in front of a fire. If I meditate on Him too long, I feel like I may explode.

He’s that great. We have no idea.

As I sit back and reflect on the last month of my life, I am speechless. How is it possible that the God of the entire universe has so blessed me and loved me and cared for me that I feel I am the only one in the world? It seems as if He only has eyes for me, and I can’t comprehend how He could love everyone this much. I want to write down everything He has done and every mountain He has moved, and yet I’m unable to find enough pages and enough time to write it. I’ve written about three pages per day, and I know I’ve left out so much. How is this even possible?

I feel like I am living out what John expressed in his gospel. “And there are also many other things which Jesus did, which, if they were written one by one, I suppose that not even the whole world itself could contain the books written,” (John 21:25). I always thought he was just exaggerated for dramatic effect, but now I wonder if he felt as I do- as if I could spend my entire day writing of His work in my life and I still wouldn’t be caught up. Plus, He’d probably do more miraculous things as I’m writing so I’d fall even further behind.

It’s incredible.

Our petite brains have no capacity to grasp how great our God truly is. Our momentary lives have not the time to write of all the great things He has done. He is so much greater than what we could possibly imagine (and some of us have really great imaginations).

Earlier this year God gave me a picture. I saw a great big ocean and God’s hand hovering above it. In His hand He had an eye-dropper, and He would take up from the ocean a single drop. He would bring it over to me and drop it into my heart. I was literally blown away. My body was tossed backward and the force of that one drop was so strong that I had to recover from how it had knocked me back. It was so powerful that I was out of breath. As I lay in the sand He said, “You have no idea. You have no concept for the depths of what I have to offer you, but I know this and I am patient. I will give you all of me you can handle at a time- one drop- and I will eagerly await each one.”

The Lord not only wanted me to see the depths of His goodness, but also His patience. I had a revelation that He wants to be known and He wants to give me all of Himself and who He is, but He knows He is so great that I can only handle a drop at a time, and even that one drop is overwhelming to me. So, He showed me, He waits. He blows me away with one drop of the vast ocean of who He is and He waits. Once I’ve stood up again and caught my breath and look out into the ocean once more, He smirks at me and asks, “Are you ready for more?” I smile and He takes another drop, and He blows me away again.

This is the greatness of our God! Think of the most amazing revelation you’ve had of Him. Think of the time you were most amazed and truly believed that God is big. Think of a time He blew you away and left you speechless.

Beloved, that was only one drop.

Oh, our God is so great. He is so good and mighty and big. We have no idea! As if that wasn’t enough to fall to my knees in worship (it totally is!), I am amazed by the truth that it is this God who loves us. It is this grandiose, immeasurable, powerful God who knows us and calls us His own. It is this God who chose us and pursues us and sacrifices Himself for us. It is this God! How is such goodness even possible?

I am reminded of the old hymn I used to sing as a kid that read, “I stand, I stand in awe of you. Holy God to whom all praise is due, I stand in awe of you,” and I think, “There’s no way I could stand.” I can’t. His greatness brings me to my knees every time. I am in awe of Him, that much is true, but it makes my knees buckle. I can’t even begin to explain it. I can’t even begin to understand it.

God is so great.

Oh, how those words feel so empty when trying to describe Him. No words in the English language (or any language, for that matter) could ever come close. I have no words. I have no song I could sing or prayer to pray that could ever do Him justice. I have no words.

I do have tears and intermittent mumbles. Thankfully, He welcomes even those.

Oh God, you are so so good. You are so great I can hardly catch my breath. This was a really good drop. 

Icing on the Cake

“Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:3-4

Last night as I was falling asleep, various scenes from the past two years of my life ran through my mind. It was as if I was watching a movie before bed and the Lord was walking with me through each clip, showing me what it looked like from His eyes. In every scene I was crying. I knew the moments well, and I could remember the emotions as if they had all happened yesterday.

“Ah, so this is going to be a sports movie,” I thought. “He’s going to remind me of all the times that I wrestled.”

Scene after scene, the Lord showed me the moments in time when I had wrestled with my heart to be a missionary. It seems ironic that I ever had to wrestle with this, but looking back it makes perfect sense. I don’t know why I ever thought the Lord had other plans for me, but for whatever reason I had a sinking feeling that maybe, just maybe, being a missionary wasn’t my calling. What if it wasn’t? Would I still trust God? Would I be happy wherever He had me? Would I still follow Him if His path wasn’t what I wanted?

I struggled with these questions over and over and over. Would I give up what my heart desired for the Lord? There were days I wouldn’t. I didn’t understand why He would ask me to give that up anyway, and I didn’t even want to wrestle. I just said, “No.” Many days, though, it was a fight. I wanted the Lord and I wanted to follow Him, but I didn’t want to stay where I was. I wanted to travel the world and preach the good news! I didn’t want a simple life in a small town.

“If I asked you to stay, would you?”

The Lord went through scene after scene of my yeses to Him. They were all through tears, but He reminded me of all the times I said yes. I watched myself sob through the words, as if in those very moments I was giving up my resolve to travel and be a missionary. “I want to want what you want. I will stay if you ask me to stay.” Time and time again, I laid down my life and proclaimed that, though it hurt, God was worth it and He was enough. It was not easy.  In those moments of surrender I had felt sorrow and pain and loss, yet watching them again I felt excitement. I felt as if I were watching my child take her first steps. I felt proud. I felt love. I felt joy.

I knew this was how my Father had felt for me.

One scene in particular stood out to me and we lingered there for a moment. I suppose you could say it was the final yes in a series of yeses. It was a day near the end of the school year, and I had been praying about what to do after school had ended. I had felt no direction. I didn’t feel peace about going back home to Michigan, and I didn’t feel peace about pursuing missionary opportunities elsewhere. The only option that brought me peace was staying exactly where I was. I didn’t like it, but I knew it was what the Lord was asking of me.

“For how long?” I’d ask.

No response.

“Will this be forever?” I’d whine.

No response.

“But what about …?” I’d wonder.

“Trust Me,” He’d say.

So there I am one day at school and during prayer, I utterly break down. I sobbed. I cried and poured out everything I had in my heart. I confessed to the Lord that I was afraid. I was scared that I would never leave, that I would never receive the desires of my heart. I was sad to think about staying. It hurt. It felt as if a part of my heart as dying. I told the Lord about how deep the pain was, and that I didn’t understand why I had to let something like this go. I mourned my dreams and my desires.

Then, I let them go.

I said yes to the Lord, and this time it was loud. It wasn’t a whisper. I wasn’t trying to get myself to believe He was enough- I believed it, and I proclaimed it. I didn’t want to want what He wanted. I wanted it; whatever it was. I professed to the Lord that more than anything what I wanted was Him. If He asked me to stay, I’d stay. If He asked me to go, I’d go. As long as He was with me, I’d do it. I proclaimed that I trusted Him and that I believed He had good things for me. I said yes again and again and again, and I prayed that if He wanted me to stay for the rest of my life, I’d do it and I’d be content. He would be enough.

Last night as I watched myself let go of all the things I wanted for the sake of the Lord, I felt even more love rush over me. My Father whispered to me how overjoyed He was in my surrender. It wasn’t a selfish joy, either. He wasn’t happy because now He could have me all to Himself and tell me to do whatever He wanted. I don’t know how to explain it, but I felt it. I felt such pure joy and pleasure and delight; I felt excitement about what was coming.

It felt like the relief you feel after you’ve been holding your breath for a really long time. It was as if the Lord had been waiting and waiting for that moment and when it came, He could finally exhale and say, “At last. Oh, how I have longed for this day.”

I saw one last picture- myself driving down to Mexico as a missionary in two weeks- and I was overwhelmed again by joy at the thought of His faithfulness. The very thing I gave up, He has given to me not three months later. How good is God?!

“Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Hm, what the Bible says is true. Go figure!

What a depiction this verse is of my life for the past two years. I stopped, I slowed down, and I took the time to delight myself in the Lord, and He has indeed given me the desires of my heart. The incredible thing is, the more I delighted myself in the Lord, the more He became the desire of my heart. Being a missionary never ceased to be a desire, but it became second to that of being with Him. I still wanted both, certainly, but I became convinced that if I had to pick one, it would be Him. He was my one desire. I was sold.

I believe it was then and only then that I could truly enjoy the fulfillment of being a missionary, and it was my surrender that allowed God to fulfill it. I don’t think this was some sort of formula and God was waiting for the magic words, but I do think it is truth. It’s just true. When we delight ourselves in the Lord, He will give us the desires of our hearts.

I don’t know why it works this way, but it does. Maybe, just maybe, He wants us to first recognize that He is all that can truly satisfy. He is the one thing we can long for that can never be taken from us. When we want the Lord above all else, our desire will never go unfulfilled for He Himself is faithful to fulfill it! Then as we delight ourselves in Him and are satisfied, He will give us the other desires of our hearts that turn out to be just icing on a really delicious cake.

Who doesn't love a really good cake?

Feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself in Him. He is good and trustworthy and able, and He will give you the desires of your heart- starting with Himself. 

My Unnecessary Guilt

I remember reading a blog post one time that talked about how boredom was a sign of spiritual immaturity. It suggested that those who were bored in their lives merely didn’t know how to adequately be with God because God is not boring. I remember reading it and feeling as low as one could possibly get. “I’m a terrible Christian,” I thought. “I get bored all the time!” To this day, I still can’t shake that thought from memory. It has been permanently ingrained into my mind that boredom=bad Christian.

I have suffered immense guilt because of those words.

You see, I am a doer. I’m an extreme, restless, let’s do it all, please give me more work, doer. I do. I’ve never been much good at sitting unless, of course, the sitting is part of what I’m doing. I’m not good at “stillness.” I know it, God knows it, and anyone who has followed my blog for over a year knows it because I’ve written about trying to be still and rest so many times. I don’t rest like a lot of people. In my type of resting, I am still doing; I just do something lighter. I always do. That’s how I am made.

Because I’m wired this way, I’m restless when I’m not doing something. I become antsy. I feel lethargic and sad. I do not thrive in any way. I get bored. I start asking myself questions like, “Why would anyone ever retire?” and “What would the point of life be if you did?” Yes, I know to some of you that sounds crazy- I’ve been told. I know it sounds like I’m a workaholic who can’t enjoy life- I’ve been told.

The sad thing is, I have let such labels guilt me, confine me, and define me for a long time. I have believed for years that there is something wrong with me because I always want to be on the go. People have suggested I didn’t know how to be happy where I was or I was afraid of commitment. I never really felt that way, but I supposed there had to be a reason why I had these “wrong” feelings. It didn’t occur to me that someone could simply enjoy doing, going, and moving. It was impressed upon me as abnormal.

I was deceived by a number of lies about myself and how I was, one of the most damaging being that boredom meant I was spiritually immature. Even when I’d try to explain that I experience God in the doing, I’d be accused of “multi-tasking God,” and I would feel even worse. They’d say God is deserving of our undivided attention (which is true), but why couldn’t I give Him mine? The thing is that I could, but only for a little while. After about an hour I’d get antsy. I’d have to get up. I’d have to do something. Whenever I did, I’d feel guilty and then berate myself for being a bad Christian. Did I just get bored with God?

Yesterday I was on a walk and guilt began to overwhelm me. I had been bored most of my day. Yes I had a quiet time. Yes I spoke to God. Yes I spent time with Him, and yes I was still bored. I began mentally scolding myself for not being a good enough Christian. “I must not love God enough,” I thought. “Otherwise I could spend my whole day with Him and not be bored at all.” What kind of lie had I bought into? God spoke up and said, “Hey, I made you that way.” I could tell there was a hint of laughter in His voice.

I paused. I had to clarify because at first I thought He meant He made me to be bored and I just didn’t appreciate that. He then explained to me, though, that He made me to be a doer and there is never any reason to feel guilt about how He has crafted me. He and I began to talk about all the ways we spend time together, and He assured me it’s okay that I find it easier to do things with God than to sit still and stare at His beautiful face. Do I take time to sit still and stare at His face? Yes. Do I get restless after awhile? Yes, but it’s not because I think God is boring. It’s because I’d rather experience God in the doing than in the gazing, and that’s okay. That’s how He made me.

Some people could spend an entire day in one room, meditating on the character of God and they’d have the best day ever. That’s incredible, and I commend them. However, I can’t do that. I can spend some time meditating on the character of God, but I’d get antsy. What I could do is spend an entire day hiking, talking to God on my way and experiencing His character as we traipse through the woods together. That’s also incredible, and it’s not any less holy. Not in my opinion, anyway.

I think there is a big difference between doing stuff with God and multi-tasking God. I think there is a great difference between being bored with God and being bored along with God. I don’t mean to insinuate that God can get bored (maybe He can- I don’t know), but I do suggest that I can love someone with my entire being and if all I am doing is sitting around with that person, I will still be bored. The bottom line is that God knows that. See, He knows how He has made me. He knows that I enjoy Him most when we are doing things together.

That’s why God runs with me. That’s why He likes to take me on adventures and why He makes excuses for me to get lost in my car. It’s why I can hear Him loudest when I am doing something else. God knows I am a doer. He made me that way, and He will reveal Himself to me in that context. Does He still ask me at times to be still and just listen? Yes. Does He still ask me to sit and meditate on who He is? Yes. Does He get upset or think less of me because I prefer the former? Not at all. He designed me that way- He knew I would.

You know what? Jesus was a doer, too. He knew how to rest, of course, but He also knew how to go. There were times in His ministry when He would work for so long that He skipped meals for days. Sure, He escaped to the mountain to go pray, but who’s to say whether He experienced God more during the hike to the top or during the meditation on the peak? Who’s to say it wasn’t both? That’s the beauty of God- He can meet you in either place.

I write all this to say, to both myself and to you: however you are, that’s the way God made you. Don’t be ashamed- He made no mistake.

Some people can’t wait to retire. Others never want to. Some seek God in stillness. Others seek Him in movement. Some hear God loudest in silence. Others hear Him loudest in clamor. Neither is wrong; they are only different. How thankful I am that we have a God who can meet us and speak to us in a thousand different ways. In fact, I think it is one of the most beautiful things to see a person connect with God on a level He intended for them to.

God made me a doer, and I believe He intended for me to seek Him in the doing. If I happen to get a little bored from time to time, God gets it. He’s not ashamed- He’s probably laughing. I hope what He’s doing is planning our next great adventure!

Never apologize for how you are- God made you just right.

Maybe twenty years from now I’ll look back at what I wrote and think I was wrong and boredom actually does equate to spiritual immaturity. On the other hand, maybe I’ll look back and be thankful I learned this lesson when I did. What would those twenty years have looked like if I hadn’t?

“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are you works; my soul knows it very well,” (Psalm 139:13-14).

What We Don't Want To Hear, Pt. 2

"Then the Lord spoke to Moses, saying, Speak to all the assembly of the children of Israel, and say to them, You shall be holy, for I, Jehovah your God, am holy," (Leviticus 19:1-2). 

I am Jehovah your God. Be holy for I am holy. God repeated this mandate continually throughout the book of Leviticus. It amazes me, actually, how often the Lord reminds His people who He is as He "lays down the law," so to speak. Much of Leviticus is directed toward the priesthood, but in a span of three chapters in which the directions for holy living are given to the people of Israel specifically, God echoes this proclamation of who He is 25 different times.  

It seems to me like He really wants to hit home the point that 1) He is holy and 2) He is God and lastly, 3) He wants us to be as He is. 
If I had to pick one concept that stuck out to me through my reading of this book, it would be that holiness really matters to God. "Be holy for I am holy." This was neither a half-hearted statement nor a passing thought. This was the foundation and purpose for the law: our holiness. It is apparent as one reads through the book of the law that holiness is a matter of great importance to the Lord. 
I think sometimes we can become so caught up in the grace of God that we forget the holiness of God. We are more apt to remember that Jesus didn't condemn the women caught in adultery than the fact that He commanded her to go and sin no more (see John 8:10-11). Yet both aspects are the truth of who God is and what He desires of His people. He is full of grace and compassion toward us in our shortcomings, but He wills that we leave our sin and live a life of holiness. 
It matters to Him that we change. He loves us as we are, but He is not content to leave us there. Now, as I explained in my previous post, we are free from this Old Testament law. Simply because it is beneficial for understanding doesn't mean it is binding. We are not required to live by the same conditions that God's people once did. Thank you, Jesus! However, the principles of holy living given in the law are still applicable to us today.
Disclaimer: As we search the law for understanding, we must remember that God has not changed from the Old Testament to the New Testament. How we relate to Him has, but who He is has not. What was once important to Him still is, and what He once considered to be sin still stands. He is the same yesterday, today, and yes, even forever, (see Hebrews 13:8). We should keep this in mind as we continue.
Okay, so are you with me so far? Holiness is super important to God. The law helps us understand what holiness is. Thus, the law is beneficial. 
So far so good? Sweet! (I'm assuming you said yes). Let us jump in, then, to discover the principles of the law and what they mean for us today. 
Oh, by the way: The beauty of grace is that, as we dive in, we mustn't be concerned with our standing before God. We are free to read through a host of laws we assuredly don't follow, and we can be confident in the power of Jesus's blood to redeem us as if we always had. We are holy before the Lord- don't forget that He has made you new. 
Leviticus begins with eight chapters that discuss protocol regarding different offerings unto God. These are the exciting chapters that talk about animal sacrifice, a little blood sprinkled here and there, removing fat from bones, etc. I could go into all the symbolism and how they all represent an aspect of Jesus and what He has done for us, but I'm currently more concerned with how they affect our walk of holiness because, however strangely, they do. 
We no longer bring animals or food to an altar, but we can bring to God the best of our time, our devotion, our money, and our lives. God is worthy of our best, and He knows when we give Him less. 

In my last blog I left you with questions about the purpose of the law to us now that it has been fulfilled through Jesus Christ. This is it, my friends: our holiness. Paul says that although through the works of the law no one shall be justified before God, "through the law is the clear knowledge of sin," (Romans 3:20). An understanding of the law will guide us into the holiness the Lord desires for our lives. 

... ... ... ... 

Holiness principle one: God is worthy of sacrificing the best.

What struck me throughout the offerings is that God required His people to sacrifice an animal from their herd of cattle without blemish. Cattle was part of their livelihood, so it was a cost to them, and God wanted a perfectly pure sacrifice. He wouldn't accept the disabled cow that no longer plowed or the sick goat that was of no use. It was, by definition, a true sacrifice- they had to give up something that was of great value to them. 

Not only this, but some of these sacrifices were to be made more than once per day. That's a lot of sacrifice! The principle here is that God is worthy of our best in every day, and we ought to give Him no less than best of what we have. We no longer make sacrifices to earn God's grace, but we sacrifice in response to grace because God, the glorious gift-giver, is worthy. 

It matters to God whether we give to Him of our first fruits or if we give what we have left over. Do we give Him our time and attention before we get started with our day, or do we wait until after we've spent time accomplishing everything else under the sun? Do we offer Him money as soon as we receive the paycheck, or do we give to Him after we've bought all we wanted to? Do we allow Him to direct our lives, or do we give Him a small portion of our life wherein He can have a say? He deserves the first and the best, and that is what we should offer.

Don't bring God a sick goat; He deserves your best. Walking in this reverent generosity is holiness.

"He who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. He who seeks to find his life shall lose it, but he who loses his life for My sake shall find it," (Matthew 10:38-39).

Holiness principle two: God is ruthless with sin, and so shall we be. 

In Leviticus 12, God distinguishes between clean and unclean animals, stating those that are considered clean are able to be sacrificed and eaten without fear of defilement. The unclean animals, however, must be avoided at all costs. 

The Israelites are commanded to literally shatter stoves or vessels into which any unclean insect may fall, and likewise must rid themselves of articles of clothing or sackcloth that becomes tainted. It is certainly drastic and seemingly unnecessary, yet it's not merely about a few flies falling in your water. The principle here is that sin will defile whatever it touches, and we are to be ruthless with it in our lives. Even sin the size of a fly has the power to destroy us from the inside out if we let it. 

God didn't play games with sin, and neither should we. He didn't overlook even the smallest of unclean insects, though we tend to gloss over (and even justify) the "smallest" of sins such as lying, stealing, pride, worry (yes, worry), judgment, or disobedience. In our human perceptions we create a hierarchy of sin, failing to realize that every sin of every "size" defiles us just the same. 

It doesn't matter if it's just a fly if it still contaminates your soul. 

We are to be merciless with the sin in our lives, and we ought to shatter any vessel that harbors it. Don't dare drink out of the cup of pride that says, "I'm better than him because..." nor the cup of worry which says, "What if...?" Surely sin has tainted your drink, and even a drop will defile you from the inside out. 

Walking in such fierceness toward sin is holiness. 

"And if your eye stumbles you, cast it out; it is better for you to enter into the kingdom of God with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into Gehenna," (Mark 9:47).

Holiness principle three: God doesn't purify sin; when sin is present, He brings in the wrecking ball.

Though similar in ways to point number two, I thought this concept was especially important to add. In Leviticus 13-14, God gives instructions on how to deal with leprosy. Much of this, I believe, is practical, yet also symbolic in many ways regarding sin. What I find fascinating is what God says about leprosy that has spread to clothing and housing. 

There is a process of isolation to go through when a house or cloth is suspected to be infected by leprosy, which is an attempt to remove the infection from the item and observe whether it is still unharmed. However, when the appointed time passes and it is clear that the clothing or house is tainted by leprosy, the clothing is burnt and the house is broken down (and its pieces of stone are thrown outside the city). 

I think there is something to be said about the way God utterly destroys what has been infected. The principle is that sin must be mercilessly destroyed and cast out of our lives lest it corrupt our very foundation. We ought not build around sin with a wall of "good stones" and think that will cause the infection to be stifled. You can not build a solid house on a tainted foundation. 

To me this looks like harboring "stones" of greed, lust, jealousy, pride, hate, and bitterness in the houses of our hearts and believing they won't contaminate the others around them. I assure you, a stone of kindness will quickly be squashed by even a pebble of jealousy. We must cast out these stones and tear down the house we've built with them. No house will stand with such sin in its walls. 

Now, as humans we may fall prey to these emotions from time to time, but we must not build with them. There is a difference between stumbling and accepting.  We may stumble, but we do not accept nor justify the sin. 

Ridding our lives of sin-infested stones is holiness. 

"Therefore this iniquity shall be to you like a breach in a high wall, bulging out and about to collapse, whose breaking comes suddenly, in an instant," (Isaiah 30:13).

Holiness principle four: God has appointed us to walk in purity and be separated from the ways of the world.

Chapter 18 begins the section of Leviticus that details holy living for God's people. These three chapters (18-20) focus on purity and living differently than the wicked people who had inhabited the land before them. Listed here are mostly examples of what they are not to do, and one command in particular stuck out to me. 

"...nor shall a garment made of two kinds of material come upon you," (Leviticus 19:19). I think this one entices me because it is so weird. I mean, what's the big deal? Well, the big deal is that it isn't about the fabric at all. The principle here is that we are to be pure; not mixed in with the world and its customs, but wholly as God designed us to be. You see, God is not offended by me if I wear a shirt that isn't 100% cotton, but He is displeased when I live my life partly in the culture of the world and partly in the culture He constituted. 

God desires us to walk in purity in all aspects, and He doesn't want our character nor our lives to be assimilated with the world. I believe this is so important because as Christians we can be deceived to think we must be "relevant" to get our message across. We think we must blend in with the culture so people will listen and hear the truth. Yet we misunderstand that the church is most effective when it is least like the culture (you can see that to be true all throughout church history). It is holiness- not as perfection, but as difference- that draws people in and causes them to question.  

We are not meant to look like the world- we were called as Christians to stand out. It is vital, both to God and to His message, to walk in this purity. We must not blend ourselves, in even the most insignificant ways, with the world. 

Do we? 

Do we avoid things such as drunkenness, sexual immorality, demoralizing music and shows, drugs, and idolatry, or do we engage in these things either unknowingly or to prove some sort of point that Christians can still be "cool?" I suppose we could debate about which of those are actually sinful, yet let us be in agreeance about one thing: none of them are life-giving nor do they set us apart from the world. 

It is holiness, by definition, to be set apart from the ways of the world.

"Do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect," (Romans 12:2).

I could go on and on about what further instruction we could find in Leviticus, but the point is this: God is God, He is holy, we are to be holy as He is, and the law in the Old Testament is not disqualified from helping us be so. 

One last thing I would like to point out is that holiness is not about perfection. The definition of holiness is to be set apart for a specific purpose and regarded as sacred (which means to be reverently dedicated to a purpose). So really, it's not about being a great person or being a perfect witness for Christ. None of us can be that within our own power, anyway. We need the grace of God to change and be changed- no amount of holiness ever originates within ourselves. 

Holiness is about being set apart and being dedicated. Walking in holiness is about being so devoted to the Lord, that it becomes our joy to walk in His ways that will bring Him glory and delight. God doesn't ask us to be perfect- He knows we aren't and won't be! What He asks of us is to be holy, to be different, to walk in His ways and not our own. 

"Be holy for I am holy." We don't have to be perfect, friends. We just have to be different. 

Lastly, on top of all of this we must have humility. If we do not have humility, nothing else we do will matter to the Lord. We must walk in humble holiness, or all will be lost. After all, it's not our own strength that produces within us holiness, but the endless grace of God. 

"The greatest test of whether the holiness we profess to seek or to attain is truth and life will be whether it produces an increasing humility in us. In man, humility is the one thing needed to allow God’s holiness to dwell in him and shine through him. The chief mark of counterfeit holiness is lack of humility. The holiest will be the humblest." -Andrew Murray.  

What We Don't Want To Hear, Pt. 1

"Let's talk about Leviticus," said nobody in the 21st century, ever. Ok, that's not entirely true, because I myself have actually said those exact words a few times. Maybe I'm a little misguided. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment. Maybe, just maybe, I think Leviticus actually has something worthwhile to teach us.

But let's face it, Leviticus is probably on the list of top five books of the Bible no Christian wants to read. Based on the reactions I get from people when I talk about it, I'd even say it may just be number one. "It's boring, outdated, and flat-out weird," they'll say. Well, I will agree with them on two-out-of-three. 

I won't try to pretend Leviticus is the most riveting chunk of scripture you'll ever read, nor will I act as if there aren't a ton of strange commands written there. Though I don't agree that it's outdated, I understand why many people can think so. I once did, too. But in an age where Leviticus scriptures are thrown around by both Christians and non-Christians alike (one to support a point, and one to claim how ridiculous their point is), I'm going to say it once more: let's talk about Leviticus. 

As Christians, I understand it can be complicated to grasp the relationship between the law of the Old Testament and the law of grace. I don't fully understand it myself, but I think I've begun to. I think it is a natural response, as children of the latter law, to make a mental note of sorts that says the Old Testament books of law, such as Leviticus, have no relevancy or importance anymore. Yet in my studies and prayers through this book, I am continually overcome by the revelations and importance hidden in its pages. 

So how can we read this book (or at least tolerate the fact that it exists in the Bible) with a proper outlook? Is it possible to be aware of the commands listed and still be confident in the wisdom, grace, and love of God? I certainly think so, and I think an appropriate understanding of its relevancy or lack thereof is exactly where one needs to start. 

First things first, let me say that we are no longer slaves to the law. Once upon a time, God gave His people a host of laws which they were to live by, and they were to do so or face the consequences of His judgment. They were slaves to this law. We would've been, too, had it not been for Jesus who came to bring about a new way. 

In Paul's letter to the Romans, he put it this way:

“Likewise, my brothers, you also have died to the law through the body of Christ, so that you may belong to another, to him who has been raised from the dead, in order that we may bear fruit for God ... now we are released from the law, having died to that which held us captive, so that we serve in the new way of the Spirit and not in the old way of the written code," (Romans 7:4,6).

"Sin shall not have dominion over you, for you are not under the law, but under grace," (Romans 6:14).

In Galatians he describes the law as a guardian that protected God's people until the time of faith. 

"So then the law has become our guardian unto Christ that we might be justified out of faith, but since faith has come, we are no longer under this guardian. For you are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus," (3:25-26). 

So the law is no longer our master. We do not live under the same list of laws which God's people once did. We mustn't fret when we, as bacon lovers, read that pigs are classified as unclean animals- such restrictions are not for us anymore. We must, however, keep in mind that Jesus Himself warned us, "Do not think that I have come to abolish the law of the prophets; I have not come to abolish, but to fulfill," (Matthew 5:17). We must remember that Jesus didn't do away with the law as if it were a mistake. He made a better way, but he didn't discount the old one. 

Though 21st century Christians no longer abide by the literal applications of the laws listed in Leviticus, there is a symbolism and principle within them that still stands. God gave us the law, and though we are no longer slaves to it, it can still instruct us in how to live. If we are wise, we will listen; but we'll get to that later. 

For now, remember this: we are no longer slaves to the old law. We now live under the law of grace. 

The second aspect I want to discuss is the idea of being holy. Throughout Leviticus, God instructs His people to be holy because He is holy. He says it as He gives instruction regarding clean and unclean animals, as He gives practical examples of the Ten Commandments, and again and again throughout this book known for its commands and stipulations. "For I am the Lord your God. Sanctify yourselves therefore, and be holy, for I am holy," Leviticus 11:44).

I don't know about you, but that one verse was so intimidating to me the first time I read it. It was simple enough- God is holy, and He wants us to be holy as He is- but you see, I'm not perfect. That verse suddenly brought to mind every wrong thing I've ever done and every rule I've ever broken, and I became overwhelmed feeling as though I must measure up to God, but assuredly never would. Such an impossible task is immensely daunting and discouraging. 

As Christians, we can fall into the trap of believing holiness is something for which we must work. We think we must do everything properly in order to please God, and if we mess up, we hang our head in shame because we once again missed the mark of holiness. Yet this mindset is so misguided, and we will surely fail to glean anything from reading the law if we are still bound to it. 

Remember, we are free from the law. That means we do not receive our holiness, justification, nor redemption from following it. 

Paul says, "Out of the works of the law no flesh shall be justified before Him," (Romans 3:20).

The way to be holy, to be justified and redeemed, is not through the law but through Christ. The truth is that by His grace, we have already been made holy. God already calls us holy. 

"Because of Him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, and righteousness and holiness and redemption," (1 Corinthians 1:30).

"But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for His own possession..." (1 Peter 2:9).

"For by one offering He has perfected forever those who are being made holy." (Hebrews 10:14). 

We must remember that we are holy through Christ Jesus. He has redeemed us, justified us, and made us holy before the Lord. We are dressed in His righteousness- clothed in the holiness of the Holy One. We mustn't mistake this to mean that we are perfect human beings who can never fall short, for surely we know that we are all capable of sin. Indeed, we are still in the process of being transformed from glory to glory (see 2 Corinthians 3:18), but before God we are considered holy. 

In God's eyes, He sees in us and on us the holiness of Christ. That is the gift of grace, and nothing we do or don't do can take from us this gift Jesus came to give. 

We are considered holy before God, and we are free from the law. This is where we start.

I believe if we understood this wholeheartedly, it would open our eyes to what the book of the law has to teach us. We wouldn't be suffocated by all the rules we feel we must follow, nor overwhelmed by the pressure to measure up to God's level of holiness. We would be free to read the book and ask, "God, what are you saying to me in this? What do you have to say to us in the 21st century?"

And truth be told, we should ask these questions because, "All scripture is God-breathed and profitable for teaching, for conviction, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, fully equipped for every good work," (2 Timothy 3:16-17).

So if we are no longer under the law, do we use the book of the law in our lives today? What principles are there that still apply to us now? The answer is yes, and plenty. Check out my next post shortly, and I'll share more details of some revelations God has given me through Leviticus about who He is and who we are to be. 

Until then, saints.

God Over Coffee

"Let's chat on the front porch this morning," He said. "There is a nice breeze today."

I gladly took my place on the wooden, white rocking chair that overlooked the fields surrounding the house. As a light wind brushed my face, I watched the trees and wheat fields dance in front of me. The weather alone was enough to put me in a great mood all day. He knows me so well.

"Good morning," I smiled.

"I'm glad you're here," He said.

We sat and talked as good friends do, simply enjoying the presence of the other even in the moments of silence. My heart was overjoyed, as always, to be with Him.

"What is still on your mind?" He asks me; not out of curiosity but out of kindness, for surely He knows already. He never fails to give me an option.

"I can't stop thinking about John 8:31-32. If you abide in My word, you are truly My disciples; and you shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free." 

"Yes," He says.

I laugh at His ambiguity. "Well," I say, "I always enjoy reading this verse, but right now I feel overwhelmed. Not in a bad way, of course. You know that. I just can't help but think of the first time you spoke to my heart with this verse."

"Ah yes, I remember that wonderful moment," He responds. "You already knew Me (as well as you could at that time) and you already believed in Me, but in that moment you realized I knew you. You realized I had a plan for you and that there was hope."

"Yes," He says wistfully, "I remember."

"Yes! Yes," I say as tears of joy begin to fill my eyes. "Yes, that was the moment I started to believe differently- when I truly found hope. That was the first time I believed there could be freedom, and I knew you would take me there."

"I gave you that verse as a gift, do you remember?" He questions.

"Of course! That's why it brought me such hope and faith. It wasn't just a good verse. It was your affirmation for my heart."

"Exactly. I knew your heart, you see, but you didn't know that then. You didn't know I am a warm, gentle Father who has been with you every step of your life- even in the hardships. You didn't know that there is abundant life in store for you as My child. You didn't know you were never alone in your fight for freedom; I have always been fighting with you and for you. I knew the desire of your heart was freedom, even before you uttered the words out loud. I wanted you to know that I knew you."

I can hardly respond through the tears as I reminisce about the journey I have been on. I think of how suffocated I was by bondage in my life two years ago. I hated myself and most other people, I was anorexic, I was controlling, I was angry, I was immoral, and I was so hurt by others that I closed off my heart to any and everyone. I was a cold and broken girl, and I wasn't sure I could ever truly be free from the habits, the hurts, and the lies that bound me.

All of this, and yet I went to church every Sunday. I loved God, but I didn't know much of His character or of His word. I didn't understand that when God said "you will be free indeed," that He meant "you will be free indeed."

Sometimes I'm not even sure how I ended up where I did, but the arrangements were made for me to attend a discipleship school in California at the start of 2014. I had no idea what to expect, but I remember telling myself, "If nothing else, I want to walk away from this with freedom." I didn't want to be the way I was anymore. I didn't want to hurt the ways I always had. I wanted to be free.

I think about the verse I received as a gift nearly as soon as I arrive to California, and I am overwhelmed merely by the events leading up to my journey. "You always knew," I say in awe.

"Of course I did," He says, "even when you didn't."

Oh, how faithful He has been to me.

"I am so amazed because ..."

I pause. I can hardly describe His greatness with words. He smiles as He waits for me to explain my thoughts further. He knows where I am going.

"I am amazed because it wasn't at all what I expected. I thought freedom would be found in a book or in an equation. I thought it would take science and facts and maybe even a program of some sort to fix me. It didn't take any of that. I didn't need the truth of facts or information," I say with built excitement.

He waits once more.

"Freedom was found in a person!" I exclaim. "He is the truth, and He has set me free!"

"Yes, My child, truth is not an ambiguous concept. Truth is a person. Truth is My Son. He alone will set you free."

"And because He is the word like it says in John 1, this verse is more about knowing Him than knowing about Him. Then that relationship is what brings such freedom, right?!"

He smiles at me. I can tell He enjoys watching my brain try to comprehend His goodness.

"I knew plenty about you before, but I didn't really know you. I didn't know your love like I do now."

"I wanted to change that," He says. "I invited you two years ago on an extraordinary adventure with the One who loves you most. I wanted to introduce you to an abundant life of love and freedom and joy. I was thrilled when you accepted."

"I had no idea what I was in for, but I am so thankful. You have been so faithful to me. Most of the time I wasn't even seeking out freedom- I was lost in the beauty of who you are. Yet when I sought you, I was free. As I seek you now, I am even more so."

"You need not seek anything apart from Me. I am freedom. I am truth. I am life and joy and peace. When you seek Me, you will find these things. I am more than you can ever imagine, and I am ecstatic about the rest of our journey together."

"There is more?!" I ask excitedly. "I mean, I know there's more, but what I've experienced with you these last two years would've been enough for me forever."

"In Me are treasures and joy you know yet nothing of in comparison. I have much life for you- abundant life- and if you come with me, you will truly experience it."

"Always, Lord."

"Always is what I've got planned," He said.




"You will make known to me the path of life; in your presence is fullness of joy; at your right hand there are pleasures forever." Psalm 16:11