I want to be honest with you: I didn't want to write this
post. I was so discouraged, in fact, I wasn't sure I’d ever write another blog
post again. I didn't think it mattered. Even as God prompted me to write this
morning, I told Him I didn't want to anymore. Not like this, anyway.
I explained to Him how I felt it wasn't making any
difference to anyone, yet it was emotionally draining and risky for me because I
write with such vulnerability. I questioned why I should open my heart so much
if it didn't even matter, and the answer I gave myself was that I shouldn't.
God patiently responded to me, but He didn't try to convince
me that my writing mattered, that people were reading my blog, or remind me of
the great importance of impacting even a single soul. Instead, He said to me, “Be
faithful with little, and I will give you much.”
I wish I could tell you right now that I believe in my
writing. I wish I could say that I believe what I’m about to write is important
and it’ll change you. I wish I could say that I believe it is worth it. I can’t.
All I can say is that I believe in the
God who speaks to me, God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ, and I believe
that He can (and will) speak to you as you read this, regardless of whatever
words I choose to put on this page.
Maybe that’s all I need to believe, anyway, for my writing
to make a difference.
So here I am writing when it’s the last thing I’d like to
do, just to be faithful to the God I believe in, because I trust that He will
move and speak and touch hearts even through my simple words. That is my prayer
for you, friend. I hope and pray this matters.
............
God spoke to me this morning about my great need for Him, and
He did so through my friend Fred. For this to make sense to you, I must let you
know Fred isn't exactly my friend in the typical sense: he is my water bottle. Originally
he carried a brand of water named Fred, and so I've jokingly called him such
ever since. This bottle is super cool because it carries an entire liter of
water, which means I only have to drink the whole thing twice to get my daily
amount. I appreciate this, because Fred has been faithful in keeping me
hydrated throughout a long week of work during which I’d usually become
dehydrated. Plus, it’s a slim bottle, so it’s not awkward to carry around.
Okay, back to my story: God using Fred to speak to me. So, I
walked into the break room at work today consumed by great sadness. I was so
full of hurt, anger, insecurity and discouragement that I didn't think I’d be
able to make it through the day without crying out on the show floor. I knew I
desperately needed to hear the voice of my Father if I were going to function
at all today. I sobbed as I sat at an
empty table, repeating the same four words over and over again. “I need you,
God. I need you. God, I need you.” I needed His light to break through the
darkness that was surrounding me, and assuredly enough, God was faithful. He
gave me the strength, comfort, and peace I needed in that moment.
My eyes started to dry and my burdens began to lift, and I
praised God for His goodness. I sat back feeling better, yet still as if I weren't ready to face the day. Then God said to me, “It’s not enough.”
Huh?
“It’s not enough to
come to me when you’re thirsty. That will not satisfy you. You must drink of
me, of my life-giving water, continually every day. If you don’t hear my voice
or feel my presence in the little things, the big things will never be enough.”
I began to cry (ironically, because I had just finished crying) as I understood how
true God’s words to me were.
“I do God, you’re
right! I need you all the time. Every day. In every moment! Not just the
difficult ones. I need you like… like …”
“Like water.”
“Yes!” As He said it I knew He meant more than the mere similarity
of survival. No, I was sure He meant the way
in which I need water is also the way in which I need Him: constantly.
If you’re not
trailing with me at this point, let me explain. You see, we humans need a lot of water. The consensus is about 64
ounces of required water per day, which is equivalent to drinking a two-liter
bottle of pop each day (but filled with water, of course). Plus, that amount is
only the basic minimum. If you drink coffee daily, you need more water. If you
exercise, you need more water. If you work outside, you need more water. Our
lifestyles and the choices we make affect our necessary amount of water intake.
So that’s a lot of water, right? I mean, a two-liter of
water is pretty hefty. How are you going to drink all of that in one day? It’s
simple, really. You’re going to carry around a water bottle with you everywhere
you go and drink it one sip at a time. Maybe you’ll take a few big gulps in the
morning to get you started, but if you do it throughout the day you’ll end up drinking
more water than you even thought possible.
Do you see what I’m trying to say here? This is how we need
the Lord!
Just as we wouldn't quench our thirst for the entire day by
drinking a glass of water in the morning, neither can we quench our thirst for
God by a mere hour of “quiet time” or bible study after we wake. We need Him as
we need water: constantly. Maybe
that looks like a day consisting of five-minute prayers here and a few short
worship songs there, with a few intermittent chunks of bible reading. Maybe it
looks like a simple, continual conversation with God throughout the day. I’m sure
it could look like a lot of different things, to be honest, yet they all will
look like carrying a water bottle around so you can drink from it perpetually.
This is what God was explaining to me today; that I
desperately need Him, and I need Him continually. I need Him even when I don’t
feel thirsty, just as we need water. (Side note: when you feel thirsty for
water, technically you are already
dehydrated). I need to hear His voice all
the time, and not just when I need the affirmation. I need to feel His presence
all the time, and not just when I
need the strength.
It is the constant relationship with God that keeps me
spiritually hydrated, not just the monumental moments.
The grand experiences with God are great and I don’t deny
their significance, but I will always run dry if I don’t drink all the time. God isn't someone I need solely when I’m upset or hurt or afraid. He is faithful to
me and present with me in those times, of course, but if I only seek Him in those
certain times, it will never be enough.
Indeed, it is true. I need God like I need water: constantly.
