"Nothing changes what already happened. It will always have happened. You either let it break you down or you don't." - Charles Frazier, Nightwoods
Not many people run straight into the darkness of their past; into the pains, the failures, and the heartbreaks of it all. It's not typically a place we really care to go. No no, instead we try to ignore it, to stuff it down so deeply that we forget it. We cover it up, rushing along time in the hopes that one year, two years, or ten years from now it won't seem so significantly painful, so dark, so haunting.
Honestly, that's all I could think of when I returned to the States nine months ago. After spending a year in Mexico as a missionary, I came back in survival mode, hoping that time would hurry itself along so I could look back in 10 years and it would all be just a distant memory. I couldn't stand to be so close to it all- how long would it take for my past to really feel like it was in the past? Would it ever? Was it even?
My time in Mexico was both the darkest and ugliest year of my life. To say I crashed and burned would be putting it lightly, and I certainly wasn't alone in whatever car I was driving. Maybe a train wreck might be more accurate? To put it simply, I rebelled against God, and I hurt a lot of people in the process. I was selfish and deceitful. I did some of the most horrendous things I could imagine, all the while with the title "Christian missionary."
After nearly a year there, I was fired from my position and was told to never come back. When I returned to the States, I was a shell of the person I once was (or thought I was), and I was covered in shame, regret, anger, sorrow, pain, and failure. I felt utterly empty on the inside, the pain so deep that I couldn't feel anything.
So six months ago when I joined a discipleship school, I hoped and prayed with everything in me that our yearly mission trip wouldn't be to Mexico. In years past, the common destination was indeed Mexico, but I had heard that this year there were other options on the table. I swore that even if our trip was going to be there, I just wouldn't go.
They didn't want me there, and I didn't want to be there. I just settled with the fact that Mexico would forever be a dark place on my map.
Ironically, although not-so-ironically, the school decided to go to Mexico. It took months for me to even agree in my heart to go. The only thing that kept me going was my faith in the fact that nothing takes God by surprise. It was no accident that He led me to the school this year, and it was no coincidence that the mission trip that year would be to Mexico. I was terrified of going, afraid of what awaited me on the other side, but I knew He was going with me, and so I would go.
The anticipation on the way there made me physically ill. I was filled with anxiety and nerves. Much of my time was spent in prayer and worship on the way down, trying to fight the fear that was overwhelming me. After a long drive we finally arrived, and we spent two weeks in a canyon only twenty minutes from where I had lived. The sights, the smells; all of it was too familiar. Painful memories flooded my mind, and I continually had to fight the feeling that God was cruel to bring me back here.
Every day was a battle. Condemnation, fear, and self-hatred were heavy in the air. They hovered over me, just waiting for an opportunity to make their way back into my heart. Yet every morning I'd press in to the truth God had spoken over me in the past nine months since I had returned.
"For there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, for the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death," Romans 8:1-2.
"And He who sits on the throne said, 'Behold, I make all things new.' And He said, 'Write, for these words are faithful and true,'" Revelation 21:5.
"God made Him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God," 2 Corinthians 5:21.
"The Lord Himself goes before you and He will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged," Deuteronomy 31:8.
Over and over I would remind myself of God's promises to me: that I have been forgiven and made righteous; that nothing can separate me from His love; that He is with me and He is helping me; that He has made me new and does not condemn me; that He doesn't hate me. Some days were easier than others. Yet through it all, I was overwhelmed by His grace and mercy for me. Every day was a battle, and yet I continually felt as if I was soaring. It was a very strange feeling, to be honest, because I felt both oppressed and free.
Beyond all of my understanding, His love sustained me.
The trip held many amazing experiences, though I won't take the time to explain them all. However, God's grace and favor were all over me. I spent every day ministering and serving others in the midst of my own inner battle, and in turn others- without prompting- would turn and minister to and serve me. I overcame many fears and inner demons in those two short weeks. It all happened so fast, it still feels like it was a dream.
On our last day in Mexico, I was overcome by fear. We were going to spend the day relaxing at the beach as a reward for all our hard work, and I internally started panicking. Don't get me wrong: I couldn't wait to return to the States. My heart and soul were exhausted from all of the emotional stimulation (both good and bad) that I had experienced on our trip. Yet on our way to the beach, I quickly became anxious at the thought that our trip was nearly over.
But wait, I hadn't fixed it yet. It wasn't over. I could still feel the ugliness of my past, like a sticky paste that was all over my body, and I couldn't get it off. It felt nasty. All I wanted was for it to be over, for it to be history, for this trip to somehow erase the previous year I had spent in Mexico. Yet in that moment I realized my past was still alive and well, and that nothing I could do would change it.
I couldn't change it. It didn't matter how many times I came to Mexico. It didn't matter how many times I ministered or how much I served. It didn't matter how many times I proclaimed that God's love has set me free and made me new. Nothing I did would be able to erase what I had done. My past was still there, and it felt so heavy over me in that moment. Struggling to fight against what I thought was the voice of condemnation, I suddenly realized that, actually, it's true.
The truth is, it doesn't matter how many times I go to Mexico to serve or to minister. It doesn't matter how many mission trips I take. None of it will ever change or redeem the past.
But what's also true, is that God didn't take me to Mexico to redeem the past. He already accomplished redemption fully on the cross.
Instead, it was His grace and His kindness that invited me to return to Mexico to make new memories, to take away the sting of the old, to change the way "Mexico" tasted in my mouth, to remind me that even when I am weak He is strong, to show me that the past has no hold over my future, to bless others with that which He has given me: unconditional love and redemption. He brought me back so that, even in the very land in which I was unfaithful and ashamed, I would be confronted with the truth that nothing will disqualify me from proclaiming His truth, nor will it separate me from His love.
My redemption was already paid for a long long time ago, and it was done by His work on the cross. Yet in His great love for me, He wanted to take it even further, to give me hope and beauty from the ashes of the train wreck I caused. He wanted to restore to me what had been lost, and bring back to life that which was dead- in the very land where it had withered.
"In that day you shall not be put to shame for all your deeds by which you have rebelled and sinned against me ... for I will give you honor and praise in every land of your shame," Zephaniah 3:11,19.
