Oh God, How I Need You

I've been coming to realize lately how often and how desperately I need God.

I used to think I just needed him for the big, life-changing stuff. You know, the, "God please help me arrive home safely, pass this exam, get this job," stuff. The addictions. The disorders. The BIG stuff. Recently, I’ve learned that I desperately need him in even the small, daily stuff (which actually turns out to be the big stuff).

A few weeks ago I heard a pastor say in reference to grace, “You can’t accept something if you don’t know you need it. This is why God reveals our sin.” In the same way, one won’t depend on God if they don’t think they need to, and this is why he reveals our weaknesses.

When God reveals our weaknesses, he illustrates to us our deep need for him.  

Back in February, I went on a week-long trip with my church. The purpose of the trip was to grow in Christ, but throughout the trip I was miserable. I felt nothing other than broken. Each day, more of my imperfections and scars were revealed in my life and I felt far beyond repairable. It was too much too quickly, and I didn’t know how to handle each new aspect of damage I was finding in my life.  

What I hadn’t yet realized was that God was opening my eyes for my benefit. He wasn’t pointing it out to hurt, shame, or overwhelm me. God wanted to heal me, to begin repairing my heart, and he could only do so once I opened my heart to him. If I didn’t think I had a need to be healed, I wouldn’t turn to God for healing.

Though unintentional, I was quite overwhelmed by it all, but I learned through it the freedom that comes in fully depending on God in everything. 

I’m learning now that I need God in every aspect of my life, and I need him desperately. I feel that each day I reach a new mountain, whether it be new obstacles of pain, confusion, anger, hurt, etc., and I find myself each time saying, "I have no idea how I could do this without God." 

Jesus says, “Apart from me you can do nothing,” which is absolutely true, but I feel as there is so much more. It’s not just doing that we need God for. While there is nothing that I can do apart from God, there is also nothing I can be. No redemption I can bring. No healing I can find. No comfort I can give. No wisdom I can speak. No words I can write. No love I can display. No strength I can assert.

I need God for everything.

I need him every minute of every day in every situation, and I continually see that holding true in each aspect of my life, that I couldn't do it without God. I see it in my relationship. I see it in my goals. I see it in my friends and family. I see it in my words, my heart, my thoughts, my dreams.

I need God daily for strength. I need him daily for my identity. I need him daily for healing, comfort, peace, encouragement, love, wisdom, hope, purpose, direction, and grace. I need him for breath and for life.

I need God in every moment because I am broken, because I have a damaged heart. I am an imperfect being who lacks fullness on my own. But in God I am made complete, I am given renewed strength, and through him my world comes beautifully to life. 

Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. John 15:4-5

For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and in Christ you have been brought to fullness. Colossians 2:9-10. 

My Anniversary

Anniversaries are pretty neat, in my opinion. It’s a day to celebrate a past event; an event that was wonderfully life-changing. Sometimes anniversaries are for a romantic relationship. Sometimes an anniversary is for the date you last indulged into a guilty pleasure. Sometimes an anniversary is to celebrate a new life.

My most recent anniversary is a sort of mixture of all these.

This week is my anniversary to remember when I actually starting walking and living my life with my God, and it is my week to celebrate the beautiful walk it has been.

Although my actual birthday (November 27, 2004 was when I invited Jesus into my heart) was years ago, I didn’t actually learn how to “walk” until this past year. What I mean by that is this: though I had accepted Jesus as my Savior, I didn’t know him. Not really. I didn’t know exactly what being a Christian meant. I wasn’t able to walk just yet, but eventually I did start crawling.

Last year, I crawled through the basics of who God is and how he loves me, and it was enough to bring me to my feet and help me walk.

By September, I was jumping. Looking back, each was a blind and irrational leap of faith, but I took them, and that’s part of what makes this anniversary so amazing. It’s incredible how quickly my newfound faith and relationship caused me to change my life so drastically (well, caused me to allow God to change my life, actually). 

Before I knew it, my heart was being transformed, my community was being built, and my world was being turned upside down. It was all great things, which made it exciting, but so much change was still quite scary. I can confidently say that this past year produced the most amount of change in my life in such a short time. 

And this was a spiritual change. A heart change. THAT kind of life change. 

It was totally awesome, and totally epic. 

God changed my life a lot, in ways that I will be forever grateful for, but he also taught me a lot. This past year was full of transformation, but it was also full of learning. God has taught me a lot of things, though some I am still trying to fully grasp.

God has taught me about the beauty of vulnerability and community; that being alone and declaring strict independence is not going to protect my heart from future hurt. That little can compare to the freedom felt when you can openly share your heart with someone.

God has taught me about love and trust; that they are real and they are meant to be shared. That love is worth the bumps and bruises it may deliver, and it will always triumph and prevail.

God has taught me about my heart and who I am (though this is one that I still struggle to understand and know). That in him I am complete and holy, and I am designed exactly as he desired I be.

Above all, my favorite lesson so far has been about God himself. God taught me about who he is.

God taught me of his character and his love, of his power and strength, of his hope and comfort. He taught me about who he is, who he actually is.

God taught me that his character can be shown through the beautiful people in my life, but that it is so much more than what people in my life can portray.

I’ve learned that any human greatness is only a taste of how great God is, that God is so much more than what we are at our very best.

“For the foolishness of God is wiser than man’s wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man’s strength.” 1 Cor 1:25.

God then taught me that if our greatness can’t compare to him, then surely our evil is even further from his character. 

God taught me that not all flaws in humanity are a reflection of who he is. That hurt I have experienced had wrongfully shaped what I thought of him. That he is so much greater than worldly imperfections.

God helped me to see his face and know his heart through the truth of his words. He helped me to disassociate from him the brokenness and evil I saw in man.

God helped me to see him as one I could have a relationship with, rather than just a distant and emotionally detached being. That he isn't just an authority, but that he is a friend, a partner, a companion.

God helped me to see him.

(I also learned that he loves running too, and he never turns me down when I ask him to come with me). 

My life and my heart have changed tremendously this year, and it's been awesome. I've grown into a beautiful community of believers, and I've found love, hope, and purpose. But the best part of this year? I now know my Savior. I know deeper the heart of my protector, my leader, my teacher, my comforter, my provider, my father, my creator, my deliverer, my stronghold, my truth and my light. 

And in all these, I have found my best friend. And now, I can’t imagine living my life without him; I don’t know how I ever did.

So this week is my week to celebrate; to celebrate a new life in Jesus, and a new companion in God. It is a week to celebrate the strength in letting go of an old life, but the beauty of creating a new one. It is a week to celebrate an incredible walk with an amazing friend; a glorious journey that has just only begun.