If you don't know my brother, that could give you a small picture of his personality, and if you do know my brother, you probably know which of the five I'm talking about.
I love my brother, and I actually admire the fact that he can sit around doing nothing in particular and still have the time of his life. I, on the other hand, can hardly even comprehend such a trip- I'm much too restless for that. When I go on a vacation, I go to do everything. When my brother goes on vacation, he goes to do nothing. That's just who I am and who he is, and that's just how we've both always been.
Even throughout childhood I was always on the go. My mom tells me I would rarely allow myself to be held once I learned how to crawl; I wanted to be moving. When I was a kid, I remember playing "work" and pretending like I was going to my job where the office was made out of an old ironing board and cardboard boxes. I liked to work. "Doing" is inherently a part of who I am. I always wanted to be doing something.
This is all fine and dandy I suppose, until God starts asking you to rest. To a woman whose idea of a long nap is 20 minutes, the thought alone of "resting" freaked me out. I don't rest, I do.
It was roughly two years ago when I first started hearing this call from the Lord to rest. I didn't quite know what that meant, but I wasn't sure I wanted or needed to know because I didn't feel all that tired, so I just brushed it off and kept "doing."
Whenever I felt like God was asking me to rest, I thought he was simply suggesting, like my friends had, that I slow down so I don't burn out. I genuinely felt fine, and so I would kindly take the words with a grain of salt and say, "Thanks, but no thanks. I'm fine."
This is what my life looked like in that season: I was attending college full-time, working two different jobs full-time, leading a life group for my church, attending a separate life group, and dedicating at least one night a week to the church community. (I also did other things like maintain a serious relationship, exercise regularly, receive good grades, visit my family, remain an avid and up-to-date sports fan, read up to 25 books a year, maintain a social life, etc., but the former were more of my responsibilities at that time in life).
Needless to say, I was busy, but I loved every second of it. I'd say I was fine and I meant it. In actuality, I felt great. I thrive on busyness.
Though I kindly denied God's offer, He kept whispering to me about rest. I wanted to listen even if I didn't understand Him, so I quit one of my jobs. I thought rest meant I needed to stop doing as much as I was, so I figured working 20 less hours per week would be super restful. Truth is that it might've been, but really I just filled that time with more of what I was doing before. I assumed that because I wasn't working, I must've been resting.
I wasn't.
Life went on like this for awhile. I'd feel God's pull in my heart to rest, I'd give up some responsibility in an attempt to find said rest, I wouldn't find it, and then I'd inadvertently fill the time I gave up with something else to do. I became frustrated and confused as I continued to feel God's tug and lacked any feeling of rest, yet I was giving up all the things I wanted to do and all the responsibilities I wanted to have.
To me, to rest meant to stop. Since I stopped and didn't find rest, I thought I might as well do what I want (which always meant busying my life once again).
At the beginning of this year when I moved across the country to attend discipleship school, I believed it was the perfect opportunity to find the rest that had been escaping me. I knew it would be a season in which I'd have no job to work, no college to attend, no roles to lead, no relationship to maintain, no social life to upkeep, no sports tv to watch, and no ability to regularly visit my family. I thought I'd have no choice BUT to rest, and that I'd surely find the rest God had wanted for me.
It wasn't long before I began to feel the affects of such a season, but they weren't feelings of rest. No, in fact, they were far from it. Instead, I felt more exhausted than I've ever been. I felt lethargic and depressed as I drowned in a sea of boredom, restlessness, and lack of productivity. I know this seems drastic, but I'm serious when I say there were days I paced throughout my house convinced I would go crazy.
You have to understand: I used to be so busy I nearly had to schedule time to breathe, and I enjoyed it. (Somehow knowing your time is limited pushes you to make every second count). Finding myself in the completely opposite scenario felt suffocating.
Many days I'd cry out to God in desperation, asking Him what I was supposed to do. I hated being so idle, but I felt unable to reach out for any of the things I occupied myself with before.
I'd ask, "God, what am I supposed to do?" His response was always the same.
"Rest."
"Rest? Look at my life ... I thought I was resting." At first I was confused because I had believed if I stopped "doing" all the time I'd find rest. Quickly my confusion became frustration, however, as I realized I had stopped doing all the time and God was still saying I wasn't resting.
"God, I don't understand! What more do you want from me? Do you want me to literally sit there and do nothing? You know I can't do that without going crazy!"
This tension in my life only grew stronger as I continued to think God wanted me to be so still I would start gathering dust. My heart revolted at the thought. I didn't understand any of it- I only knew any time I tried to do what I thought was rest, I walked away exhausted and desperate for my old, busy life. I began to wonder if I was even capable of resting, and why God would ask of me something that seemed to contradict my very nature.
One day my emotions erupted, and I shouted through my confusion, "Why would you make me like this?!"
The question hung heavily in the air and I began to cry as it stared me in the face.
"God, I can't do what you're asking of me. I've tried and I just can't. To be frank, I simply don't want to try anymore. Why would you make me like this if that's what you wanted from me?"
Then, as clearly as ever, He said to me, "Mary, that's not what I want from you."
"Wait, it's not? But God, I thought you wanted me to rest."
"I do."
"But then ...?"
"I'm not trying to change you- I love the way I've made you." I didn't yet understand, but such a response was so sweet I let it play in my head like a song before I asked Him the next question.
"So, how am I supposed to rest, then? What does it look like?"
God then went on to explain that rest doesn't come from having a contentedness to do nothing, but from being content in His presence.
"I don't merely want you to rest," He said. "I want you to rest in Me."
He told me of how rest is all about being with Him. It's coming to the Father, the source of Life, the Good Shepherd, and being with Him and being filled by Him.
I was missing it when I was intentionally trying to be filled by letting things go- what I really needed was to hang on, hang on to the One in whom my rest is found. God spoke to me how I could spend time with Him and delight in His presence, and I'd be filled without even really knowing it was happening because I'd be too preoccupied with the joy of my Lord.
"Ok, so you just want to hangout, huh God? Well, I think I'd like that."
This revelation led into one of the sweetest times with the Lord. I say the sweetest, but maybe I mean the most fun. It was SO fun! He and I talked, we laughed, and we joked around like two friends would. I felt like a child; a care-free, lighthearted child. He spoke into my heart deeply in one moment, and had me giggling out loud with joy in the next.
When this time together was nearly over, I sat down in awe at what I had just experienced.
"Oh my goodness," I thought. "I feel ..."
"Rested? Satisfied? Full of joy?"
"... Yes, actually. I do!"
Though I know my understanding of rest is still so very small, and I'm sure there are many different avenues to cover, God graciously opened my eyes to a piece of what it looks like to find my rest in Him. I experienced how the joy and adoration of the Lord can truly bring restoration and peace to my soul. This, yes this, I believe, is rest: to enjoy God, to love God, to be with Him enjoying and loving Him. It is only in His presence where I will find my rest.
Oh, do you want to know the coolest part? God had been speaking this to me for weeks but I hadn't realized it. The same day this occurred, I finished reading a chapter about prayer-filled living through which He was whispering all of this to me, and it said, "What is the prayer-filled life? It is a life that seeks to enjoy the presence of God and to adore Him. Why should we seek it? Because from it we find the divine rest that overcomes our alienation."
As if my experience earlier that day wasn't enough, the book was further confirmation. Divine rest comes from enjoying Him! Rest isn't about doing nothing, but slowing down enough to simply delight in Him.
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