I remember the first time I traveled a considerable distance
outside my home state of Michigan on my own: I was 21 years old and I flew to
San Diego, California. I was in my senior year of college and I had the travel
bug bad. I've always had a fire in
my heart for traveling, but it was at that time of my life when I couldn't contain it any longer; I simply had
to go somewhere, and California was a dream I’d been waiting to make a reality.
So, on a whim, I bought a ticket to San Diego and just a week later I was en
route to the west coast.
I had an incredible time while I was out there, and I
learned a few cool things, too. Well worth every penny I spent, that trip is
actually one of my favorite weeks to reminisce about- I've gone back in my mind
and my journal many times. Needless to say, it’s not unusual for me to travel
back in time to my first experience in California, but today … well, today has
been a different story.
It’s about two years later and I sit admiring the waves
crashing on the shore, and their soothing melody which never grows old. I’m in
a different time and a different place, yet my mind keeps taking me back to San
Diego. I see myself walking on the beach in Coronado, standing on the cliff
edges of Cabrillo, and running through the beautiful streets of Balboa Park. I
try to fix my eyes on the book or the waves in front of me, but they only serve
as a backdrop to the memories playing in my head. I feel I can’t stay in the
present even if I try.
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| Cabrillo Cliffs, San Diego, 2013. |
I wonder why I keep going back, and why I’m thinking about
it right now. I don’t think I’m feeling nostalgic, nor can I think of anything
that would've triggered it. I don’t really want to think about it, to be honest,
because I want to be here; I want to
be present.
Just then, I feel God speak to my heart, “Remember what I
told you back then,” and James 4:13-15 comes to mind. I realize that it is God
who wants me to remember, so I take myself back to the day in San Diego when
God first spoke that verse to me.
I was sitting outside a coffee shop with my cinnamon latte
and bible, ready to spend an afternoon with God. I scattered all of my things
across the table, and dove in to the Word, my journal, and the book I was
reading at the time. During my entire time there, I kept feeling directed to
James 4:13-15. I didn't really know why, but after I had spent hours doing everything but follow such prodding,
I finally opened up my bible to the short passage.
“Now listen, you who
say, ‘Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry
on business and make money.’ Why, you do not even know what will happen
tomorrow. What is your life? You are but a mist that appears for a little while
and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, ‘If it is the Lord’s will, we
will live and do this or that.’” James 4:13-15
I knew immediately where God was going with this. I was in
such a restless season of my life back then, and I was constantly looking to
and making plans for the future. I remember feeling trapped by the plans other
people were making for my life, and relief was found only when I planned things
even further, as if somehow I’d feel less suffocated that way. I was hardly
living in the present, if at all- I was too preoccupied with my future and how
I could plan around everyone else’s planning.
God spoke those verses to me that day in a coffee shop, and
I knew He was telling me about a different way to live. He told me He didn't want me to be living in the future, nor to be obsessively mapping it out. He
said that doing so wasn't really living at all, and that it was only stealing
life from me. He expressed that He not only wanted me to live in the present,
but to enjoy it- He wanted me to accept whatever and wherever He has brought me
with joy. He wanted me to trust Him with
my future, and He promised He would lead the way.
I could recall the day and all He spoke to me clearly, but I
still didn't understand why He was bringing it up.
“I remember all of that, God, and it was really good. You
spoke some great things to me that day, but why are you bringing it all back up
now?”
“Because you’re doing
it again.”
”Wait, doing what? Living in the future? No way!” I was
stunned. I thought about all the ways I had let go of my planning and my
futuristic thinking this year, and I honestly felt like the last thing I was
doing was repeating such a way of life. “God, you know I trust you with my future now. I know I’m not perfect at it,
but I don’t think I've gotten obsessive with plans and assumptions again. Have
I?”
“I know you trust me,
and no, you haven’t. But you’re still not living in the present. Now you’re
living in the past.”
Once again, I knew exactly where God was going with this. It’s
easy to know when God is hitting on something that is big in my life, because I
know precisely what He is talking about when He brings it up. I suppose I knew
I wasn't living in the present, but until He said it, I wasn't quite aware I
was living in the past, either. God gently reminded me of all the moments throughout the past eight months in which I refused to allow myself to live in
the present, showing me how I missed out on the gift He had for me each time.
 |
| Looking back to the Michigan state line on my way to California, 2014. |
When I moved to California eight months ago, my life
completely changed. Most days it felt like my previous life vanished and I started all over again, which I
guess is what people say happens when you move somewhere new, right? That’s
fine I suppose, unless you actually liked
your life before. I loved my life in Michigan, even though I was indeed excited
for new sights and adventures. When I arrived to California, however, it felt
like a different life, not just a
change of pace, and I was afraid that if I embraced this new life, I’d be
losing the old one.
Because of that, I spent the year clinging to what once was.
It wasn't so much that I hated the present, but that I really loved the past. I thought somehow I’d be replacing my life,
my friends, and my home if I accepted and enjoyed where I was, so I convinced
myself not to. In my mind it was all temporary, and eventually I’d return to
the life, friends, and home I once had.
God showed me a handful of moments this year wherein I
missed out on friendship, joy, and family because of this; my own resistance
was a factor in my perpetual loneliness. He said He understood that I didn't want to replace my home or friends, but assured me none of those things could
ever be replaced, anyway, only added to. He also asserted that I can’t allow fear to
dictate my actions and run my life, regardless of circumstance, and He called
me to live in today.
As God was explaining all of this to me, I understood that I
stole life from myself this year in an attempt to preserve what I once had. I
knew I couldn't go back and change any of it, though, so I asked God what He
wanted me to do with all of this new-found understanding.
“You’re about to do it
again,” He said. “Don’t.”
It took only a moment of thought for me to comprehend what
He was saying. I instantly thought back to the times others asked if I would be
going home to Michigan between school years and I answered, “I’m staying,” with
a distasteful tone. Again, it wasn't so much that I hated the present- I didn't even think I was that upset about staying- but that I had a life back in Michigan, and the longer I was away the less I felt like it was even my life
anymore.
“Don’t you see?” He
said. “You’re still living there in your heart, but what I have for you today
is to be living here, in California. It’s okay to love it, but I've asked you to
leave it.”
Now, I realize that this isn't a rebuke about loving my home
state, my family, or my friends. It’s not God asking me to forget the things of
the past and move on as if my life there had never happened. No, in fact, He’s actually
reassuring me that those things will always be a part of my life and my heart,
and that they cannot and will not be replaced.
I hear quite clearly what God is saying, has said, and may
say to me again: live in the present. Live in today. Take whatever I
have given you for the day with joy. Just as I wanted your trust for the
future, I want your trust in your past and in your present. Trust that you are
right where I want you for today.
I stole a lot from myself these past eight months, and I
probably stole from others, too, because I wasn't willing to wholly be here in
my heart. I missed out on many friendships because I didn't want to open my
heart to people who were only temporary in my life- maybe if I had they wouldn't have been temporary. I missed out on joy because I was too busy thinking, “It’s
nice, but it’s not like home.” I was stuck in comparison and my past always had
the upper hand. Maybe if I had accepted this place for what it was, I would've enjoyed it much more. I missed out on feeling like I belonged, either to this
place or this family, because I insisted I belonged in my life back in
Michigan. Maybe if I had let go sooner, I would've belonged here, too, and I wouldn't have felt so isolated and lonely all year.
Yes, it’s justified for me to miss home. It’s justified for
me to miss my friends and my church. It may even be justified for me to dislike
the salty ocean when compared to freshwater Great Lakes, but nothing justifies
living in the past when God calls us to live in the present. When we try to
live anywhere else but today, we’re not really living, anyway. We’re robbing
life from ourselves in our attempt to preserve it and, if we’re stuck in the
future, in our attempt to plan it.
I’ll always be from Michigan, and it will always be my home,
but maybe years from now I’ll be able to look back on California and know that
it too, for a season, was my home. And maybe I’ll even have another place to
call home after I leave here and another after that. Maybe God will bless me
with the gift of families and homes all across the country, and maybe even the
world! What an amazing gift that would be, yet one I won’t receive if I’m
always living in Michigan in my heart. Living in the past traps us, and living
in the future depresses, stresses, and inhibits us. It is only in the present
where we can live life abundantly.
So be wherever you are. Receive whatever gift God has for
you in this moment, in this place. Don’t look back, and don’t look ahead; look
up, and there you will find life for today.
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