So, I can be a little weird in that I love being convicted.
I'm serious: I thoroughly enjoy it. Maybe it's because I feel trustworthy, like God trusts that I can handle what he is revealing. Maybe it's because I believe when God brings up something it's because He's ready to work with me to heal that something.
Mostly I think it's because many times when I am convicted I have a time of repentance and prayer with God that leads to a deeper time of fellowship with Him. Each time I come out on the other end of conviction, I know God deeper and I feel Him closer. It's pretty awesome.
So conviction and I, we're pretty tight. I obviously don't jump for joy every time I feel conflicted, nor do I repent and pray each time I feel it- I'm an imperfect being, after all, and many times I ignore it- but overall I'd say I'm quite delighted when the Holy Spirit convicts me. I get excited to deal with tough issues in my heart.
Now, the spirit has been nudging me lately about a certain subject in particular, but I've been pretty hesitant. I'm open to change in this area, but I'm also scared out of my mind, so I basically just stand there. I'm stuck taking two steps forward in faith, then two steps backward in fear.
If you do the math, you'll see those steps equate to a solid zero. I suppose I have made some progress, but most days it doesn't feel like all that much.
So today I was talking about this particular area of weakness with another woman, and I made a comment about how God needs to do a lot of breaking in that area of my life. She looked at me and said, "He doesn't need to do breaking, he needs to do restoring." I immediately saw my healing process in an entirely different light, and I was overwhelmed by the beauty of it.
You see, I had always thought God was in the business of breaking people. I didn't think so in a bad way, but I thought breaking was his way of making us right again. I pictured my heart surrounded by layers of walls that I had built. Every brick was made from hurt, and over time the walls became nearly impenetrable.
God in his strength, however, could break down anything, right? So that's what I thought he did: he broke down my walls so he could uncover my heart.
I look at that analogy now and I see there are quite a few flaws. First, it portrays me to have more strength than I do. Realistically speaking, a more appropriate illustration would be one of me pushing people away rather than building walls to keep them out. I didn't have walls, I had fear. I didn't protect myself, I ran from others.
The second problem with the analogy is that I appear to have a whole heart behind the walls that I have built. I don't know about you, but my heart isn't whole. If all I did was build walls to keep people out, wouldn't the whole heart inside of those walls still feel good? Well, it doesn't, so I feel it's safe to say my heart isn't whole.
So I got to thinking about what it would look like for God to restore me rather than to break me, and here is what I see:
Imagine yourself as a helpless child. Someone hurts you, and the darkness steals away a piece of your heart. As you grow, more and more of your heart is stolen away with every hurt you experience. Your heart is fragmented and in the hands of the enemy. Your heart doesn't contain walls; it contains shattered pieces.
God stands up, however, and proclaims that he has not made you to have a broken heart. He desires for your heart to be whole- the heart he originally crafted. He confronts the thief and easily overpowers him, taking back what was originally yours, what was originally his gift to you.
God returns to his wounded, precious daughter, and asks her to open up her heart. He doesn't want to force himself in, but he wants to make her whole again by returning the pieces of her heart she lost years ago. He knows she is afraid, for her heart has little left to give, so he gently knocks on the door and assures her he isn't there to take, but to give.
Fearfully she opens up her heart to her father, and by his magical touch it is restored and renewed, and she is once again whole.
God isn't breaking, he is restoring.
I think this analogy paints a much clearer picture of the loving and protective, gentle, yet strong father that he is. God isn't in the business of breaking, he's in the business of restoring, and he is the only one who can truly make your heart whole.
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