Icing on the Cake

“Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:3-4

Last night as I was falling asleep, various scenes from the past two years of my life ran through my mind. It was as if I was watching a movie before bed and the Lord was walking with me through each clip, showing me what it looked like from His eyes. In every scene I was crying. I knew the moments well, and I could remember the emotions as if they had all happened yesterday.

“Ah, so this is going to be a sports movie,” I thought. “He’s going to remind me of all the times that I wrestled.”

Scene after scene, the Lord showed me the moments in time when I had wrestled with my heart to be a missionary. It seems ironic that I ever had to wrestle with this, but looking back it makes perfect sense. I don’t know why I ever thought the Lord had other plans for me, but for whatever reason I had a sinking feeling that maybe, just maybe, being a missionary wasn’t my calling. What if it wasn’t? Would I still trust God? Would I be happy wherever He had me? Would I still follow Him if His path wasn’t what I wanted?

I struggled with these questions over and over and over. Would I give up what my heart desired for the Lord? There were days I wouldn’t. I didn’t understand why He would ask me to give that up anyway, and I didn’t even want to wrestle. I just said, “No.” Many days, though, it was a fight. I wanted the Lord and I wanted to follow Him, but I didn’t want to stay where I was. I wanted to travel the world and preach the good news! I didn’t want a simple life in a small town.

“If I asked you to stay, would you?”

The Lord went through scene after scene of my yeses to Him. They were all through tears, but He reminded me of all the times I said yes. I watched myself sob through the words, as if in those very moments I was giving up my resolve to travel and be a missionary. “I want to want what you want. I will stay if you ask me to stay.” Time and time again, I laid down my life and proclaimed that, though it hurt, God was worth it and He was enough. It was not easy.  In those moments of surrender I had felt sorrow and pain and loss, yet watching them again I felt excitement. I felt as if I were watching my child take her first steps. I felt proud. I felt love. I felt joy.

I knew this was how my Father had felt for me.

One scene in particular stood out to me and we lingered there for a moment. I suppose you could say it was the final yes in a series of yeses. It was a day near the end of the school year, and I had been praying about what to do after school had ended. I had felt no direction. I didn’t feel peace about going back home to Michigan, and I didn’t feel peace about pursuing missionary opportunities elsewhere. The only option that brought me peace was staying exactly where I was. I didn’t like it, but I knew it was what the Lord was asking of me.

“For how long?” I’d ask.

No response.

“Will this be forever?” I’d whine.

No response.

“But what about …?” I’d wonder.

“Trust Me,” He’d say.

So there I am one day at school and during prayer, I utterly break down. I sobbed. I cried and poured out everything I had in my heart. I confessed to the Lord that I was afraid. I was scared that I would never leave, that I would never receive the desires of my heart. I was sad to think about staying. It hurt. It felt as if a part of my heart as dying. I told the Lord about how deep the pain was, and that I didn’t understand why I had to let something like this go. I mourned my dreams and my desires.

Then, I let them go.

I said yes to the Lord, and this time it was loud. It wasn’t a whisper. I wasn’t trying to get myself to believe He was enough- I believed it, and I proclaimed it. I didn’t want to want what He wanted. I wanted it; whatever it was. I professed to the Lord that more than anything what I wanted was Him. If He asked me to stay, I’d stay. If He asked me to go, I’d go. As long as He was with me, I’d do it. I proclaimed that I trusted Him and that I believed He had good things for me. I said yes again and again and again, and I prayed that if He wanted me to stay for the rest of my life, I’d do it and I’d be content. He would be enough.

Last night as I watched myself let go of all the things I wanted for the sake of the Lord, I felt even more love rush over me. My Father whispered to me how overjoyed He was in my surrender. It wasn’t a selfish joy, either. He wasn’t happy because now He could have me all to Himself and tell me to do whatever He wanted. I don’t know how to explain it, but I felt it. I felt such pure joy and pleasure and delight; I felt excitement about what was coming.

It felt like the relief you feel after you’ve been holding your breath for a really long time. It was as if the Lord had been waiting and waiting for that moment and when it came, He could finally exhale and say, “At last. Oh, how I have longed for this day.”

I saw one last picture- myself driving down to Mexico as a missionary in two weeks- and I was overwhelmed again by joy at the thought of His faithfulness. The very thing I gave up, He has given to me not three months later. How good is God?!

“Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Hm, what the Bible says is true. Go figure!

What a depiction this verse is of my life for the past two years. I stopped, I slowed down, and I took the time to delight myself in the Lord, and He has indeed given me the desires of my heart. The incredible thing is, the more I delighted myself in the Lord, the more He became the desire of my heart. Being a missionary never ceased to be a desire, but it became second to that of being with Him. I still wanted both, certainly, but I became convinced that if I had to pick one, it would be Him. He was my one desire. I was sold.

I believe it was then and only then that I could truly enjoy the fulfillment of being a missionary, and it was my surrender that allowed God to fulfill it. I don’t think this was some sort of formula and God was waiting for the magic words, but I do think it is truth. It’s just true. When we delight ourselves in the Lord, He will give us the desires of our hearts.

I don’t know why it works this way, but it does. Maybe, just maybe, He wants us to first recognize that He is all that can truly satisfy. He is the one thing we can long for that can never be taken from us. When we want the Lord above all else, our desire will never go unfulfilled for He Himself is faithful to fulfill it! Then as we delight ourselves in Him and are satisfied, He will give us the other desires of our hearts that turn out to be just icing on a really delicious cake.

Who doesn't love a really good cake?

Feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself in Him. He is good and trustworthy and able, and He will give you the desires of your heart- starting with Himself.