I Can't Stand in Awe of You

I have never been so consistently speechless in my life.

I’m serious. If I had transcripts of all my prayers this past month, most of them would look something like this:

Mary: God … *sobs*

God, you’re so great! *sobs more*

God … *continues sobbing*

Every once in awhile something fancy will get thrown in there, but it’s mostly just tears. They’re good tears, mind you, but tears nonetheless. I am so overwhelmed by who God is and what He has done that I have no words. I hardly have thoughts. I just have tears. I don’t know how else to respond. I am in such awe of Him that my body knows no other way to respond to His goodness but to cry. I pray, of course, but who knows what words stumble out of my mouth through the sobs.

He does, of course. Thank God.

I promise you that whatever picture you have of God in your head right now, it is not big enough. I promise you that my picture isn’t either. We say He’s big and we say He’s great, but we don’t understand. We can’t understand, because He’s that mighty. Paul says we only see and know in part- I assure you that is a very very very miniscule part.

We don’t understand. His greatness, His goodness, His faithfulness- it is so deep it’s immeasurable. Even if we could measure it, it’d be a number so great we couldn’t even define it. Do you realize how great He is?! I am certain that if I were to stand before even a fraction of Himself, I’d melt like candle wax in front of a fire. If I meditate on Him too long, I feel like I may explode.

He’s that great. We have no idea.

As I sit back and reflect on the last month of my life, I am speechless. How is it possible that the God of the entire universe has so blessed me and loved me and cared for me that I feel I am the only one in the world? It seems as if He only has eyes for me, and I can’t comprehend how He could love everyone this much. I want to write down everything He has done and every mountain He has moved, and yet I’m unable to find enough pages and enough time to write it. I’ve written about three pages per day, and I know I’ve left out so much. How is this even possible?

I feel like I am living out what John expressed in his gospel. “And there are also many other things which Jesus did, which, if they were written one by one, I suppose that not even the whole world itself could contain the books written,” (John 21:25). I always thought he was just exaggerated for dramatic effect, but now I wonder if he felt as I do- as if I could spend my entire day writing of His work in my life and I still wouldn’t be caught up. Plus, He’d probably do more miraculous things as I’m writing so I’d fall even further behind.

It’s incredible.

Our petite brains have no capacity to grasp how great our God truly is. Our momentary lives have not the time to write of all the great things He has done. He is so much greater than what we could possibly imagine (and some of us have really great imaginations).

Earlier this year God gave me a picture. I saw a great big ocean and God’s hand hovering above it. In His hand He had an eye-dropper, and He would take up from the ocean a single drop. He would bring it over to me and drop it into my heart. I was literally blown away. My body was tossed backward and the force of that one drop was so strong that I had to recover from how it had knocked me back. It was so powerful that I was out of breath. As I lay in the sand He said, “You have no idea. You have no concept for the depths of what I have to offer you, but I know this and I am patient. I will give you all of me you can handle at a time- one drop- and I will eagerly await each one.”

The Lord not only wanted me to see the depths of His goodness, but also His patience. I had a revelation that He wants to be known and He wants to give me all of Himself and who He is, but He knows He is so great that I can only handle a drop at a time, and even that one drop is overwhelming to me. So, He showed me, He waits. He blows me away with one drop of the vast ocean of who He is and He waits. Once I’ve stood up again and caught my breath and look out into the ocean once more, He smirks at me and asks, “Are you ready for more?” I smile and He takes another drop, and He blows me away again.

This is the greatness of our God! Think of the most amazing revelation you’ve had of Him. Think of the time you were most amazed and truly believed that God is big. Think of a time He blew you away and left you speechless.

Beloved, that was only one drop.

Oh, our God is so great. He is so good and mighty and big. We have no idea! As if that wasn’t enough to fall to my knees in worship (it totally is!), I am amazed by the truth that it is this God who loves us. It is this grandiose, immeasurable, powerful God who knows us and calls us His own. It is this God who chose us and pursues us and sacrifices Himself for us. It is this God! How is such goodness even possible?

I am reminded of the old hymn I used to sing as a kid that read, “I stand, I stand in awe of you. Holy God to whom all praise is due, I stand in awe of you,” and I think, “There’s no way I could stand.” I can’t. His greatness brings me to my knees every time. I am in awe of Him, that much is true, but it makes my knees buckle. I can’t even begin to explain it. I can’t even begin to understand it.

God is so great.

Oh, how those words feel so empty when trying to describe Him. No words in the English language (or any language, for that matter) could ever come close. I have no words. I have no song I could sing or prayer to pray that could ever do Him justice. I have no words.

I do have tears and intermittent mumbles. Thankfully, He welcomes even those.

Oh God, you are so so good. You are so great I can hardly catch my breath. This was a really good drop.