Faithfulness That Incites Tears

"Beauty of whatever kind, in its supreme development, invariably excites the sensitive soul to tears." Edgar Allan Poe

I remember the first time I cried happy tears. I can distinctly recall standing in my living room as my best friend shared with me the recent victories she'd been experiencing in her life. She was finally finding freedom- freedom I had prayed and hoped over a year for, and I became so overwhelmed with gladness that my knees buckled. I fell to the floor in tears, releasing the emotion I didn't otherwise know how to express.

I remember touching my face with confusion in that moment. "Wait, but I'm happy. I'm so overjoyed I don't know what to do, so why am I crying?" I wondered. Clearly I didn't know people actually cried tears of joy, but that's really all tears are anyway, right? They're emotions so strong no words can express and no heart can bare them; it would only make sense, then, that many of them are joyous.

Since that day, tears have spoken so much to me- tears of my own and those of others. There is something amazing about a moment when someone feels so deeply and so intensely that the only way to express it is with tears.

I mean, that's raw heart, and I love it.

So the other night I was worshipping with my roommates, and all of a sudden I got this picture in my head. It was a flashback of the day I found out I was accepted into Foundations Discipleship Training School in California. I saw myself standing amidst the fallen Autumn leaves, joyfully throwing piles of them into the air as I shouted to the world, "I'm accepted! I'm going to California!" Merely thinking about that moment brought back the feeling of an army of butterflies swarming in my stomach. I reminisced about the explosion of excitement I felt that day, and I started to cry.

"I'm here," I thought. "I still can't believe I'm here."

I began to replay the steps in my head, every one that it took me to get here, and the tears poured out even more. I was (and continue to be) in such awe of God's faithfulness that the only way to express it was to cry out tears of joy.

Really, there's no other explanation for me being here- none other than God's faithfulness, wisdom, and goodness.


Without God's guidance, I don't think I'd be here. Actually, I'm positive I wouldn't be here, because I'm the kind of dreamer who dreams without application. I just desire things, but I don't know how I could realistically reach them. In a sense, I just dream and then hope God guides my steps to a place where my dreams can come true, because I don't know how to answer the "how do I get there" questions. 

I admit thankfully that God's wisdom far surpasses my own, so when I had no idea what my dreams looked like practically, God knew exactly how they could all come together. 

A few years ago, I began dreaming about California. I wasn't sure what I wanted from it, but it became a regular character in my daydreams. My future seemed to be all about California now, and after adventuring through it a couple of times, I knew I wanted to live there someday.

Ok, now some of you might be thinking, "I see where this is going, and what's the big deal? You wanted to live in California and now you do. Does that really merit tears?" I suppose on the surface it may not, but this dream was so much deeper than just that, so stick with me! Having this dream caused so much heartache, confusion, and tears. 

You see, I had this strong desire to move to California, but I had no idea why. I guess that wouldn't have been such a big deal if I hadn't been in a committed relationship with the man I wanted to marry. I wasn't exactly in a position to pick up and leave just because I felt like it. (I guess I technically could have, but it would have cost me). This created opposition to my dream, and I felt as if I had to rationalize it.

I felt like, "because I want to," wasn't a legitimate answer to why I wanted to go. It certainly wasn't enough grounds for me to ask my boyfriend to compromise his dreams for mine. I mean, I had no idea why I wanted to go, so did I really need to go that badly? Needless to say, California didn't seem realistic without a valid reason. 

I spent months in tears, desperately diving into my heart to try and find a reason, any reason, why I wanted to go, but I never could. I myself didn't actually care about finding a reason, but I felt like it wouldn't happen without one and so I kept digging- I cried every time I couldn't find an answer. 

I remember clearly the nights I sobbed and prayed for hours when I couldn't sleep. I felt ridiculous for wanting something so deeply for no apparent reason, yet at the same time my heart broke because I felt like it wouldn't ever come true. Some nights, I would even feel extra ridiculous for being so heart broken about it. 

I would cry out to God as I felt like my heart was being torn constantly, and I didn't know what to do to fix it. I'd pray for Him to take me to California, and with the next breath I'd ask Him to help me forget about it. I tried to tell myself I didn't want this dream, and I tried to convince myself that it didn't matter. I sought what I thought to be every possible solution to keep my heart from aching, yet I could find none. 

Even if my solution had been simply to declare I was going to California because my heart desired it, where would I have gone? I had no plans and no prospects, nor had I any ideas. How could I have given up love for plans and reasons I didn't yet have? I couldn't, and so I continued to feel heartbreakingly lost.

Are you now beginning to see why God's faithfulness has brought me to tears? When you begin to see the pain, you can begin to understand how great the glory is. Oh, if you only knew the whole story, you'd undoubtedly be moved, too. 

You see, God answered my prayers from those sleepless nights, but it wasn't just about California. Even when I was too afraid to ask for them, or when my next breath prayed against what I just prayed for, God knew the desires of my heart and He granted me them. Even when I didn't know how or if they could all work together, God did.

All those nights I prayed for California, but I also prayed for adventure. I prayed for more- more of life and more of the Lord. I prayed for freedom, most specifically from the path of life I felt had been chosen for me. 

God answered all not only with a yes, but with a better yes than I could have ever imagined. 

I'm living in California: check. First request answered. As if the 45 hour road trip out here wasn't enough adventure, I encounter more of it here every day. God gave me an experience that is entirely adventurous, offering me an opportunity to leave everything and everyone I know and move across the country. So, adventure? Check.

Seeing as how I'm at a discipleship school, I'd say it's quite obvious that God has answered my prayer of "more." It's amazing how God is revealing Himself to me, the new ways I'm experiencing Him, and how alive it has made me feel. Sometimes I've felt so full that I thought if I were to receive any more I'd explode! It's that amazing. So, more? Check. 

Lastly, freedom. God didn't give me the freedom I asked for, but instead offered me the option to take it for myself. He showed me the path to take if I wanted both more of Him and freedom like I said I did. Once I took it, my prayer was answered. Though I took it fearfully, afraid I'd lose love, God promised me I'd gain it, and He answered that prayer, too. My heart was broken over a lost relationship, yes, but a better revelation of God's love for me was gained. He promised I'd be loved, and I am.

I write all this to proclaim the faithfulness of God- faithfulness so true it can bring a heart to tears. God answered my prayers, not only with His faithfulness, but with His creativity and wisdom, making my dreams come true in a way I couldn't have imagined. Even when I had no idea how to connect the dots, nor which dots to connect, God was faithful. 

The other night I sat in my room with three other girls and reflected on my journey. I was oblivious to the tune and words of whatever worship song was playing, but I worshipped. Through my tears of joy, I worshipped. 

How amazing is God?! Yes, God is faithful, wise, and good- so much so that it continually brings me to tears. 

The good kind, of course.

I will sing of the LORD's great love forever; with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known through all generations. Psalm 89:1

Even Through What I Hate, God Still Speaks

I am going to start by apologizing to all the “war movie fans” out there for this brief introduction I’m about to give, but here it is: I’m not a fan of war movies.

I don’t much like movies at all, but especially ones about war. It’s partly because I’m a little queasy and all the blood makes me uneasy, but also because it’s much too hard for my heart to watch people die. Some have tried to convince me to watch them by reminding me these things really happened (and continue to), but my eyes simply weren’t built to see that kind of devastation, and so I just don’t.

That is why I was so confused by the picture that has been playing over and over again in my head. I mean, I don’t like war, and so war movies or stories or pictures don’t speak to me. It’s just not in my heart. If God is going to speak to me, it’s going to be through nature or music or a book- it’s usually not through a picture of war that plays on repeat in my mind.

I guess he decided it was time for a change of pace.

So here’s what happened: I kept seeing this woman preparing for war. She was training with a sword, dressing herself in armor, and she stood tall and confident, believing she was ready for battle. She mentally ran through the supposed “playbook” of her opponent, and she hypothesized what tactics he may use against her- she prepared a defense for each of these. Then I saw her on the battlefield, standing across from a large army. As soon as her eyes met her adversaries, somehow I knew she had become disheartened and believed herself to be weak, and that was it.

I ignored this thought the first few times it popped into my head, because I figured I was just imagining some weird clip of a movie I had once seen or something. After I kept imagining it over and over, I got a little annoyed. What the heck does this mean?! Why am I thinking about this?! Finally I thought that maybe God was trying to teach me something, and so I tried to pay more attention. Even that, though, was a little frustrating because I was utterly confused by its purpose!

I don’t remember my exact words when I finally addressed God, but I’m sure they were something along the lines of, “What in the world? God, what on Earth are you trying to say to me and why would you use a war analogy to do it?! You know I don’t get that stuff.” What war was this woman training for, and why did she think she was weak before the battle even started? I had no idea what was going on, nor did I feel like I heard an answer, so I just brushed it off and forgot about it.  

Then, a few days ago, I believe I received my answer. It was a day just like any other, yet I noticed this unsettled and eerie feeling in my heart. I hadn't done anything different, and yet the voice of a sin I thought I’d dealt with long ago resurfaced in my heart. The day was filled with this specific temptation, and I found myself unknowingly giving into it for moments at a time, only to be scolded by myself afterward. “Come on, be stronger than that,” I’d think to myself. “Why is this even coming up again? I must be so weak if this is going to continue to be a problem in my life.”

Stop being so hard on yourself, Mary. You have no control over how your enemy attacks you, but only how you respond to it.

Whoa, good point.

That girl in the war is you. You’ve worked hard to be where you are, and yet all it takes is one look at the enemy’s weapons to convince you that you’re weak! Listen, your opponent’s offense is not a reflection of you. The enemy may choose to attack certain areas, but you don’t have to agree with his assumed weakness in you. Instead, stand up confidently and declare that in Me you are strong, and you will be.

Never have I learned so much from a picture of war. It’s simple, really: I can’t control how I am attacked. I can’t control how I am tempted or how I am verbally berated. I can, however, control my response, and if my response is to stand on the truth of God, I will win. If it is to walk with God and in his ways, I will win.

If my response is God, I will always win. That doesn’t mean I won’t be attacked, nor does it mean there won’t be a war- it means at the end of the day, I will win.

God has won, and we are conquerors through him. If I were ever going to learn anything through a war story, I would've wanted this to be it. Thanks be to God, for He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ (1 Corinthians 15:57).

“There is no wisdom nor understanding nor counsel that can avail against the Lord. The horse is prepared for the day of battle, but victory belongs to the Lord.” –Proverbs 21:30-31

Taking Back What Has Been Taken

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." -Maya Angelou 

Some of you may know that I've been writing this blog for a few years now, and since it isn't my job to do so and life continues to go on around me, I don't have as many opportunities to write as I'd like to. Though I'd enjoy sitting down every day and pouring out my thoughts, I am lucky if I have time and energy to post twice a month. In fact, I tend to write here only when a story is bursting at the seams inside of me and I have no choice but to tell it. 

I say that to say this is one of those precious moments, and I am absolutely giddy to put this on paper. (Well, technically you're seeing it on a screen, but it was on paper first). 

So if you're familiar with the way Jesus spoke to others in the bible, you'll know he would speak often in parables. I typically enjoy this because I love a good analogy, thought sometimes it can create such confusion about what he was trying to say. I used to feel that way about the parable of the talents- confused, that is- until I heard it explained a certain way and I felt like I really understood the purpose of the parable. 

One of the things I love about God, though, is that even when you think you understand something he'll blow your mind and teach you something new each time you read it. 

So I'm sitting there this morning reading the parable of the talents in Matthew 25. The story is about a master who is leaving for some time and grants talents to three of his servants (talents were a form of currency). When he eventually returns, he analyzes what each servant did with the talents they had been given. Two of the servants invested what they had, and with these the master was pleased. The third servant, however, feared the wrath of his master and consequently buried his talent so he wouldn't lose it. With this the master was angered, and he cast out the servant who wasted what he was given. 

It's a great story, I think, about being faithful with the gifts and resources God gives you to use for His glory. As I read this, I pondered who I am in this story. I questioned which servant represents me, and I realized I didn't see myself in the parable at all. Why not? Because I saw myself as a fourth servant who is even worse than the third. 

I saw this picture of myself receiving talents from my master. He leaves for some time and I excitedly make a host of plans regarding the use of my talents. I am thrilled about what he has entrusted to me, and I look forward to using the gifts purposefully. Unfortunately afterward, an enemy who wishes to destroy my plans attacks me. His goal is to keep me from reaching my own, and he steals the talents away from me. And there I was- talentless. 

I see myself as this servant, one whose God-given talents and resources have seemingly been stripped by the enemy. God gave me the gift of writing, and satan deceived me into believing my words didn't matter. "Don't write," he said. "No one will care enough to read it anyway." God gave me a heart of compassion, and satan convinced me I had nothing to offer. "Don't even bother reaching out or trying to help. You have nothing to give." God would give "this," and satan would deceitfully say "that." My talents had been stolen, and I felt powerless to do anything about it. 

Seeing myself as this servant brought me both deep discouragement and hope. Discouragement because I considered myself to be in a worse position than the third servant, yet hope because now that I could clearly see my situation, I would be able to change it. The truth is that in Christ I'm not powerless, and I have the courage and strength to steal my talents back. I may have been that servant at one point, but I am determined to no longer be. This game the enemy has been playing with my mind is over. 

I mean, here's the thing: what if the enemy wants me to believe so badly that my words don't matter because my words will be the avenue through which I give to and change the world? 

I look at it like that and my heart screams, "enough!" I'm not about to sit idly by while satan continues to steal from me. When he steals from me he is ultimately stealing from my Lord, and he must be crazy if he thinks I'm going to keep letting that happen. 

So where do you see yourself in this story? If you feel like your talents have been stolen like mine, courageously step up and steal them back. God has given you great gifts- use them well.

God the Restorer of my Heart

So, I can be a little weird in that I love being convicted.

I'm serious: I thoroughly enjoy it. Maybe it's because I feel trustworthy, like God trusts that I can handle what he is revealing. Maybe it's because I believe when God brings up something it's because He's ready to work with me to heal that something.

Mostly I think it's because many times when I am convicted I have a time of repentance and prayer with God that leads to a deeper time of fellowship with Him. Each time I come out on the other end of conviction, I know God deeper and I feel Him closer. It's pretty awesome.

So conviction and I, we're pretty tight. I obviously don't jump for joy every time I feel conflicted, nor do I repent and pray each time I feel it- I'm an imperfect being, after all, and many times I ignore it- but overall I'd say I'm quite delighted when the Holy Spirit convicts me. I get excited to deal with tough issues in my heart.

Now, the spirit has been nudging me lately about a certain subject in particular, but I've been pretty hesitant. I'm open to change in this area, but I'm also scared out of my mind, so I basically just stand there. I'm stuck taking two steps forward in faith, then two steps backward in fear. 

If you do the math, you'll see those steps equate to a solid zero. I suppose I have made some progress, but most days it doesn't feel like all that much.

So today I was talking about this particular area of weakness with another woman, and I made a comment about how God needs to do a lot of breaking in that area of my life. She looked at me and said, "He doesn't need to do breaking, he needs to do restoring." I immediately saw my healing process in an entirely different light, and I was overwhelmed by the beauty of it. 

You see, I had always thought God was in the business of breaking people. I didn't think so in a bad way, but I thought breaking was his way of making us right again. I pictured my heart surrounded by layers of walls that I had built. Every brick was made from hurt, and over time the walls became nearly impenetrable.

God in his strength, however, could break down anything, right? So that's what I thought he did: he broke down my walls so he could uncover my heart. 

I look at that analogy now and I see there are quite a few flaws. First, it portrays me to have more strength than I do. Realistically speaking, a more appropriate illustration would be one of me pushing people away rather than building walls to keep them out. I didn't have walls, I had fear. I didn't protect myself, I ran from others. 

The second problem with the analogy is that I appear to have a whole heart behind the walls that I have built. I don't know about you, but my heart isn't whole. If all I did was build walls to keep people out, wouldn't the whole heart inside of those walls still feel good? Well, it doesn't, so I feel it's safe to say my heart isn't whole.

So I got to thinking about what it would look like for God to restore me rather than to break me, and here is what I see:

Imagine yourself as a helpless child. Someone hurts you, and the darkness steals away a piece of your heart. As you grow, more and more of your heart is stolen away with every hurt you experience. Your heart is fragmented and in the hands of the enemy. Your heart doesn't contain walls; it contains shattered pieces.

God stands up, however, and proclaims that he has not made you to have a broken heart. He desires for your heart to be whole- the heart he originally crafted. He confronts the thief and easily overpowers him, taking back what was originally yours, what was originally his gift to you. 

God returns to his wounded, precious daughter, and asks her to open up her heart. He doesn't want to force himself in, but he wants to make her whole again by returning the pieces of her heart she lost years ago. He knows she is afraid, for her heart has little left to give, so he gently knocks on the door and assures her he isn't there to take, but to give. 

Fearfully she opens up her heart to her father, and by his magical touch it is restored and renewed, and she is once again whole.

God isn't breaking, he is restoring.

I think this analogy paints a much clearer picture of the loving and protective, gentle, yet strong father that he is. God isn't in the business of breaking, he's in the business of restoring, and he is the only one who can truly make your heart whole.

My (Unfinished) Love Story

Once upon a time there was this guy …

I met him in the fall during my junior year of college, and to this day I believe it was fated. It was a Sunday afternoon at a church picnic, and though our series of interactions that day were awkward and peculiar, our fellowship didn't end as the picnic did. We went for a cup of coffee and spent three hours talking, laughing, and enjoying the company of the other.

Even though I didn't fully know him yet, I remember thinking that this man was amazing. (Spoiler: He is amazing).

It didn’t take long for us to hit it off, and we became great friends. After a few months of pursuance and patience on his end, we officially became a couple. Our relationship held its own difficulties and issues as any relationship does, but it was ultimately wonderful. We seemed to have the perfect blend of similarities and differences that we were able to be compatible, yet interestingly unique.

We had fantastic conversations- spiritually, politically, romantically- and we both have a childlike spirit that gave us a host of laughs and fun memories.  He challenged me in ways, as I challenged him in others. He brought out the best in me, and I brought out the best in him. We were the kind of opposites that we thought were perfectly complementary, and more than anything else we may have been, we were always (and most importantly) best friends.

He and I were in a relationship that appeared to be hand-crafted by God.

As it tends to do, time changed things. I started to feel unsettled and uncertain about our relationship. I’m not sure when it all began, though by the end I couldn’t ignore it. It was one of those things you don’t feel much at first because it’s so small, but then it really hits you one day and you realize you’ve been feeling it for awhile. For a handful of reasons, I felt led by God to end the relationship- so I did.

It was heartbreaking.

I let go of this amazing, godly man I believed for two years I was going to marry, and it broke my heart. At the same time, I had a deep peace about it from the Lord, and I was confident it was the best decision for my heart. I needed this season for myself, and I needed it with God alone. I knew I had to let go of my idols and security blankets if I wanted the Lord to teach, transform, and deeply move me in the ways I needed at this time in my life, and my boyfriend had been one of them.

As much as I have felt peace about my decision months ago, I have also felt deep sorrow. There have been days during which my heart ached so strongly that all I could do was collapse to the floor and sob. I would cry out to God and plead for another way. “God, why does it have to be one or the other? Can’t I have this wonderful season with you and him? Show me what I can do.”

“Oh my daughter, how you don't yet understand.”

Even when I would cry, I knew deep down this was it; this was what I needed. Needless to say, however, I still couldn’t bring myself to fully let him go. I kept holding on to hope that maybe someday we would find ourselves back together. I had an idea of what would need to change- either by time or by the Lord- for a relationship between us to again be an option, and I believed it could happen.

I liked the idea that he and I would again be together, and so I began to imagine it. I daydreamed about how God could orchestrate it and what it might look like. I loved imagining how this season could be a bittersweet part of our love story. Then one morning it occurred to me: that’s not what this season of my life is about.

This next season may be a beautiful part of a love story, but it’s not ours. No, this is a chapter out of me and God’s love story.

That’s what I wanted this season to be originally, anyway. I wanted to pursue God’s heart (while uncovering lost pieces of my own) at discipleship school in California, and that’s exactly what I’ll be doing. I wanted to know God more, and he gave me a beautiful opportunity to seek him. I wanted to fall desperately in love with the Lord, and he has already begun sweeping me off of my feet.

The other day when my heart was aching, I allowed myself to wallow in memories and conversations of the past with my boyfriend. I missed him greatly and I sat reminiscing about how well he loved me, how deeply he cared for me, and how continually and beautifully he pursued me.

God tugged at my heart in that moment. “Do you still not understand? Don’t you know I am pursuing you? Don’t you see the ways I have loved you and how deeply I care for you?”

Oh …

“Yes Lord,” I said aloud. “I hear you.”

You see, God loves me, and God is pursuing me, and we are about to have an amazing season together, but I was missing it because I wasn't willing to fully let go! I couldn't continue idolizing and obsessing about this man and expect my heart to still be fully committed to God.

You can’t hold on to an idol with one hand and expect to reach out to God with both- you don’t have that many hands.

I’m still scared to let go fully because I still want that man in my life. I want to be with him and love him forever, and I’m afraid completely letting go will mean losing him forever instead. Just like I couldn’t ignore the pit in my stomach, though, I can’t ignore this call from the Lord. It’s a call that says my vision needs to change, as this season is not about that man. I must stop focusing my time and attention on the relationship I left, and I should no longer strategize ways we could possibly make it work.

It’s not a call that asks me to stop thinking about him, praying for him, or desiring him, but it is one that asks me to stop fixating on him.

I obviously don’t know yet how our love story ends; I don’t know whether it’ll be when I’m old and gray and we've spent our lives together or if it’ll be in two months when we no longer speak and I've realized we will never get back together. I don’t know what it would look like if we were to get back together, and I don’t know how it could be accomplished if I fully let go. I guess I don’t know anything about the future, really. Go figure.

What I do know is this: the best kind of love and life you can receive is from the Lord, and if He is inviting you into a season of intimacy with him to experience those things, you ought not to let anything stop you from running full speed into his arms.

Oh, and make sure to let go of your idols before you go. God won't let you bring them along.

"When I lay these questions before God I get no answer. But it's a rather special sort of 'No answer.' It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but in waiving the question. Like, 'Peace, child; you do not understand.'" -C.S. Lewis 

I Love God's Personalized Plans

Let me tell you about a funny conversation I had the other day when I went to the bank. Now, when I say it was “funny,” I mean that in a slightly sarcastic way. I walked in to see the teller, and the familiar woman behind the counter smiled and inquired how many more times she would be seeing me before I left for discipleship school in California. We talked for only a moment when she asked me, “So what do you want to be when you grow up?”

I laughed at both the irony of thinking I hadn't yet grown up, and how often an answer to this question is required of me. “I'm not quite sure,” I said jokingly. “If I ever find out, I’ll let you know.”

You know, this question used to bug me a lot. In fact, I've even written a blog post about it before. It irritated me mostly because I didn't have an answer to it, and I felt like God was withholding my “calling” or his plans from me. Friends within my Christian circles, to no fault of their own, were quick to pull out the perpetually quoted Jeremiah 29:11 verse and add insult to injury.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.”

“Don’t worry,” they’d say. “God has a plan for your life.”

I didn't see it, but that’s all water under the bridge now as I've moved past the fact that God clearly isn't going to offer me a detailed map of my future. His plans, whatever they may be, weren't made apparent when I was a kid. I couldn't spend my young adulthood planning for the future career I felt called to like everyone else. It was frustrating, but I wrote about it and got over it.

Now, however, I have a few more words for those who incessantly feel the need to bombard me with questions about my future.

No offense if you’re one of them.

You ready for this? Here it comes.

Don’t ask me what I want to be when I grow up as if I’m not already something. I’m already grown up, and I’m already what I want to be- myself.

I’m a person who loves my job as a waitress because I enjoy people. I’m one whose stomach turns at the thought of punching in at nine to sit in a cubicle all day and punch out at five.  I’m a person who loves to travel and the constant change and adventure it brings. I'm one who loves Jesus, and doesn't quite know yet how, with my passions, I can "work for Him."

Ultimately, I’m just me, and that’s what I want to be when I grow up.

I may not be able to fit all of that into a fancy career title, but a title wouldn't make me happy anyway. I don’t get paid the big bucks for being me, nor can I get a degree for specializing in being Mary Bocks that will guarantee me a good job, but that’s not really on the top of my priority list.

That would be pretty cool though, huh?

I think some of us can feel cheated because the future of others seems to come so easily. We look at those who knew exactly what career path they wanted to pursue before they could even spell it, and we feel swindled, ripped-off, gypped. Maybe you don’t, but I do- I did, anyway.  Why couldn't it come so easily to me, too? Why couldn't I have been happy being the architect or journalist or screenwriter I wanted to be in middle school?

You want to know why? Because that’s simply not me, and that’s ok.

The truth is, I haven’t been cheated out of a future. God didn't decide to plan everyone else’s future but mine so I could just wander for the rest of my life.  No, as I learn more about how God plans and what that actually means for my life, I realize that God has given me freedom by planning around my personality.

What do I mean? I mean that I’m fickle. I am an erratic human being who thrives on change. So what did God do with that? He gave me options.

Maybe God didn't plan for my future to be constrained by a single career choice because he knows I wouldn't do well that way. Maybe he knew I’d feel trapped. Maybe, as Jeremiah 29:11 says, he has plans to prosper me and give me a future, but maybe that doesn't mean he has planned out my every move. Maybe that means he has provided options that will allow me to grow, glorify him, and enjoy living, but he has given me the freedom to choose my own.

Maybe my future doesn't consist of a single moment wherein I finally discover “what I’m going to be.” Maybe instead it’s a continuous process of just being myself as I follow God's guidance, whatever that might mean for that moment.

Four years ago, that was being a studying public relations. Today, that’s being a woman chasing after the Lord at discipleship school. Maybe someday it’ll be a missionary, or maybe it’ll be writer. Maybe it’ll even be an architect (though that option is highly improbable). Wherever God leads me in the future, I know two things for certain:

Wherever He takes me, it'll be what my heart has been desiring and prepared for in that season, and that chances are high my "destinations" will constantly be somewhere different because God knows there is a restlessness for change inside of me. Like I said, I’m a bit fickle, but maybe even that will change.  

Seeing Women For What They Are

“It's not being a woman I mind so much," she said slowly. "It’s the way men seem to always order my life." She leaned earnestly toward him. "Your hand, Papa, has wielded a sword and cradled a child and held power over hundreds of men." She held up her own hand. "This one has far fewer adventures before it." - Barbara Samuel, A Bed of Spices 

For as long as I can remember, I've struggled with lies about what it meant to be a woman. I've wrestled with distorted views of what makes a woman beautiful, why women were created, what a woman’s purpose is, what positions a woman should hold, what makes a woman valuable, and the list goes on.

This struggle created resentment in me towards women- myself included. There were specific women I liked, but I disliked the gender as a whole. (I’m not sure how I ever rationalized that in my head, but it happened. I tried to tell myself I liked them as people, but not as women). “Femininity” was a word that disgusted me, and if someone told me I acted “like a lady,” I wanted to cry.

Though many lies about being a woman continue to plague me, there has been one in particular that has overwhelmed me recently; merely thinking about it made me cringe. It centered around this passage:

“The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds in the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them … but for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.” Genesis 2:19-22

Beautiful, right? Well, I certainly never thought so. Truth be told, reading this passage used to leave me feeling discouraged, invaluable, and lowly. While God was saying he created woman as a beautiful partner for man- for companionship, support, and complementing- I was hearing something else entirely. I heard this:

Woman was made strictly for man: fulfilling the desires of a man is her purpose.

Yes, this horrid belief created some serious problems. Not only did I think if I wasn't fulfilling a man that I wasn't doing my job, but I felt that I could bring nothing else to the world. I was convinced that my purpose as a woman was to marry a man, be the perfect wife, bear his children, and so on and so forth. This also led me to believe that my value was in men: if they desired me, needed me, or enjoyed me, then I was valuable and I was fulfilling my purpose. Otherwise I was failing, and I wasn't being a good woman. I mean, if men didn't desire me and I was made to fulfill a man’s desires, what good was I to anybody?

That was my thought process, anyway. You could say I had some twisted views of who I was as a woman. (Even if you don't, I just did).

Recently, though, my perceptions have been changing. There is still so much healing to be done, but I am learning an entirely different truth about women. I’m beginning to understand that women were a gift of companionship to men in the beginning of times, but that in no way defines a woman’s purpose.

The thing is, women weren't created for men, nor were men created for women; we were all created for the Lord.

“For in Him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through Him and for Him.” Colossians 1:16

“You are worthy, O Lord our God, to receive glory and honor and power. For you created all things, and they exist because you created what you pleased.” Revelation 4:11

“Everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made … the people I formed for myself that they may proclaim my praise.” Isaiah 43:7,21

I read this and can see that I was not made for man, but I was made for God. He created me so that I may delight in Him and He may delight in me. I, as a woman, am a gift given to man so that he isn't alone, but this is not the sole reason for my existence.

The purpose of both a woman and man are the same, and they both reside in the Lord.

I see this truth even clearer as I think about heaven- a place of perfect joy, righteousness and glory. The word tells us that there will be no marriage in heaven (For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven, Matthew 22:30) and this brings me such promise. Why? Because my purpose couldn't possibly be solely for the pleasure of a man, otherwise it would only make sense for marriage to exist in heaven. Since it doesn't, it affirms in me that I was not made for man.

I was, but I wasn't. Not wholly, anyway. So here is what I’m trying to say:

As a woman, my presence and my companionship are gifts given to man, but my purpose and value is in the Lord.

I can’t express the joy this brings me, and the joy I hope it brings you too (if you’re a lady), realizing the intricate importance and worth we have as a woman. It’s a worth that isn't defined by any man, and a purpose that doesn't need a man to be fulfilled, for it is all fully in the Lord.