God Isn't Always "Nice"

“Now while the children of Israel were in the wilderness, they found a man gathering sticks on the Sabbath day. And those who found him gathering sticks brought him to Moses and Aaron and to the whole assembly … and Jehovah said to Moses, ‘The man shall surely be put to death; the whole assembly shall stone him with stones outside the camp.’ So the whole assembly brought him outside the camp and stoned him to death with stones, just as Jehovah had commanded Moses.” Numbers 15:32-33, 35-36.

If someone were to ask you to name a few of God’s characteristics, I would wager that “loving, kind, and compassionate” would be near the top of any list. “Patient” would be another, and probably “gracious” as well. Powerful, merciful, gentle- these are traits we feel good about, right? They’re those that give us some type of “nice, warm, fuzzy feeling” about God.

But what happens when we continue listing his traits and come to “vengeful, jealous, and wrathful?” What do we say when we read stories like the one above, or verses like Nahum 1:2? “Jehovah is a jealous God and One who avenges; Jehovah avenges and is full of wrath; Jehovah takes vengeance on His adversaries, and reserves wrath for His enemies.” If I may, I’d say this is when we begin to ignore or simply “forget” about that side of God. People don’t like these characteristics as much, and so they are pushed aside, never really talked about, and sometimes even denied by the notion that God is “nice,” and a nice God couldn't be full of wrath.

I’m no expert, but I've never seen a verse in the bible that describes God as nice.

I've been consumed by reading much of the Old Testament these past few months, and I have been engrossed by the tingle of contradiction my heart feels when I see God’s wrath displayed and wonder, “How is this loving?” This is our dilemma, isn't it? We know that God is love, and so when we read or see Him do something that seems unloving, we are confused by His actions and character and struggle to understand how two such things- wrath and love- can coexist. Many times I believe this causes us to write off the more undesirable aspect of God’s character as if it weren't a part of Him, and just run back to the truth that God is love.

In no way do I think it is bad to cling to such truth, but I do think such a mindset has disabled us from understanding the entirety of who God is. While we’ll never be able to fully comprehend His greatness on this side of heaven, we’re not helping ourselves any by ignoring a portion of His character. God is the epitome of love, but I think we misunderstand what this means. Part of the problem is that we are convinced loving someone means making them feel good all the time, which right away keeps us from understanding what God does.  

I have come across countless stories in the Old Testament where I've seen God’s judgment and jealousy, and there indeed were a few that have triggered my questioning and confusion. I wondered why, at times, He seemed so quick to anger if He is patient. I contemplated why, for something I thought insignificant, He seemed graceless if He is gracious. I had a host of conundrums regarding God’s character as I read, but one day God told me I was missing the whole point.

The truth is: I’m not going to understand God- not fully, anyway. I’m just not. God is way too great for my mind to fathom, and His ways are not always going to make perfect sense to me. If I become obsessed with my questioning, I miss out on the opportunity to know Him more.

Reading the bible isn't about enabling yourself to predict every move God is going to make or to wholly comprehend everything God does. In fact, the more I read the less I feel capable of doing so (God is a very complex being). I began picking up the Old Testament not for such wisdom, but so that I could get to know God better and see more of His character revealed to me- it’s not about answering all the questions.

So yes, sometimes they can stir in me more questions than answers, but I love delving into stories about God’s wrath and judgment. It’s not because I’m sadistic and enjoy watching people perish (because I’m certainly not and I certainly don’t) but because I enjoy seeing more of God, and when I read the bible that’s exactly what I see.

The thing about God’s wrath is that it paints a clear picture about what God hates, and how deeply He hates it. I don’t think these stories were meant to scare me or fearfully preoccupy my mind, but rather to humble me, instruct me, and display to me that God isn't indifferent. He cares, and He cares a lot. They were meant to illustrate that God doesn't just dislike sin- He hates it- and we should treat the sin in our own lives with the same type of disdain. That’s not to say we should be stoning people (please don’t do that) but to look at our own sin and be just as hateful and intolerant toward it.

When I think about the man who was killed for picking up sticks on the Sabbath, I don’t see an irrational or impatient God; I see a God who hates pride and disobedience. I mean, really think about it: the man was picking up sticks. How important could that have possibly been? Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't, but either way I’m sure the man was aware of the law of the Sabbath, and yet he purposefully disobeyed it. The way I see it, he must have been too disobedient to listen to what God said, or too prideful to care what God said. Either way, God didn't appreciate it.

More than any matter-of-fact verse could've shown, this simple story revealed to me how deeply God hates pride and disobedience, and how seriously God means what He says. When He told them not to do any work on the Sabbath, He wasn't kidding (as you can see). This could be intimidating I suppose, sure, but I think it’s totally awesome. 

Maybe it’s because I grew up thinking God was a pacifistic being who didn't care, and I love seeing His passion. Maybe it’s because it incites within me a strong intolerance and hatred for my own pride and disobedience- it teaches me to hate what God hates. Maybe it’s because I recognize how miserably deep in sin I live, and yet I know how God pursues me and loves me. When I read these stories and see how much He hates sin, it says a lot about how much He loves me.

Whichever it may be, ultimately I see more of God when I read through these stories, and I want to know Him. At the end of the day, I want to know all of God, not just the “nice, warm, fuzzy” parts of Him.

The great thing to remember, too, is this: God's wrath doesn't make Him any less loving, nor does His love make Him any less wrathful.We may not understand how seemingly contradictory traits can coexist and work together, but that doesn't make God any less of either. He is who He is, period. 

Lessons from Leviticus: Not Your Everyday Sermon Source

Sometimes I have a lot I could say, which means oftentimes there is a lot that I want to say, but then I suppose not all of it needs to be said. I am confused by this occasionally because in my head I'm convinced every word is important (I think I enjoy detailed details), but I'm learning, at times, to express myself much more concisely.

This entry was intended to be one of those times, and somehow it just didn't turn out that way ... funny how that happens.

So I've been reading through Leviticus lately and just recently finished the strange book. I say "strange" because I suppose most people think it is such, and there is a lot of strange in it, but I thought there was so much more, too! I won't pretend like there aren't some odd verses or things I don't understand in Leviticus, because there certainly are, but as I read through it those things didn't seem to stick out to me as much. Instead, as I read I felt that God's mercy, compassion, and greatness were emphasized to me. 

To my surprise, I learned much about God and life reading this book. The lessons are so good, too, and I've wanted to write about many of them for weeks. There are a handful that could be an entry of their own, but (like I said) I'm trying to be concise, so in one entry I want to share a few hidden treasures that amazed me in Leviticus. I hope they amaze you, too- this book is actually really cool!



First things first about Leviticus: it is a book full of instructions and demands. I mean, it's called the book of law quite appropriately. I like to color code the underlining in my bible, so whenever I want to underline something that is a command, I use the color red- Leviticus is full of red. This book is twenty-seven long chapters of commands about sacrifices and offerings, illnesses, feasts, and holy living. 

So here is Leviticus lesson 1: Grace is amazing. Be awed by the freedom it brings. 

I know you must be wondering why I think all the red in my bible is cool. It's simple, really: grace. It's grace! We are no longer oppressed by these rules, which makes reading the rules great. I barely made it through the first chapter without interrupting myself to thank God for His saving grace. Though it is only a fraction of its power (for grace does much more than just relieve me from sacrifices), whenever you see a piece of the picture it has saved you from, praise and thanks seems to be an immediate, natural response. Thanks, Leviticus. 

Leviticus lesson 2: God is patient and compassionate, and His everlasting love can be seen in even His most mundane actions. 

In chapter 13 and 14, God details the process of how to deal with leprosy. These seemingly odd chapters are probably what a lot of people think about when they think of Leviticus. Leprosy and sacrifices. What many people don't know, however, is that these two chapters beautifully illustrate the patience and compassion of God. 

When I first started reading these I thought it was all just ridiculous and pointless, but I don't think God does anything without purpose, and if He did it probably wouldn't be important enough to put in the bible. So I read it over again asking the question, "Why? What is the purpose?" I'm sure some bible scholar could answer the "why" with some super symbolic metaphor, but I'm not a bible scholar, and sometimes I just like to be practical. 

So here's what I think: I think those people probably had very little medical knowledge. I think they didn't know the difference between leprosy and a scab, nor what to do about either- they certainly couldn't google their symptoms. I think Leviticus 13 and 14 are simple, specific words from God meant to educate His uneducated children. God has compassion for His people and wants to prosper and care for them, so He instructs them how to treat these ailments. 

I like to imagine how monotonous and boring it is to read all of this, and how much more so must it have been for God, who is all-knowledgable in every way, to explain it. Yet He still took the time to do it!

God, who knows everything about all there is to know, explains the mysteries of scabs and baldness to His children, noting that neither of these are leprosy. (Apparently they did not know the difference). God is full of patience and compassion toward us, even in the mundane. 

Leviticus lesson 3: God calls us to a different way of living apart from the culture of our world. His kingdom is greater. 

One of the verses that stuck out to me in this book is Leviticus 18:3, which is in regards to holy living. It states, "You shall not do as they do in the land of Egypt, in which you dwelt; and you shall not do as they do in the land of Canaan, where I am bringing you, nor shall you walk in their statutes." This verse is followed by chapters on how God's people should live to be holy.

As soon as I read it I thought, "God is so outside of culture." It's true! I love that God's kingdom is not swayed by popular culture, and He calls us to be the same. This reminds me of Romans 12:2 that tells us not to be conformed to the pattern of this world. Just as God is outside of culture, so should we be as His followers.

Oh, and the chapters on holy living are totally awesome, by the way. It's another round of the "amazed by grace" trip I wrote about earlier. Check them out and let yourself be amazed, because God and His grace are so good. 

Leviticus lesson 4: God plans to provide, but if we are His tools, our disobedience can throw a wrench in His plans. 

So here we are, 18 chapters of commandments later, and God is still rolling out the instructions. He's speaking to Moses about how the people can walk in holiness and then he dishes out this verse:

"When you reap the harvest of your land, you shall not wholly reap the corners of your field, nor shall you gather the gleanings of your harvest. And you shall not strip your vineyard bare, neither shall you gather the fallen grapes of your vineyard. You shall leave them for the poor and for the sojourner." Leviticus 19:9-10. 

I love this picture of how God provides! He is commanding His people to reap their harvest in such a way that there is always extra provision for the poor and sojourner. I mean, that's just so cool! The obvious variable in this plan, however, is the farmer. If those who lived off their land were selfish and disobedient, they could opt to reap every bit of it and leave none for the poor. Could you imagine them doubting God, wondering why they're going hungry and He hasn't provided, when in actuality He desired to set a satisfying table before them?

Think about it: our obedience has the power to put God's plan into motion, and our disobedience the power to disturb it. 

I am thankful to know God is always bigger than any of our disobedience, and He can always make a way for those in His care, but it is obvious that plan A would be better than plan B,C, or D. Disobedience doesn't only affect you- strive for obedience so God's plans can flourish. 

Last, but certainly not least, Leviticus lesson 5: God's chastisement is not without mercy. His desire is not to harm, but to correct.

So at the end of the book God lays out what will happen if the people follow His commands, and what will happen if they rebel against them. He starts with the blessings, and basically if they obey they are set for life. Their crops will prosper, they will have peace in the land, and no enemy will overcome them. 

But then He switches focus onto what will happen if they are unfaithful to Him, and it ... is ... crazy. I can't be certain, but my jaw may have dropped the first time I read through it. Just as the blessings were great, so were the consequences. Im convinced, though, that first impressions aren't always accurate, and so I read it over again- this was when I saw God's mercy.

I noticed there are three different levels of chastisement in this chapter, each one greater than the last. What's amazing is that these levels aren't just God's wrath and rampage reaction when His children walk away from Him, but they are the corrective ways of God who, in His mercy, hopes they will cause His people to turn back to Him. 

"And if after these things you will not listen to me ... And if by these things you will not be corrected by me ... And if in spite of this you will not listen to me, but walk contrary to me, then I will walk contrary to you." Leviticus 26:18, 23, 27. 

Each time God punishes, He waits in hope that it'll cause them to walk again obedience and blessing. 

It's like this: God metaphorically spanks His children once, hoping it'll be enough for them to realize their wrongdoing and stop taking the metaphorical cookie out of the cookie jar. It doesn't. So he spanks them again, but this time twice as hard, once again hoping they'll forget the cookies. They don't. So he spanks them for a third time, this time even harder than the last, hoping it'll be the last straw. It's not. At this point it is evident they want the cookies, and so God stops spanking and turns His face away. 

God's spankings weren't full of wrath but of compassion, hope, and mercy. Even when they sinned, His desire was still for His people. 

My favorite (and the best) part of this passage is verse 40-42. It says,

"But if they confess their iniquity and the iniquity of their fathers, in their unfaithfulness which they committed against me ... if then their uncircumcised heart is humbled, and then they accept the punishment of their iniquity; then I will remember my covenant with Jacob, and I will remember also my covenant with Isaac and Abraham, and I will remember the land." 

So after all that they have done- rejected and abhorred God, hating His ways even after discipline- God is ready, willing, and quick to forgive. All He asks is a humble heart that admits its unfaithfulness, and God is ready to bless and prosper His people as incredibly as before. 

What great grace, mercy, patience, and compassion this is! Even though I know factually God is forgiving and gracious, it amazes me to read it and see it in action. I also think it's a great thought to think of God mercifully calling us back to Himself in situations that get worse and worse, rather than just seeing the circumstances. 

So what is the overall Leviticus lesson? God is awesome, and His greatness is craftily hidden in even the "strangest" books of the bible. 

I like it. There's something fun about finding the glory of God for myself in a passage I haven't heard quoted my whole life. You know? 

As you can see (if you've made it to the bottom of this), being concise for me is still a work in progress- a very slow progress. Is it possible for one to be incapable of conciseness?! That'd be a cool excuse, if it were. Well, maybe I'll try again some other time ... maybe.

"Yet in spite of all this, even when they are in the land of their enemies, I will not reject them, nor will I abhor them so as to destroy them utterly and to reveal My covenant with them; for I am the Lord their God." Leviticus 26:44

A Gardener's Nightmare

I am by no means a professional gardener- it’d be a stretch to say I’m even an amateur one- but let me tell you what I've learned as I have started gardening. Since I’ve recently moved to California, my household chore has been to work in the yard and help keep up the garden, so I’ve spent some time in the past few months learning many things about yard work. Seeing as how I came in knowing hardly anything about how to tend a garden, my work has consisted mostly of pulling up weeds- its super exciting stuff.

As you may know, however, nature speaks to me quite often, so it’s only natural that I write a detailed analogy about it.

So we have this area in our backyard that wants to be a nice patio, but it struggles just a little bit. When I say this I mean that the square bricks laid down as tile are on a plot of uneven dirt, and so they are all kinds of crooked and slanted. Since they aren’t cohesively placed, there are plenty of crevices for weeds to pop up in multitudes. And let me tell you, they do. There are weeds all over the place, between every sliver of space they can find. This area needs constant care to keep from getting out of control, all because of it's shaky foundation.

Today after school I prepped myself for some time out in the yard (as I do every Tuesday), and before I walked out the door I pondered what work I could do today. I was hopefully thinking that maybe there’d be something different available for me, something apart from the usual weed-pulling monotony. I took my first step outside and as I saw the patio covered in obnoxiously tall weeds, I knew immediately how I’d be spending that afternoon.

Forget any kind of new project: today was going to be all about basic maintenance and weed control.

I knelt down and began my duties of pulling the weeds surrounding our patio, and I was astonished at how tall these plants had already grown. I felt like I had just pulled them a few days ago, and they had already begun taking over our backyard once again. “This is the life of a gardener I suppose. Mostly tending and maintaining.” I’m not sure what I thought gardening was, but I didn't think it was tedious like this.

So I’m sitting there pulling out weeds, some with ease and others with difficulty, and I think to myself, “I feel like this is what the garden of my heart is like. It may be full of all kinds of weeds, but if maintained it has the potential to be really cool.”  Hear me out on this, because I learned more about how to take care of my heart by taking care of my yard.

As I said, there were some weeds that I pulled out pretty easily. These were those that had hardly yet grown, and the roots were frail and thin. They came up with only a small tug, and I compared these to sin in my life that I have stumbled into once or twice. It was still a weed as awful as any other that needed to be pulled, but it didn't resist much because it didn't have the time needed to grow deeply.

Though it didn't take much to deal with these weeds, I felt that can be tricky because of their size, and many people will look over them because they are seemingly small. In some way, certain sins become somewhat excusable or easier to overlook because they are deemed lesser, but any weed is a weed, and these little ones must be pulled out just as any other. Regardless of its size, it will undoubtedly cause trouble in a yard if left untouched for too long. 

In other words: even the small weeds should be plucked. Don’t allow yourself to skip over any because you think they are seemingly harmless. They’re not.

There were also weeds that were more of a struggle to deal with. These were those with thick roots, ones that had time to grow deeper into the soil. They had clearly been nourished because they weren't yet dead, and they required a firmer grasp and a stronger tug to pull. These weeds were the deceptive ones of the bunch, because they merely grew stronger rather than taller. At first glance they didn't seem to be a dangerous plant because they didn't appear much taller than many others, but the roots were always growing under the surface to make them deeper and harder to pull.

I believe these represented the sins that I had given room to in my life because I didn't think they’d grow into much of anything- ones I permitted for a short while because I either didn't know how to pull them or I didn't see them actively growing in my life. 

These weeds weren't impossible to yank out from the ground, but they certainly took more time and precision. I couldn't pull a handful of them at once, and I had to ensure my fingers were grasping tight so I could get the entire root. These weeds also held a touch of frustration, as pulling them continually turned out to be a more difficult task than it appeared. Though they took more work than the small, dainty weeds, they weren't yet the worst I would find.

There was a third section of weeds in our backyard, and this portion looked like it hadn't been touched in over a month. This was frustrating because I knew I had pulled them out recently, yet they grew so rapidly it was as if I had never even spent time on them. These weeds took a lot of work- they were so tall that I had to cut them down before I could even get to pulling out the root. I wasn't even sure I could classify them as weeds anymore, but I knew they needed to be extracted and so I kept on tugging at the troublesome plants.

I compared these immediately to the strongholds that existed in my life. This was not only because of their size and strength, but because of their insistence in coming back. I sat pulling these weeds, remembering distinctly yanking out the exact ones not long ago, yet here they were again. To me, these were the disorders, addictions, insecurities, and fears of life. They seemed to dominate and overshadow, and they could not be removed without a fight. As I sat there trying to tear out these weeds, I realized that many of them needed tools more powerful than my own hands to be plucked out. Many times I could pull with both hands and still the roots would remain firm.

The level of difficulty and my level of failure in pulling these weeds was discouraging to me, but I found hope in the certain areas of the yard where I could tell they had once grown but ceased to do so because they had been pulled out just right. They had been tugged at the heart of the root and therefore no longer plagued the yard. It took many attempts and much effort to remove these weeds, but it wasn't impossible to do so. 

I've been learning through my weed-pulling experiences in general that a yard takes a lot of work to maintain. I mean, even a small one takes hours upon hours to keep. It’s crazy! As I looked at my backyard today I thought, “It is the same here as for my own heart. It needs constant maintenance and tender care, sometimes even to a seemingly absurd amount.” I not only realized this, but also recognized how quickly weeds can pop up and grow deeply.  No wonder my heart needs nonstop attention- it only takes a moment to become filled with weeds! It’s not as if I can neglect my heart for a week and expect it to be in good condition; it needs perpetual attention.

I think the best part about pulling weeds today, though, was doing it alone. I felt as if I hardly got anything done and that the quality was worse because I became disheartened quickly. I know that sounds like the worst part, but actually it all drove me to be that much more grateful in knowing that I am not alone in caring for my heart. I thank God that He is the true gardener of my heart, and His desire is to leave no weed untouched.

I have confidence that my God will complete the project He has begun in me, and He will unconditionally love me through it. It’s so encouraging to know He won’t leave His garden surrounded by weeds, because God finishes what He starts. Even more so, as He and I work together on excavating my heart, He is gentle in the process, patient with the weeds He has already removed, and strong in ability to pull even the toughest of weeds. I feel it's safe to say that I am now well-versed in the horrors of weeds, and because of it I am super grateful for my Father, an expert gardener who will clean, maintain, and beautify His garden continually until the day of Christ.

God is working in the garden of my heart, and as I reflect on the annoyance of insistent weeds, I find myself deeply grateful for His perseverance and might. Not only this, but I feel a strong desire to aid Him in the refusal to allow weeds to prosper. I begin to hate the weeds that take over the beautiful garden God intended to create, and I long to see the final product of His hands.

Because you know what? It's going to be beautiful.

“Be confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” –Phillippians 1:6

Faithfulness That Incites Tears

"Beauty of whatever kind, in its supreme development, invariably excites the sensitive soul to tears." Edgar Allan Poe

I remember the first time I cried happy tears. I can distinctly recall standing in my living room as my best friend shared with me the recent victories she'd been experiencing in her life. She was finally finding freedom- freedom I had prayed and hoped over a year for, and I became so overwhelmed with gladness that my knees buckled. I fell to the floor in tears, releasing the emotion I didn't otherwise know how to express.

I remember touching my face with confusion in that moment. "Wait, but I'm happy. I'm so overjoyed I don't know what to do, so why am I crying?" I wondered. Clearly I didn't know people actually cried tears of joy, but that's really all tears are anyway, right? They're emotions so strong no words can express and no heart can bare them; it would only make sense, then, that many of them are joyous.

Since that day, tears have spoken so much to me- tears of my own and those of others. There is something amazing about a moment when someone feels so deeply and so intensely that the only way to express it is with tears.

I mean, that's raw heart, and I love it.

So the other night I was worshipping with my roommates, and all of a sudden I got this picture in my head. It was a flashback of the day I found out I was accepted into Foundations Discipleship Training School in California. I saw myself standing amidst the fallen Autumn leaves, joyfully throwing piles of them into the air as I shouted to the world, "I'm accepted! I'm going to California!" Merely thinking about that moment brought back the feeling of an army of butterflies swarming in my stomach. I reminisced about the explosion of excitement I felt that day, and I started to cry.

"I'm here," I thought. "I still can't believe I'm here."

I began to replay the steps in my head, every one that it took me to get here, and the tears poured out even more. I was (and continue to be) in such awe of God's faithfulness that the only way to express it was to cry out tears of joy.

Really, there's no other explanation for me being here- none other than God's faithfulness, wisdom, and goodness.


Without God's guidance, I don't think I'd be here. Actually, I'm positive I wouldn't be here, because I'm the kind of dreamer who dreams without application. I just desire things, but I don't know how I could realistically reach them. In a sense, I just dream and then hope God guides my steps to a place where my dreams can come true, because I don't know how to answer the "how do I get there" questions. 

I admit thankfully that God's wisdom far surpasses my own, so when I had no idea what my dreams looked like practically, God knew exactly how they could all come together. 

A few years ago, I began dreaming about California. I wasn't sure what I wanted from it, but it became a regular character in my daydreams. My future seemed to be all about California now, and after adventuring through it a couple of times, I knew I wanted to live there someday.

Ok, now some of you might be thinking, "I see where this is going, and what's the big deal? You wanted to live in California and now you do. Does that really merit tears?" I suppose on the surface it may not, but this dream was so much deeper than just that, so stick with me! Having this dream caused so much heartache, confusion, and tears. 

You see, I had this strong desire to move to California, but I had no idea why. I guess that wouldn't have been such a big deal if I hadn't been in a committed relationship with the man I wanted to marry. I wasn't exactly in a position to pick up and leave just because I felt like it. (I guess I technically could have, but it would have cost me). This created opposition to my dream, and I felt as if I had to rationalize it.

I felt like, "because I want to," wasn't a legitimate answer to why I wanted to go. It certainly wasn't enough grounds for me to ask my boyfriend to compromise his dreams for mine. I mean, I had no idea why I wanted to go, so did I really need to go that badly? Needless to say, California didn't seem realistic without a valid reason. 

I spent months in tears, desperately diving into my heart to try and find a reason, any reason, why I wanted to go, but I never could. I myself didn't actually care about finding a reason, but I felt like it wouldn't happen without one and so I kept digging- I cried every time I couldn't find an answer. 

I remember clearly the nights I sobbed and prayed for hours when I couldn't sleep. I felt ridiculous for wanting something so deeply for no apparent reason, yet at the same time my heart broke because I felt like it wouldn't ever come true. Some nights, I would even feel extra ridiculous for being so heart broken about it. 

I would cry out to God as I felt like my heart was being torn constantly, and I didn't know what to do to fix it. I'd pray for Him to take me to California, and with the next breath I'd ask Him to help me forget about it. I tried to tell myself I didn't want this dream, and I tried to convince myself that it didn't matter. I sought what I thought to be every possible solution to keep my heart from aching, yet I could find none. 

Even if my solution had been simply to declare I was going to California because my heart desired it, where would I have gone? I had no plans and no prospects, nor had I any ideas. How could I have given up love for plans and reasons I didn't yet have? I couldn't, and so I continued to feel heartbreakingly lost.

Are you now beginning to see why God's faithfulness has brought me to tears? When you begin to see the pain, you can begin to understand how great the glory is. Oh, if you only knew the whole story, you'd undoubtedly be moved, too. 

You see, God answered my prayers from those sleepless nights, but it wasn't just about California. Even when I was too afraid to ask for them, or when my next breath prayed against what I just prayed for, God knew the desires of my heart and He granted me them. Even when I didn't know how or if they could all work together, God did.

All those nights I prayed for California, but I also prayed for adventure. I prayed for more- more of life and more of the Lord. I prayed for freedom, most specifically from the path of life I felt had been chosen for me. 

God answered all not only with a yes, but with a better yes than I could have ever imagined. 

I'm living in California: check. First request answered. As if the 45 hour road trip out here wasn't enough adventure, I encounter more of it here every day. God gave me an experience that is entirely adventurous, offering me an opportunity to leave everything and everyone I know and move across the country. So, adventure? Check.

Seeing as how I'm at a discipleship school, I'd say it's quite obvious that God has answered my prayer of "more." It's amazing how God is revealing Himself to me, the new ways I'm experiencing Him, and how alive it has made me feel. Sometimes I've felt so full that I thought if I were to receive any more I'd explode! It's that amazing. So, more? Check. 

Lastly, freedom. God didn't give me the freedom I asked for, but instead offered me the option to take it for myself. He showed me the path to take if I wanted both more of Him and freedom like I said I did. Once I took it, my prayer was answered. Though I took it fearfully, afraid I'd lose love, God promised me I'd gain it, and He answered that prayer, too. My heart was broken over a lost relationship, yes, but a better revelation of God's love for me was gained. He promised I'd be loved, and I am.

I write all this to proclaim the faithfulness of God- faithfulness so true it can bring a heart to tears. God answered my prayers, not only with His faithfulness, but with His creativity and wisdom, making my dreams come true in a way I couldn't have imagined. Even when I had no idea how to connect the dots, nor which dots to connect, God was faithful. 

The other night I sat in my room with three other girls and reflected on my journey. I was oblivious to the tune and words of whatever worship song was playing, but I worshipped. Through my tears of joy, I worshipped. 

How amazing is God?! Yes, God is faithful, wise, and good- so much so that it continually brings me to tears. 

The good kind, of course.

I will sing of the LORD's great love forever; with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known through all generations. Psalm 89:1

Even Through What I Hate, God Still Speaks

I am going to start by apologizing to all the “war movie fans” out there for this brief introduction I’m about to give, but here it is: I’m not a fan of war movies.

I don’t much like movies at all, but especially ones about war. It’s partly because I’m a little queasy and all the blood makes me uneasy, but also because it’s much too hard for my heart to watch people die. Some have tried to convince me to watch them by reminding me these things really happened (and continue to), but my eyes simply weren’t built to see that kind of devastation, and so I just don’t.

That is why I was so confused by the picture that has been playing over and over again in my head. I mean, I don’t like war, and so war movies or stories or pictures don’t speak to me. It’s just not in my heart. If God is going to speak to me, it’s going to be through nature or music or a book- it’s usually not through a picture of war that plays on repeat in my mind.

I guess he decided it was time for a change of pace.

So here’s what happened: I kept seeing this woman preparing for war. She was training with a sword, dressing herself in armor, and she stood tall and confident, believing she was ready for battle. She mentally ran through the supposed “playbook” of her opponent, and she hypothesized what tactics he may use against her- she prepared a defense for each of these. Then I saw her on the battlefield, standing across from a large army. As soon as her eyes met her adversaries, somehow I knew she had become disheartened and believed herself to be weak, and that was it.

I ignored this thought the first few times it popped into my head, because I figured I was just imagining some weird clip of a movie I had once seen or something. After I kept imagining it over and over, I got a little annoyed. What the heck does this mean?! Why am I thinking about this?! Finally I thought that maybe God was trying to teach me something, and so I tried to pay more attention. Even that, though, was a little frustrating because I was utterly confused by its purpose!

I don’t remember my exact words when I finally addressed God, but I’m sure they were something along the lines of, “What in the world? God, what on Earth are you trying to say to me and why would you use a war analogy to do it?! You know I don’t get that stuff.” What war was this woman training for, and why did she think she was weak before the battle even started? I had no idea what was going on, nor did I feel like I heard an answer, so I just brushed it off and forgot about it.  

Then, a few days ago, I believe I received my answer. It was a day just like any other, yet I noticed this unsettled and eerie feeling in my heart. I hadn't done anything different, and yet the voice of a sin I thought I’d dealt with long ago resurfaced in my heart. The day was filled with this specific temptation, and I found myself unknowingly giving into it for moments at a time, only to be scolded by myself afterward. “Come on, be stronger than that,” I’d think to myself. “Why is this even coming up again? I must be so weak if this is going to continue to be a problem in my life.”

Stop being so hard on yourself, Mary. You have no control over how your enemy attacks you, but only how you respond to it.

Whoa, good point.

That girl in the war is you. You’ve worked hard to be where you are, and yet all it takes is one look at the enemy’s weapons to convince you that you’re weak! Listen, your opponent’s offense is not a reflection of you. The enemy may choose to attack certain areas, but you don’t have to agree with his assumed weakness in you. Instead, stand up confidently and declare that in Me you are strong, and you will be.

Never have I learned so much from a picture of war. It’s simple, really: I can’t control how I am attacked. I can’t control how I am tempted or how I am verbally berated. I can, however, control my response, and if my response is to stand on the truth of God, I will win. If it is to walk with God and in his ways, I will win.

If my response is God, I will always win. That doesn’t mean I won’t be attacked, nor does it mean there won’t be a war- it means at the end of the day, I will win.

God has won, and we are conquerors through him. If I were ever going to learn anything through a war story, I would've wanted this to be it. Thanks be to God, for He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ (1 Corinthians 15:57).

“There is no wisdom nor understanding nor counsel that can avail against the Lord. The horse is prepared for the day of battle, but victory belongs to the Lord.” –Proverbs 21:30-31

Taking Back What Has Been Taken

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." -Maya Angelou 

Some of you may know that I've been writing this blog for a few years now, and since it isn't my job to do so and life continues to go on around me, I don't have as many opportunities to write as I'd like to. Though I'd enjoy sitting down every day and pouring out my thoughts, I am lucky if I have time and energy to post twice a month. In fact, I tend to write here only when a story is bursting at the seams inside of me and I have no choice but to tell it. 

I say that to say this is one of those precious moments, and I am absolutely giddy to put this on paper. (Well, technically you're seeing it on a screen, but it was on paper first). 

So if you're familiar with the way Jesus spoke to others in the bible, you'll know he would speak often in parables. I typically enjoy this because I love a good analogy, thought sometimes it can create such confusion about what he was trying to say. I used to feel that way about the parable of the talents- confused, that is- until I heard it explained a certain way and I felt like I really understood the purpose of the parable. 

One of the things I love about God, though, is that even when you think you understand something he'll blow your mind and teach you something new each time you read it. 

So I'm sitting there this morning reading the parable of the talents in Matthew 25. The story is about a master who is leaving for some time and grants talents to three of his servants (talents were a form of currency). When he eventually returns, he analyzes what each servant did with the talents they had been given. Two of the servants invested what they had, and with these the master was pleased. The third servant, however, feared the wrath of his master and consequently buried his talent so he wouldn't lose it. With this the master was angered, and he cast out the servant who wasted what he was given. 

It's a great story, I think, about being faithful with the gifts and resources God gives you to use for His glory. As I read this, I pondered who I am in this story. I questioned which servant represents me, and I realized I didn't see myself in the parable at all. Why not? Because I saw myself as a fourth servant who is even worse than the third. 

I saw this picture of myself receiving talents from my master. He leaves for some time and I excitedly make a host of plans regarding the use of my talents. I am thrilled about what he has entrusted to me, and I look forward to using the gifts purposefully. Unfortunately afterward, an enemy who wishes to destroy my plans attacks me. His goal is to keep me from reaching my own, and he steals the talents away from me. And there I was- talentless. 

I see myself as this servant, one whose God-given talents and resources have seemingly been stripped by the enemy. God gave me the gift of writing, and satan deceived me into believing my words didn't matter. "Don't write," he said. "No one will care enough to read it anyway." God gave me a heart of compassion, and satan convinced me I had nothing to offer. "Don't even bother reaching out or trying to help. You have nothing to give." God would give "this," and satan would deceitfully say "that." My talents had been stolen, and I felt powerless to do anything about it. 

Seeing myself as this servant brought me both deep discouragement and hope. Discouragement because I considered myself to be in a worse position than the third servant, yet hope because now that I could clearly see my situation, I would be able to change it. The truth is that in Christ I'm not powerless, and I have the courage and strength to steal my talents back. I may have been that servant at one point, but I am determined to no longer be. This game the enemy has been playing with my mind is over. 

I mean, here's the thing: what if the enemy wants me to believe so badly that my words don't matter because my words will be the avenue through which I give to and change the world? 

I look at it like that and my heart screams, "enough!" I'm not about to sit idly by while satan continues to steal from me. When he steals from me he is ultimately stealing from my Lord, and he must be crazy if he thinks I'm going to keep letting that happen. 

So where do you see yourself in this story? If you feel like your talents have been stolen like mine, courageously step up and steal them back. God has given you great gifts- use them well.

God the Restorer of my Heart

So, I can be a little weird in that I love being convicted.

I'm serious: I thoroughly enjoy it. Maybe it's because I feel trustworthy, like God trusts that I can handle what he is revealing. Maybe it's because I believe when God brings up something it's because He's ready to work with me to heal that something.

Mostly I think it's because many times when I am convicted I have a time of repentance and prayer with God that leads to a deeper time of fellowship with Him. Each time I come out on the other end of conviction, I know God deeper and I feel Him closer. It's pretty awesome.

So conviction and I, we're pretty tight. I obviously don't jump for joy every time I feel conflicted, nor do I repent and pray each time I feel it- I'm an imperfect being, after all, and many times I ignore it- but overall I'd say I'm quite delighted when the Holy Spirit convicts me. I get excited to deal with tough issues in my heart.

Now, the spirit has been nudging me lately about a certain subject in particular, but I've been pretty hesitant. I'm open to change in this area, but I'm also scared out of my mind, so I basically just stand there. I'm stuck taking two steps forward in faith, then two steps backward in fear. 

If you do the math, you'll see those steps equate to a solid zero. I suppose I have made some progress, but most days it doesn't feel like all that much.

So today I was talking about this particular area of weakness with another woman, and I made a comment about how God needs to do a lot of breaking in that area of my life. She looked at me and said, "He doesn't need to do breaking, he needs to do restoring." I immediately saw my healing process in an entirely different light, and I was overwhelmed by the beauty of it. 

You see, I had always thought God was in the business of breaking people. I didn't think so in a bad way, but I thought breaking was his way of making us right again. I pictured my heart surrounded by layers of walls that I had built. Every brick was made from hurt, and over time the walls became nearly impenetrable.

God in his strength, however, could break down anything, right? So that's what I thought he did: he broke down my walls so he could uncover my heart. 

I look at that analogy now and I see there are quite a few flaws. First, it portrays me to have more strength than I do. Realistically speaking, a more appropriate illustration would be one of me pushing people away rather than building walls to keep them out. I didn't have walls, I had fear. I didn't protect myself, I ran from others. 

The second problem with the analogy is that I appear to have a whole heart behind the walls that I have built. I don't know about you, but my heart isn't whole. If all I did was build walls to keep people out, wouldn't the whole heart inside of those walls still feel good? Well, it doesn't, so I feel it's safe to say my heart isn't whole.

So I got to thinking about what it would look like for God to restore me rather than to break me, and here is what I see:

Imagine yourself as a helpless child. Someone hurts you, and the darkness steals away a piece of your heart. As you grow, more and more of your heart is stolen away with every hurt you experience. Your heart is fragmented and in the hands of the enemy. Your heart doesn't contain walls; it contains shattered pieces.

God stands up, however, and proclaims that he has not made you to have a broken heart. He desires for your heart to be whole- the heart he originally crafted. He confronts the thief and easily overpowers him, taking back what was originally yours, what was originally his gift to you. 

God returns to his wounded, precious daughter, and asks her to open up her heart. He doesn't want to force himself in, but he wants to make her whole again by returning the pieces of her heart she lost years ago. He knows she is afraid, for her heart has little left to give, so he gently knocks on the door and assures her he isn't there to take, but to give. 

Fearfully she opens up her heart to her father, and by his magical touch it is restored and renewed, and she is once again whole.

God isn't breaking, he is restoring.

I think this analogy paints a much clearer picture of the loving and protective, gentle, yet strong father that he is. God isn't in the business of breaking, he's in the business of restoring, and he is the only one who can truly make your heart whole.