I remember reading a blog post one time that talked about
how boredom was a sign of spiritual immaturity. It suggested that those who
were bored in their lives merely didn’t know how to adequately be with God because God is not boring. I remember reading it and feeling as low as one
could possibly get. “I’m a terrible
Christian,” I thought. “I get bored all the time!” To this day, I still can’t
shake that thought from memory. It has been permanently ingrained into my mind
that boredom=bad Christian.
I have suffered immense guilt because of those words.
You see, I am a doer. I’m an extreme, restless, let’s do it
all, please give me more work, doer. I do. I’ve never been much good at sitting
unless, of course, the sitting is part of what I’m doing. I’m not good at “stillness.”
I know it, God knows it, and anyone who has followed my blog for over a year
knows it because I’ve written about trying
to be still and rest so many times. I don’t rest like a lot of people. In my
type of resting, I am still doing; I just do something lighter. I always do. That’s
how I am made.
Because I’m wired this way, I’m restless when I’m not doing something. I become antsy. I
feel lethargic and sad. I do not thrive in any way. I get bored. I start asking myself questions like, “Why would anyone ever
retire?” and “What would the point of life be if you did?” Yes, I know to some
of you that sounds crazy- I’ve been told. I know it sounds like I’m a
workaholic who can’t enjoy life- I’ve been told.
The sad thing is, I have let such labels guilt me, confine
me, and define me for a long time. I have believed for years that there is
something wrong with me because I always want to be on the go. People have
suggested I didn’t know how to be happy where I was or I was afraid of
commitment. I never really felt that way, but I supposed there had to be a
reason why I had these “wrong” feelings. It didn’t occur to me that someone
could simply enjoy doing, going, and
moving. It was impressed upon me as abnormal.
I was deceived by a number of lies about myself and how I
was, one of the most damaging being that boredom meant I was spiritually
immature. Even when I’d try to explain that I experience God in the doing, I’d
be accused of “multi-tasking God,” and I would feel even worse. They’d say God
is deserving of our undivided attention (which is true), but why couldn’t I
give Him mine? The thing is that I could,
but only for a little while. After about an hour I’d get antsy. I’d have to get
up. I’d have to do something. Whenever
I did, I’d feel guilty and then berate myself for being a bad Christian. Did I
just get bored with God?
Yesterday I was on a walk and guilt began to overwhelm me. I had
been bored most of my day. Yes I had a quiet time. Yes I spoke to God. Yes I
spent time with Him, and yes I was still bored. I began mentally scolding
myself for not being a good enough Christian. “I must not love God enough,” I
thought. “Otherwise I could spend my whole day with Him and not be bored at
all.” What kind of lie had I bought into? God spoke up and said, “Hey, I made
you that way.” I could tell there was a hint of laughter in His voice.
I paused. I had to clarify because at first I thought He meant
He made me to be bored and I just didn’t appreciate that. He then explained to
me, though, that He made me to be a doer and there is never any reason to feel
guilt about how He has crafted me. He and I began to talk about all the ways we
spend time together, and He assured me it’s okay that I find it easier to do
things with God than to sit still and stare at His beautiful face. Do I take
time to sit still and stare at His face? Yes. Do I get restless after awhile?
Yes, but it’s not because I think God is boring. It’s because I’d rather experience
God in the doing than in the gazing, and that’s okay. That’s how He made me.
Some people could spend an entire day in one room,
meditating on the character of God and they’d have the best day ever. That’s
incredible, and I commend them. However, I can’t do that. I can spend some time meditating on the character
of God, but I’d get antsy. What I could
do is spend an entire day hiking, talking to God on my way and experiencing His character as we traipse
through the woods together. That’s also incredible, and it’s not any less holy.
Not in my opinion, anyway.
I think there is a big difference between doing stuff with
God and multi-tasking God. I think there is a great difference between being
bored with God and being bored along with God. I don’t mean to insinuate that
God can get bored (maybe He can- I don’t know), but I do suggest that I can
love someone with my entire being and if all I am doing is sitting around with
that person, I will still be bored. The
bottom line is that God knows that.
See, He knows how He has made me. He knows that I enjoy Him most when we are
doing things together.
That’s why God runs with me. That’s why He likes to take me
on adventures and why He makes excuses for me to get lost in my car. It’s why I
can hear Him loudest when I am doing something else. God knows I am a doer. He
made me that way, and He will reveal Himself to me in that context. Does He
still ask me at times to be still and just listen? Yes. Does He still ask me to
sit and meditate on who He is? Yes. Does He get upset or think less of me
because I prefer the former? Not at all. He designed me that way- He knew I
would.
You know what? Jesus was a doer, too. He knew how to rest,
of course, but He also knew how to go.
There were times in His ministry when He would work for so long that He skipped
meals for days. Sure, He escaped to the mountain to go pray, but who’s to say
whether He experienced God more during the hike to the top or during the meditation
on the peak? Who’s to say it wasn’t both? That’s the beauty of God- He can meet
you in either place.
I write all this to say, to both myself and to you: however
you are, that’s the way God made you. Don’t be ashamed- He made no mistake.
Some people can’t wait to retire. Others never want to. Some
seek God in stillness. Others seek Him in movement. Some hear God loudest in
silence. Others hear Him loudest in clamor. Neither is wrong; they are only
different. How thankful I am that we have a God who can meet us and speak to us
in a thousand different ways. In fact, I think it is one of the most beautiful
things to see a person connect with God on a level He intended for them to.
God made me a doer, and I believe He intended for me to seek
Him in the doing. If I happen to get a little bored from time to time, God gets
it. He’s not ashamed- He’s probably laughing. I hope what He’s doing is planning our next great adventure!
Never apologize for how you are- God made you just right.
Maybe twenty years from now I’ll look back at what I wrote
and think I was wrong and boredom actually does equate to spiritual immaturity.
On the other hand, maybe I’ll look back and be thankful I learned this lesson
when I did. What would those twenty years have looked like if I hadn’t?
“For you formed my
inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I
am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are you works; my soul knows it
very well,” (Psalm 139:13-14).
