I remember the first time I cried happy tears. I can distinctly recall standing in my living room as my best friend shared with me the recent victories she'd been experiencing in her life. She was finally finding freedom- freedom I had prayed and hoped over a year for, and I became so overwhelmed with gladness that my knees buckled. I fell to the floor in tears, releasing the emotion I didn't otherwise know how to express.
I remember touching my face with confusion in that moment. "Wait, but I'm happy. I'm so overjoyed I don't know what to do, so why am I crying?" I wondered. Clearly I didn't know people actually cried tears of joy, but that's really all tears are anyway, right? They're emotions so strong no words can express and no heart can bare them; it would only make sense, then, that many of them are joyous.
Since that day, tears have spoken so much to me- tears of my own and those of others. There is something amazing about a moment when someone feels so deeply and so intensely that the only way to express it is with tears.
I mean, that's raw heart, and I love it.
So the other night I was worshipping with my roommates, and all of a sudden I got this picture in my head. It was a flashback of the day I found out I was accepted into Foundations Discipleship Training School in California. I saw myself standing amidst the fallen Autumn leaves, joyfully throwing piles of them into the air as I shouted to the world, "I'm accepted! I'm going to California!" Merely thinking about that moment brought back the feeling of an army of butterflies swarming in my stomach. I reminisced about the explosion of excitement I felt that day, and I started to cry.
"I'm here," I thought. "I still can't believe I'm here."
I began to replay the steps in my head, every one that it took me to get here, and the tears poured out even more. I was (and continue to be) in such awe of God's faithfulness that the only way to express it was to cry out tears of joy.
Really, there's no other explanation for me being here- none other than God's faithfulness, wisdom, and goodness.
Without God's guidance, I don't think I'd be here. Actually, I'm positive I wouldn't be here, because I'm the kind of dreamer who dreams without application. I just desire things, but I don't know how I could realistically reach them. In a sense, I just dream and then hope God guides my steps to a place where my dreams can come true, because I don't know how to answer the "how do I get there" questions.
I admit thankfully that God's wisdom far surpasses my own, so when I had no idea what my dreams looked like practically, God knew exactly how they could all come together.
A few years ago, I began dreaming about California. I wasn't sure what I wanted from it, but it became a regular character in my daydreams. My future seemed to be all about California now, and after adventuring through it a couple of times, I knew I wanted to live there someday.
Ok, now some of you might be thinking, "I see where this is going, and what's the big deal? You wanted to live in California and now you do. Does that really merit tears?" I suppose on the surface it may not, but this dream was so much deeper than just that, so stick with me! Having this dream caused so much heartache, confusion, and tears.
You see, I had this strong desire to move to California, but I had no idea why. I guess that wouldn't have been such a big deal if I hadn't been in a committed relationship with the man I wanted to marry. I wasn't exactly in a position to pick up and leave just because I felt like it. (I guess I technically could have, but it would have cost me). This created opposition to my dream, and I felt as if I had to rationalize it.
I felt like, "because I want to," wasn't a legitimate answer to why I wanted to go. It certainly wasn't enough grounds for me to ask my boyfriend to compromise his dreams for mine. I mean, I had no idea why I wanted to go, so did I really need to go that badly? Needless to say, California didn't seem realistic without a valid reason.
I spent months in tears, desperately diving into my heart to try and find a reason, any reason, why I wanted to go, but I never could. I myself didn't actually care about finding a reason, but I felt like it wouldn't happen without one and so I kept digging- I cried every time I couldn't find an answer.
I remember clearly the nights I sobbed and prayed for hours when I couldn't sleep. I felt ridiculous for wanting something so deeply for no apparent reason, yet at the same time my heart broke because I felt like it wouldn't ever come true. Some nights, I would even feel extra ridiculous for being so heart broken about it.
I would cry out to God as I felt like my heart was being torn constantly, and I didn't know what to do to fix it. I'd pray for Him to take me to California, and with the next breath I'd ask Him to help me forget about it. I tried to tell myself I didn't want this dream, and I tried to convince myself that it didn't matter. I sought what I thought to be every possible solution to keep my heart from aching, yet I could find none.
Even if my solution had been simply to declare I was going to California because my heart desired it, where would I have gone? I had no plans and no prospects, nor had I any ideas. How could I have given up love for plans and reasons I didn't yet have? I couldn't, and so I continued to feel heartbreakingly lost.
Are you now beginning to see why God's faithfulness has brought me to tears? When you begin to see the pain, you can begin to understand how great the glory is. Oh, if you only knew the whole story, you'd undoubtedly be moved, too.
You see, God answered my prayers from those sleepless nights, but it wasn't just about California. Even when I was too afraid to ask for them, or when my next breath prayed against what I just prayed for, God knew the desires of my heart and He granted me them. Even when I didn't know how or if they could all work together, God did.
All those nights I prayed for California, but I also prayed for adventure. I prayed for more- more of life and more of the Lord. I prayed for freedom, most specifically from the path of life I felt had been chosen for me.
God answered all not only with a yes, but with a better yes than I could have ever imagined.
Seeing as how I'm at a discipleship school, I'd say it's quite obvious that God has answered my prayer of "more." It's amazing how God is revealing Himself to me, the new ways I'm experiencing Him, and how alive it has made me feel. Sometimes I've felt so full that I thought if I were to receive any more I'd explode! It's that amazing. So, more? Check.
Lastly, freedom. God didn't give me the freedom I asked for, but instead offered me the option to take it for myself. He showed me the path to take if I wanted both more of Him and freedom like I said I did. Once I took it, my prayer was answered. Though I took it fearfully, afraid I'd lose love, God promised me I'd gain it, and He answered that prayer, too. My heart was broken over a lost relationship, yes, but a better revelation of God's love for me was gained. He promised I'd be loved, and I am.
I write all this to proclaim the faithfulness of God- faithfulness so true it can bring a heart to tears. God answered my prayers, not only with His faithfulness, but with His creativity and wisdom, making my dreams come true in a way I couldn't have imagined. Even when I had no idea how to connect the dots, nor which dots to connect, God was faithful.
The other night I sat in my room with three other girls and reflected on my journey. I was oblivious to the tune and words of whatever worship song was playing, but I worshipped. Through my tears of joy, I worshipped.
How amazing is God?! Yes, God is faithful, wise, and good- so much so that it continually brings me to tears.
The good kind, of course.
I will sing of the LORD's great love forever; with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known through all generations. Psalm 89:1
