“I don’t
like the way I look,” says 97 percent of the female population.
I know this
feeling all too well, and I know I’m not alone. I have struggled with body
image issues for years, and in those years I have realized that most other
women do, too. I have spent the last two years ensnared and trapped by these
struggles, and the last six months trying to fight them off.
Let me tell
you, it is no easy task trying to fight against something that is so deeply
ingrained, something so seemingly normal, something so constantly occurring in
your heart.
It had
become abnormal for me to look into the mirror and not be disappointed or
disgusted by what I saw. This was wrong, but this was my heart.
I think of
the scene in ‘Mean Girls’ as they
stand in front of the mirror criticizing different parts of their bodies. Cady
thinks, “I used to think there was just skinny and fat. I had no idea so many
different things could be wrong with your body.” It’s a movie, yes, but it is
so close to reality.
You could
pinpoint any spot on a woman’s body, and chances are she could tell you a
number of ways in which its imperfections keep her from being beautiful.
My nose just isn’t right; it’s too big on my face. My hips are too wide. My legs aren’t curvy enough. My shoulders are too broad. My eyebrows are so flawed. My eyes are too far apart. My stomach is too flabby. My butt is too flat. My feet are ugly. My ears are humongous. My (fingernails, toes, lips, eyelashes, hair, teeth, dimples, chest, fill in the blank) is wrong; it’s all just ugly and wrong.
My nose just isn’t right; it’s too big on my face. My hips are too wide. My legs aren’t curvy enough. My shoulders are too broad. My eyebrows are so flawed. My eyes are too far apart. My stomach is too flabby. My butt is too flat. My feet are ugly. My ears are humongous. My (fingernails, toes, lips, eyelashes, hair, teeth, dimples, chest, fill in the blank) is wrong; it’s all just ugly and wrong.
I was at
this point when God invited me on a trip; the trip to discover truth about the
beauty that my body possesses. This journey consisted of three main stops:
learning the truth, believing the truth, and allowing this truth to be enough.
For me,
learning and believing seemed impossible. I was convinced that they had to be
done together, while also thinking that the learning had to precede the
believing. Have you ever tried to learn about something that you absolutely don’t
believe? It’s hard! If you’re skeptical the whole time, how much will you
really intake and digest what you are trying to learn? This was me, and I felt
no hope that I would ever be able to learn or believe.
Part of the
problem is that I was spending too much time telling myself what I wasn’t,
instead of telling myself what I was.
The other
day as I was looking at myself (and by looking I mean criticizing) in the
mirror, God stopped me where I was. He grabbed my attention and said,
“When you use your eyes to see instead of
critique, the world becomes a more beautiful place. Your body becomes the
beautiful masterpiece it was created to be; a piece of my artwork to be
admired, not criticized. Use your eyes to see.”
I was
spending my time focused on the society-based imperfections of my body instead of
the beautiful creation that it was.
I saw in my
stomach weight that I wanted to lose, instead of the miraculous power it had of
creating a beautiful baby someday.
I saw in my
shoulders a lack of slenderness, instead of the strength they had in helping to
carry other’s burdens.
I saw in my
legs constant disappointment, instead of the healthy and trustworthy partners I
had that allowed me to enjoy running as I do.
I couldn't look beyond my self-diagnosed imperfections to see that my body is amazing.
It was
incredible for me to look in the mirror and see something beautiful instead of
something I wanted to change. Unfortunately, this was quickly suffocated away
by critical thoughts of my body. Though I was learning and beginning to believe
this truth, I needed it to be enough. I was in a place where I was saying, “Yeah
that truth is nice, but I still want this
image of beauty.” I had moments where God’s words would satisfy me, but
most other times it never fully did. I didn’t understand, and I didn’t know how
to change.
Was I supposed
to just forget everything I ever desired my body to be? Was I supposed to
ignore the way I looked and pretend that my body image never mattered? How was
I ever supposed to quiet the voice that told me I still wasn’t just right?
Looking back
on the moments wherein God’s truth truly did satisfy my heart, I found my
answer.
When the truth
of God’s words isn’t enough, it’s because I am placing more importance and
authority on someone or something else. When God is legitimately the most
important thing in my life, my physical appearance doesn’t matter. When God is
first, I can see.
When I find
myself so in love with God that He is my heart’s deepest desire, I find myself loving
my body, his beautiful creation, too.
We are still
on the trip together to fully heal my heart, but I am learning, and I know I am
moving forward. I am on a journey traveling forward with God; one that allows
my weak heart to make pit stops. Sometimes I have to stop at station one,
wherein I have forgotten the truth I have learned and need to hear it again.
Other days, I have to stop at station three because I have allowed God to fall
from the first love in my life, and I must refocus my eyes and heart on Him.
None of the stops are a sign that I have begun moving backward, but they are
necessary stops to make along the way so that I may reach my end destination.
I may never
fully reach it, but I have hope knowing that I am continually moving forward
(and that God doesn’t mind driving every once in awhile when I am exhausted).
For years as
I struggled with my body, my primary focus and desire was to make myself more
beautiful. Strangely enough, God is doing just that for me. He is making me
into a more beautiful person each day, but not by changing my appearance as I would have done. He is
merely opening my eyes to the beauty that has always been there, the beauty
that He created.