Here’s what I mean: I like the satisfaction of accomplishing
something on my own. I like being recognized as a strong individual. I’ve
always had this notion that dependence and weakness were synonymous; that the
strong don’t need guidance or assistance. Since dependence was weakness,
independence was strength. This made it inconceivable for me and my pride to
ever ask for help or to follow direction that was not my own.
Recently I had convinced myself that this was a past
problem. It was something that I had overcome. I would remind myself of the
times that I had stepped out in faith and followed God’s direction over my own.
“There was this one time …” I’d say. I was under the impression that because I
had followed His direction in the past that I had “recovered” and overcome my
prideful mindset.
Nine months ago (actually, nine months ago to this very day)
I took the biggest step of faith that I ever have. In fact, it was not only the
biggest step, but it was the hardest. That experience deserves an entire blog
in and of itself, but that may be for a later time and date. My point is, it
was a HUGE decision.
Huge almost doesn’t do it justice. I made a decision that
was going to change the rest of my life and cause my world to do a complete
180. It was a choice that led me down a path I could barely conceive; a path
that contained things of which I had no clue. I had continually prayed,
desperate to receive a different answer from God, the answer I wanted, but He
continually pointed me down a different road. I was terrified, I was hurt, and I
was angry, but I made the choice to trust God and I took the leap of faith. In
retrospect, that was one of the best decisions I had ever made and in trusting
God with my life in that choice, it brought me closer to Him than I could have
imagined. I trusted, and He was faithful.
I have to admit, I was a little proud of myself for it. I
was overjoyed that I so deeply trusted God and followed His direction. “I am so
obedient!” I thought. I believed that I had overcome my pride and my unwillingness
to take direction from someone other than myself. I had obviously overcome it
in that moment, but here’s the thing: God is continually leading me. There is a
constant tug when I begin to stray from the path on which He is guiding me.
That single act of trust and dependence was great, yes, but there will be more
to come. While that specific act of obedience will probably be one of the most
painful and difficult, it won’t be the only time when obedience to God’s word
and guidance is necessary. There will be a handful of times in the future when
I will once again have to trust what God says over what I say, and there have
been a number of instances since then.
I do believe that God was deeply delighted with me and my
willingness to follow Him in that moment, but I don’t believe that that moment
defines my obedience as a whole. Just as a single act of disobedience doesn’t
make me a disobedient child, neither does a single act of obedience make me an
obedient one. Obedience is continual, just as is God’s direction.
I’ve been holding on to that moment and telling myself that
I am excelling in obeying what God says. “Look, I am obedient because I did
that. See? That’s obedience.” Sure, that was obedience, there is no denying
that, but that doesn’t make me an obedient person as a whole. I don’t want to
discredit or cheapen the difficulty of the situation, but I can’t hold on to it
forever. That one decision doesn’t make a life of obedience.
It’s a start, but
it’s not an end. I can’t forever say that I am obedient because of a single
decision to obey. Opportunities arise on a daily basis wherein I must choose my
own direction or God’s, opportunities to choose whether or not to heed and
accede. (I didn’t mean for that to rhyme, but since it did I left it that way).
This all came up about a week ago when I became a bit
argumentative with God when He wasn’t answering me in my prayer like I wanted
Him to. (Pointer: Arguing with God usually doesn't result in a victory on your end).
“God, you know what? Forget it. I don’t like that answer and
I’m tired of praying about it if you’re just going to keep telling me the same
thing. That’s not what I want to hear.”
“Do you remember the
last time you said that?”
“Touche. Ok God, I remember, but that was different.
Besides, I’m already obedient because
I listened to you then. I don’t need to do this now, too.”
“Yes, you did, and I
am so proud of you for that moment. You were so strong and you allowed your
love for me to overpower all and help you let go of other worldly things. But
now I am asking you to put your trust in me again. I know that it is
frightening, but I have proven to you that I am faithful. Your past obedience
is not forgotten, nor will it ever be irrelevant or unimportant, but this
circumstance calls for your trust and submission to my will once again.
Obedience isn’t a one-time decision; it is a way of life.”
God doesn’t desire that I be willing to trust His provision
just once or twice in my life. He is proud and rejoices of those times, but He
wants me to live a lifestyle of obedience. He wants me to continually trust that He knows what is best for me and that He
will never lead me astray. Continually trust, not trust once. A lifestyle of
obedience is made up of repeated acts of submission and trust, not one.
(Think of it this way: If you were married, you wouldn’t
want your spouse to pronounce their love to you just once. You would want them
to perpetually show you how much they love and care for you. Acts of love in
the past are great memories to hold on to, but feelings can change, making it
comforting to be reminded continually that the love still exists).
When God instructs us to obey His commands (John 14:15, 21, 23),
it infers that it will be continuous. “Commands” is plural, just as our acts of
submission in an obedient lifestyle ought to be.
My submission 9 months ago was a great step of faith, but it
is in the past. More opportunities to show my faith and obedience will continue
to arise, requiring me to trust in Him once more. I know that there will be
times when my pride will tell me that submission is weak and that I myself know
the right steps to take, but in those moments I have the opportunity to once again
show God that I trust in Him, and I believe that His plans for me are better
than anything I could conjure.
Obedience is a lifestyle, a continual conscious action.
Though it is made up of individual decisions and steps of faith, it can’t be
defined by a single moment. Obedience is continual, just as is God’s direction.
“I have considered my
ways and have turned my steps to your statutes. I will hasten and not delay to
obey your commands.” Psalm 119:59-60.
